The Lazy Sunday Post

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again. His wife had  never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few  minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The  wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now  'cute.' She asked,  'What happened to beautiful?' The man  replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'      Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company..  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor  creature?' Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an  animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane,  and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something  for the creature.' Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to  donate to them for the service?' Father  Patrick exclaimed, "Why didn't ya tell me  the dog was Catholic?"       Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It  is!' 'This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?' 'I  can!' 'Do you  know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a  member of your congregation?' 'He  is!' 'Did he  donate £10,000 to the church?' 'He  will.'    .............................................      Wife: 'What are you  doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing....?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an  hour.' Husband: 'I was  looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do  you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure!  What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes  or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten  your burden.' Boy: 'It's  very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or  troubles.' Girl: 'Well  that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------ Son: 'Mum,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my  seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well,  you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But  mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ________________________________ A  newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my  father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,'  the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT  YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked  her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy  body?' He looked at  her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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