Friday Follies

Autumn leaves are forming, the nights are closing in, it's dank, dark and dreich!

"James," said Mary to her husband, "that young couple that just moved in next door seem such a loving couple. Every morning, when he leaves the house, he kisses her goodbye, and every evening when he comes homes, he brings her a dozen roses.

Now, why can't you do that?"

"Gosh," replied James, "why, I hardly know the girl."

                             *************

"Could you please cut off my dog Buster's tail?" 
The vet examined his tail carefully, and then with raised eyebrows replied, "But there's nothing wrong with his tail. He is such a handsome fellow - why on earth would you want this done??" 

"My mother-in-law is coming to visit," I explained, "and I don't want anything in the house to make her think that she is welcome!"

                            ***************

A Muslim bloke I know was bragging he had the entire Koran on DVD. 
Being interested, I asked him to burn me a copy. 
Well, that’s when it all kicked off!

                           *******************

Mary smiled knowingly as her two friends complained over coffee about their failing memories.

"Sometimes," said June, "I catch myself with a jar of mayonnaise in my hand, while standing in front of the refrigerator, and I can't remember whether I need to put it away, or start making a sandwich."

Liz nodded in vigorous agreement, "Oh yes! Sometimes I find myself on the landing of the stairs and can't remember whether I was on my way up or on my way down."

May replied, "Well, ladies, I'm glad I don't have that problem, touch wood", and rapped her knuckles on the table. Then she looked around suddenly. "That must be the door. I'll get it."

                              ***************

The judge says to a man charged with a double murder,
 "You're charged with beating your wife to death with a hammer." 

A voice at the back of the courtroom yells out, "You swine!" 

The judge says, "You're also charged with beating your mother-in-law to
death with a hammer." 

The voice in the back of the courtroom yells out, "You rotten swine!”

The judge stops and says to Nigel in the back of the courtroom: " I can 
understand your anger and frustration at these crimes, but no more outbursts 
from you, or I'll charge you with contempt. Is that understood?"

Nigel stands up and says, "I'm sorry, Your Honour, but for fifteen years
I've lived next door to that man and every time I asked to borrow a
hammer, he said he didn't have one.“

                              ***************

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Defamation

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 A Scottish prayer -
 "Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth.
 But show us where it is!"


  A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint.
The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening.
 The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
 "Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?"
 The barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"


 It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took
 to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the
 weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.


 You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean.
 There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said
"If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."


 Angus called in to see his friend Alan to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
 Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see."
 to which Alan replied "No, I'm moving house."


 "Alan suggested a candlelit dinner last night" Sarah reported to her friend the next day.
 "That was dead romantic" said her friend.
 "Not really. It just saved him having to fix the fuse."


 The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness.
 They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."


 "In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."


 McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle.
 One of his tickets won a £1,000 prize.
 He was asked how he felt about his big win.
 "Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"


 Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?


 After discovering that they had won £15 million in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future.
 Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last."
 Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."


 As a Christmas present one year, the Laird  gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds.
 One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing  the hat.
 "Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
 "I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
 "Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
 "Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."


 When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound.
One elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a town where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy.
 "It's all damn foolishness," he declared.
"Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four  to save a pound!"


 Did you hear about the Aberdonian who got caught making nuisance telephone calls?
 He kept reversing the charges.


 A Scotsman, an EngIishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer.
 The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife.
 The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth.
 The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass.
 "Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.


  MacDonald was awarded £15,000 for injuries received after a  traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds.
 A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident.
 MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the polis arrived."


 There was understandable scepticism when it was suggested that Napoleon Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from Balloch. But now it has been pointed out that there is further proof that Napoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always under his lapel, to make sure no-one had lifted his wallet...

Sunday Laffs.

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I was going to mention that the 'wee team' (Hibernian) lost 4-1 away to Kilmarnock. However I would not be so cruel as to include this in a post headed 'Sunday Laffs,' would I? What? ...oh!

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A lawyer died. At the same moment, the Pope also died. 

They arrived at the gates of heaven at the same moment. 

They spend the day in orientation, and as they're getting their heavenly vestments, the Pope gets a plain white toga and wings, like everyone else, and the lawyer gets much finer apparel, made of gold thread, and Gucci shoes. 

Then, they get to see where they're going to live?. 

The Pope gets what everyone else gets, a replica of a Holiday Inn room, and the lawyer gets an 18 room mansion with servants and a swimming pool.

At dinnertime, the Pope receives the standard meal, a Manischewitz kosher TV dinner,and the lawyer receives a fine and tasty meal, served on silver platters.

By this time, the lawyer is beginning to suspect that an error has been made, so he asks one of the angels in charge, "Has there been some kind of mistake? This guy was the Pope, and he gets what everyone else gets, and I'm just a lawyer and I'm getting the finest of everything?"

The angel replied, "No mistake, sir. We've had lots of Popes here, but you're the first lawyer we've ever had."

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The Archbishop of Canterbury and the Royal Commission for Political correctness announced today the climate in the UK should no longer be referred to as "English Weather".

