Showing posts with label Blackberry Juniper. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Blackberry Juniper. Show all posts

Monday 25 January 2010

Blackbery Juniper


Somewhat typically, Blackberry Juniper was supposed to be producing a bairn today, but like all women everywhere she had failed to come up with the goods. However for several weeks now her conversation has been limited to things that are of no interest to any normal male. She can converse with her man, when he is not working, eating, or playing on the PC like he should. She no doubt spends far too much time gossipping
about nothing, or other women, to other women, as women do.  Those conversations they can keep to themselves! However I strongly suspect that the wide knowledge she has built up over the years of her short life will be pushed aside for the next few months as she and he become trapped by the new arrival. Now we all know what this means. nappies, smell, waking at odd hours, just like being here in fact! It also means lots of women arriving and informing mum the brat "Looks like his dad," which in my view is just as well. However when my brother, who married a Phillipino, received the boy from his wife, he was surrounded by other grinning toothed Phillipino women, looking at the dark haired, slant eyed child and telling all and sundry that he "Looks like his dad." We thought he looked like his mum! 

The strange thing about my brother was the photographs. You see photography was his job, that is he repaired cameras and did train in the RAF for photography. A glance through the albums show helicopters, jets, RAF personnel, places he was stationed and the like. Good pictures of high quality. Suddenly there is a woman, a Phillipino woman and from then on all pics are snaps of her. These only change when first one then another child arrives and she is forgotten and the brats take over the albums. One day, when they are of school age, this wears of and the quality photographs once again begin to appear and as the kids develop so do the pictures! No doubt BJ and Matt, if they take any pictures at all, will go through the same situation! The problem with a blessing, as some folks like to call them, is that the 'blessing' grows into a child, and that as you know is not always something to enjoy. Just think of the problems at school, the neighbours complaining about noise, the police at the door, the High school escapades, the crowd he/she will mix with,and the money they demand to keep up with the rest of their peers! Think about this and wonder why folks go through this! I begin to understand why my mother used to mutter about me being 'a mistake,' although I may have that wrong!


 
Today Scots celebrate Rabbie Burns birthday. The Scots sometimes regard him as some sort of saint, a 'warts and all' saint. He was certainly no saint in spite of some in the Church of Scotland giving him more credence than he deserves. He was however sharp eyed, quick witted, and in many respects very humane. He supported Scots independence and the American revolution, probably for the same reasons, and indeed almost ended up as an American citizen at one point. This did not happen and sadly he died while the effects of drink and rain brought him to a sad and early end. Not one for the high intellectual society of Edinburgh, although he managed to 'befriend' a few of the ladies there, he ended up a customs man in Dumfries. His heart and soul shine through his poetry and song, whether he spent hours on them or extemporised 'off the cuff.'

There are poems and songs, history and details regarding 'Burns Suppers' to be found here on this Burns site

O my Luve's like a red, red rose

O my Luve's like a red, red rose,
That's newly sprung in June:
O my Luve's like the melodie,
That's sweetly play'd in tune.

As fair art thou, my bonie lass,
So deep in luve am I;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
Till a' the seas gang dry.

Till a' the seas gang dry, my dear,
And the rocks melt wi' the sun;
And I will luve thee still, my dear,
While the sands o' life shall run.

And fare-thee-weel, my only Luve!
And fare-thee-weel, a while!
And I will come again, my Luve,
Tho' 'twere ten thousand mile!


Wednesday 18 March 2009

Blackberry Juniper


It was as I passed the canal at Little Venice that dark night on my way to the Open University tutorial that I noticed her. She was leaning on the railings looking up into the dark sky and gently howling. I stopped. This was not the lass I had come to know at these 'Mid Victorian Britain' classes. There she had been perceptive and alert, so much so she was constantly being slapped down by the magisterial tutor for getting ahead of herself, or ahead of the rest of us at least! I wondered if the family might be the cause of this worrying incident, possibly he has been reading philosophy books to her again and boring her rigid, or maybe the kid has been throwing bricks through the school windows perhaps? However the truth was much milder and indeed understandable than this. Blackberry Juniper was just howling at the moon as she does during every lunar cycle. As you know women's magazines fill lassies head with the idea that the moon influences their moods. Actually it is not enough vegetables! However high above in the clear, cold, dark sky hung a large bluish moon, strewn with left over NASA debris sending out it's influence over the tides and pretty young girls everywhere. I also have attempted to influence girls and tides in similar fashion from time to time and my only reward has been wet feet and rude girls asking questions about my footwear.
"Are your shoes wet?"
"No, why?"
"There's a big drip standing in them."