Rather than offend a sizeable portion of the UK population, it is now to be referred to as: "Muslim Weather" (Partly Sunni, but mostly Shi'ite)

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One night, President Obama and his wife Michelle decided to do something out of routine and go for a casual dinner at a restaurant that wasn't too luxurious. 

When they were seated, the owner of the restaurant asked the president's Secret Service if he could speak to the First Lady in private.

They obliged and Michelle had a short conversation with the owner.

Following their conversation President Obama asked Michelle why the owner was so interested in speaking to her.
Michelle said that when she was a teenager the owner was madly in love with her.

President Obama then said, "So, if you had married him, you would now be the owner of this lovely restaurant."

To which Michelle replied, "No, if I had married him he would now be President!"

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A 50 yr plus woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.


Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how ridiculous you look?, What's the matter with you?"


The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care, I just came from having a mammogram and the doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old".


The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"


"Your name never came up!!!" she replied.

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Man sitting at home on the veranda with his wife and he says, "I love you."


She asks, "Is that you or the beer talking?"


He replies, "It's me............. talking to the beer."

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The Lazy Sunday Post

A man was just waking up from anaesthesia after surgery, and his wife was sitting by his side. His eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're beautiful.'  Then he fell asleep again. His wife had  never heard him say that before, so she stayed by his side. A few  minutes later his eyes fluttered open and he said, 'You're cute..' The  wife was disappointed because instead of 'beautiful,' it was now  'cute.' She asked,  'What happened to beautiful?' The man  replied, 'The drugs are wearing off.'      Muldoon  lived alone in the Irish countryside with only a pet dog for company..  One day the dog died, and Muldoon went to the parish priest and asked,  'Father, my dog is dead... Could ya' be saying' a mass for the poor  creature?' Father  Patrick replied, 'I'm afraid not; we cannot have services for an  animal in the church.... But there are some Baptists down the lane,  and there's no tellin' what they believe. Maybe they'll do something  for the creature.' Muldoon  said, 'I'll go right away Father. Do ya' think £5,000 is enough to  donate to them for the service?' Father  Patrick exclaimed, "Why didn't ya tell me  the dog was Catholic?"       Father  O'Malley answers the phone. 'Hello, is this Father O'Malley?' 'It  is!' 'This is the Inland Revenue. Can you help us?' 'I  can!' 'Do you  know a Ted Houlihan?' 'I do!' 'Is he a  member of your congregation?' 'He  is!' 'Did he  donate £10,000 to the church?' 'He  will.'    .............................................      Wife: 'What are you  doing?' Husband: Nothing. Wife: 'Nothing....?  You've been reading our marriage certificate for an  hour.' Husband: 'I was  looking for the expiration date.' ------------------------------- Wife : 'Do  you want dinner?' Husband: 'Sure!  What are my choices?' Wife: 'Yes  or no.' -------------------------------------------------------- Girl: 'When  we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten  your burden.' Boy: 'It's  very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or  troubles.' Girl: 'Well  that's because we aren't married yet.' ------------------------------ Son: 'Mum,  when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my  seat to a lady.' Mom: 'Well,  you have done the right thing.' Son: 'But  mum, I was sitting on daddy's lap.' ________________________________ A  newly married man asked his wife, 'Would you have married me if my  father hadn't left me a fortune?' 'Honey,'  the woman replied sweetly, 'I'd have married you, NO MATTER WHO LEFT  YOU A FORTUNE!' ------------------------------------------------------------ A wife asked  her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy  body?' He looked at  her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

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Can we Now Get Back To Normal?

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Guardian

Even the middle class, left leaning Guardian is dominated by this wedding.

OK it's over bar the fight at the party, the broken glass. several arrests and a whitewash covering it up until Wikileaks reveals what happened. For some strange reason the English Queen has decided not to go and made Philip stay at home also. Maybe she remembered he used to be in the navy? Soon this pair will fly of to their rich hideaway unknown to anyone bar thousands of paparazzi from dozens of countries. Goodbye.

The good side of such a wedding is the chance it gives some folks to enjoy a parade. The kids had a good time, the police get overtime for little effort, and the media can give a 'nice' story instead of desperately filling the news with nothing important. For many it is rightly a fun day out but I do find the women who follow such weddings somewhat cringe-worthy. Every time the groom looked at his bride hundreds of girlies exploded into sentiment. Every kiss was worth a photo and another gasp.  

Personally I suspect they have practised that often. The sentiment was honest but I did think it worrying that these women will be voting on how we elect our UK parliament in a few days, unless they forget while watching daytime television. Just as with Diana there are many living their lives through Kate. Hopefully she will keep a low profile otherwise the media will overdo the whole thing and the idolatry that arose then will return. People need something to fill that 'God' gap in their lives to give it meaning, and sadly Diana did this, I hope for her sake Kate avoids that burden.  I note also that ABC and CBS has this as their main story even though storms have killed around 300 in the deep south. I suspect they care little for the deep south mind you!

Two rich kids have got married, and she has married well. I hope it works and they have a good life. However I suspect the media will soon be interfering and attempting to break it up just to fill their grubby pages. Now we can get back to normal. I note the BBC has already begun to screen junk and with Saturday upon us at least the football will bring reality back to us all, hopefully.