Blackberry Juniper (don't ask) has a brain the size of a planet and this is matched with her humility. She forgot to inform me that she received the high scores that led to the BA, and later an MA! I was informed of her BA scores by another. Talent, humility, good looks and personality, what more does a woman need - money that's what! As I write I know the lass is struggling to keep awake and smile at the brain dead creatures who surround her in the dank dungeon her boss refers to as a 'hive of industry.' Leaving the Orcs behind for thirty minutes in the middle of the day BJ can be seen standing with her neck craned, staring up into the sky high above the concrete jungle that is London. All around citizens of this city are seen doing the same, desperately attempting to find daylight in the darkness of the megalopolis in which they are forced to dwell.
Back in the Dickensian world in which her crust is earned, BJ takes advantage of the lull in the slavery to continue writing the novel which, one day, will bring lasting fame and oodles of cash her way. The fear of continually being harassed by the media does not bother her, "I will be in my Island in the West Indies anyway!" As long as the money keeps coming and her servants keep bowing at her feet she will be content. In the meantime in the real world she keeps her man in order, in spite of his natural 'man like' mistakes. The most recent, answering her question honestly!
He was idly flipping through the TV channels looking for something that was not aimed at a four year old cretin when she asked, "What's on the TV?"
"Dust," he replied.
The doctor was required to retrieve the remote control from where she put it!

I just thought it right to mention this lovely woman, a friend of long standing, she has no chairs in the house, and one who has survived many days fraught with trouble and pain. A wise lass, when I suggested she run away from it all and marry me she said this could not happen for 'religious reasons.' I asked"Why?"
"Because you think you are god, and I don't," she replied.

Why can't more women be like Blackberry Juniper?

Saturday 2 February 2008

Nagging Woman


Now I appreciate that there are no nagging women in this world. I know this because I have been given such information by a large assortment of women, many times over. Therefore it must be true, because as they put it, "I say so!" That is not an argument I can counter, certainly not with facts anyway......

In such a fashion my beautiful, she says, young friend 'Blackberry Juniper' has 'requested' I post more about her than about lesser items, such as worldwide famine, nuclear war, earthquakes or football. All subjects she deems less important than mentioning her situation. Now I am not one to be bullied by just anybody you know, oh no.
I assure you I only get nagged and bullied by the best, and she is quite an experienced nagger I can tell you.

So what can we say that will stop her hitti...er, indicating my mistakes? Well I could tell you of her comfortable abode in the heart of London, her luck in acquiring a man of the right sort - housetrained and obedient. She has humour, sending me a postcard of a cemetary and writing "Wish you were here" on the back, and of course she has a massive intellect that she humbly never talks about. This lass obtained an MA while I still have only an 'O' level of the flimsiest kind. Her knowledge is, like her looks, without comparison, her employment many levels below that which she is capable off. Her faults...well I have NEVER found any, and I say that under no compulsion at all - more or less....

But why do women nag? Could it be he doesn't listen? The female of the species needs care and attention and often. Little things must be noticed, hairstyle, earings, new sauce in the casserole etc. These of course are the very things the man will not observe because they are irrelevant to him! Who notices that she is wearing red today and not blue? Only a woman, and only a woman would understand what that means, whatever it means. If he does not pay attention to her, she will of course nag, and women use several times the number of word any male will use. But if he pays attention and leads her to what is good for her, she will love him for it, but still find time to complain because he has not noticed the shoes are new ones...... Which reminds me of the call I had this morning. A friend has seen his wife of to a conference for the weekend and he called because he thought he required a doctor. With her not being in the house he thought he had gone deaf!


Pic from http://www.humourbeings.co.uk/pics_2.htm

Thursday 13 December 2007

Social Networking

So a friend, who shall not be named, let's just call her 'Blackberry Juniper,' tells me I must join 'Facebook.' Obedient to the last, and knowing how evil women can be, I enlisted. Time passes and I still have no idea what this is all about! I have a garden which includes a bunny and a donkey! Gifts that appear to be no more than pictures, and am constantly bombards with 'notifications' that someone wants to talk to me on a 'wall.' First it was 'The Wall,' then the 'Super Wall,' or the 'Advanced Wall,' there is also a 'Graffiti Wall' and several others. Each notification uses a different way of communication, why? Just what is the point of these things? Can these folk not just e-mail like normal folks, or text like kids?

What is worse two folk from the past have turned up! Now as it happens these people are OK, although one speaks only in 'text speak' and therefore I have no idea what she is saying. Which may be a benefit of course! However the lass who started all this has gone quiet and has not responded to the many 'gifts' I have sent her, 'free' of course. I even sent her a present to put under her pagan and ungodly Christmas tree - yes I was forced to have one also! Well I need the presents don't I!

The other day a card arrived from up North in the land of constant wind, rain and these days, sleet! My sweet ten year old great niece, sweet to those who don' t know the brat, wrote the family Christmas cards. This is because her writing is better than her mothers and if she had not done it they would never be sent. her mother managed to send the cards in time a couple of years ago, and on enquiring how he done it met the reply, "They are from last year. I forgot to post them!" Right enough. Before that she had sent my expensive gift to my brother by mistake. I hope it fitted!