Just in is this important comment from our friend in Aberdeen 'Kenfitlike.'

Wedding or no some folks had to walk their dogs, some of us had to cycle and some folks just had to get out and jog. With the blossom smelling sweet, the blackbirds, robins and finches singing it was an enjoyable (short) trip this morning. How nice to (almost) get away from everybody. How lovely to enjoy the Spring sun, when it eventually arrived. How lovely not to be bitten by any of the dogs that passed.

Stolen jokes.

What’s the difference between Iron Man and Iron Woman?

One’s a Superhero and the other is an instruction!!

What do you get if cross a motorway with a wheel barrow ?

Knocked over of course.


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Friday Frivolity

Got an e-mail today from a bored local housewife, 43, who was looking for some hot action! 
So I sent her my ironing. That'll keep the lazy woman busy.

I got invited to a party and was told to dress to kill. Apparently a turban, beard and a backpack wasn't what they had in mind.

After a night of drink, drugs and wild sex, Bill woke up to find himself next to a really ugly woman.
That's when he realised he had made it home safely.

Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". 

Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13^th then."

Came home today to find all my doors and windows smashed in and everything gone. What sort of sick person does that to someone's Advent calendar.

I've been charged with murder for killing a man with sandpaper. To be honest I only intended to rough him up a bit.

After years of research, scientists have discovered what makes women happy.   Nothing.

A lad comes home from school and excitedly tells his dad that he had a part in the school play and he was playing a man who had been married for 25 years. The dad says, "Never mind son, maybe next year you'll get a speaking part."

Just had my water bill of £175 drop on my mat. That's a lot.  Oxfam can supply a whole African village for just £2 a month: time to change supplier I think.

   

2 women called at my door and asked what bread I ate, when I said white they gave me a lecture on the benefits of brown bread  for 30 minutes. 

I think they were Hovis Witnesses

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Top 50 Jokes?

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That august periodical 'The Daily Mail,' today publishes what is claimed to be the 'Top 50 Jokes!' The researchers 'researched' many online jokes to come up with their choices. Humour is subjective of course and  what suits one will not suit another, as I have often discovered! Women especially fail to 'get the joke' as they listen emotionally, unlike men who just listen. Here are number 50 - 40 on their list, the others can be found at the 'Daily Mail' online page -  It's not just the way you tell 'em:

50 I went to the Doctors the other day, and he said, 'Go to Bournemouth, it's great for flu'. So I went - and I got it. 

49. A seal walks into a club... 

48. Went to the corner shop - bought 4 corners. 

47. So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray. 

46. I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can hardly contain myself.       

45. I tried water polo but my horse drowned.      

44. A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: 'I'm looking for the man who shot my paw.'      

43. You see my next-door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

42. I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.       

41. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly. But when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

40. 'I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?" I said, "I've been on telly but I'm no Dean Martin". '  

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Encyclopedia Dramatica

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whisky distiller, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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How The Fight Started

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My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, 

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink 

as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My  Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on 

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, 

my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. 

 But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. 

Always something  more important to me. 

Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, 

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

I watched silently fora short time and then went into the house.. 

I was gone only a minute, 

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, 

you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a limp.

 ________________________________

My   wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I  said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

One   year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a   cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next   year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked  me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And   that's how the fight started.....  ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire   while we were in bed. I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look   at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And   that's when the fight started...  ________________________________ I  took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said,    "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah,  she can order for herself." And that's when the fight  started.....  ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted  for our  upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want  something shiny that goes  from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......  ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License   to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'  and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience   at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.  ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight  started........ .

Duz tha speak Yowkshire?

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A Yorkshire man takes his cat to the vet. Yorkshireman: "Ayup, lad, I need to talk to thee about me cat." Vet: "Is it a tom?" Yorkshireman: "Nay, I've browt it with us." ................................................................................... A Yorkshireman's dog dies and as it was a favourite pet he decides to have a gold statue made by a jeweller to remember the dog by. Yorkshireman: "Can tha mek us a gold statue of yon dog?" Jeweller: "Do you want it 18 carat?" Yorkshireman: "No I want it chewin' a bone yer daft bug ger!" ................................................................................................ A Yorkshireman's wife dies and the widower decides that her headstone should have the words "She were thine" engraved on it.  He calls the stone mason, who assures him that the headstone will be ready a few days after the funeral.  True to his word the stone mason calls the widower to say that the headstone is ready and would he like to come and have a look. When the widower gets there he takes one look at the stone to see that it's been engraved "She were thin". He explodes: "'ells bells man, you've left the blood y "e" out, you've left the blood y "e" out!" The stone mason apologises profusely and assures the poor widower that it will be rectified the following morning. Next day comes and the widower returns to the stone mason: "There you go sir, I've put the "e" on the stone for you". The widower looks at the stone and then reads out aloud: "E, she were thin". ................................................................................ Bloke from Barnsley with piles asks chemist "Nah then lad, does tha sell ar se cream?" Chemist replies "Aye, Magnum or Cornetto?"     . ---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------