Anyway this trainee juvenile delinquent 'just happened' to mention her 'Bebo' address on the card. I understood she had obtained one of these by blackmailing her dad, but had not been informed of the address. Naturally I took the bait like any great uncle fearful of the consequences of not responding, and struggled to open a 'Bebo' account just to please the whelp. Naturally, after spending an evening tying to understand, and failing, how to set the thing up as I require, no trace of the brats account could be found. Either she has had it closed in the few days since writing the cards or it is an incorrect address.

Now I have two 'social networking' sites I could live without, clumps of hair lying around the chair, and some tell me these things are amongst the 'must haves' of today. I am off back to my 'The Might That Was Assyria' book, I find cuneiform tablets easier to understand. First person to say 'Peace' gets it!

Saturday 8 September 2007

Facebook


Yes indeed Facebook, I have been dragged out of my isolation into this worldwide phenomena called Facebook. Like all normal males of a certain age I would of course ignore such flippancies. These fancy dan happenings belong to the 'young' generation, an organisation I no longer belong to. However a woman, as always Blackberry juniper, has 'invited' me to enroll. This I dutifully did, now I a struggling to work out how to make it work. So far this woman has sent me hugs, which I could not find, drink, I could not drink, and flowers and that have enlivened my garden. There are many other 'happenings' within Facebook but I really cannot work out how they work. The one I enjoyed most was the virtual bookshelf, much more my idea of fun!

But it must be asked, what is the point? Fun? OK I'm all for that, timewasting maybe, great for those at work, deepening friendships, yeah OK. But how do they make their money? Someone somewhere is earning a penny or two from this and it is not me. So how do they cash in? Go on, answer me. You don't know and neither do I. I bet that lassie does not know either. Typical. That you see is one of the many troubles with females, they get you into things and when it goes wrong, and it will, they blame you! Tsk!

And another thing, she complains I never mention her but do you think she will take her face away from her man to read this? No! Will she give Facebook and her enormous wide circle of friends a miss to reply? No! This is typical of a bird who wonders why men watch football and ignore them. We know what gives us a better answer! Which reminds me, the game will start soon, so I, like the meat in the fridge, I'm off!

Friday 13 July 2007

The Sun is Shining


This can only mean one thing, it's going to rain! I can tell, although in this country that is not hard! Still, it is better here than up in the highlands and Islands I suppose. When signing on yesterday (Still signing on after all this time!) the lass told me of her holiday in Fort William, it rained daily! She, being of Spanish derivation, was somewhat surprised! Well she knows now I suppose. But in spite of the sunshine I note the trees are swaying like billy-oh. Blue sky and puffy clouds will soon be replaced by howling gales and dirty big gray clouds. You can tell it's July.

However, I am supposed to be out there indulging in my walk exercising today also. Exercising? Yep, this is the latest idea to get fit by the end of next week. Oh yes I will! maybe. Anyway, I must go out and walk several times a day, in an attempt to increase stamina and get fit for any job that may turn up. As if! Still, a walk, then some effort with the heavy weights - well, maybe some stretches then, and we will be on the way.

But if you have a brain jobs are available. Blackberry Juniper decided to get a job and walked into one straight away. How come? She has a brain! That is where I fall down! Had I decided to have a brain like hers I would be up there among the high heid ones these days. Instead I find myself lingering here on the ground floor among the beasties. She of course is to bright for her job. But is content to earn cash to stay alive. One day she will be happy enough to have a picture of her happy smiling face seen on these boards - if she sends me the picture of course. But for now, while I flog myself to death her on this keyboard, she sits moping at work, clock watching and nail filing, like thousands of other lassies, while the men do all the work. She ought to do her nails as it is Friday, ad I expect her man wants to take her out, wine and dine her, show her the town, and ensure her troubles are left behind.

While they enjoy the Friday evening pleasures, I will be curled up with P.G.Wodehouse and 'Wodehouse on Wodehouse.' Good job I'm not one to complain.

Saturday 2 June 2007

Summer Weather

The thing that pleases me about summer weather is walking through the Public Gardens and enjoying the trees, plants and shrubs. I don't think I have enjoyed it so much before. Maybe because I was always working and on my day off either too busy or too knackered! However, sitting there reading my book, listening to the birds singing and watching the never ceasing work rate of the squirrels is strangely enjoyable. That is the third time I have used 'enjoy.' The fact that the sun is warm, when it gets through the clouds that is, does help.

However, when it rains, I do not find myself any less happy, mostly because I am inside and not out there being soaked through. The English are a funny lot in summer rain. For two days it pelted down. The park opposite was an inch deep in places, yet some Englishmen were wandering around in T-shirts, and two that I saw were wearing shorts! Now if it had been warm at the time I would have understood, but it was cold, very cold. Still these chumps wandered about as though in Majorca. Being daft comes naturally to the English.

I wonder if Blackberry Juniper would allow her man such an experience? I somehow doubt it, being quite a wise nag...er, I mean, caring woman.

Friday 18 May 2007

Nagging women, or is it Woman?


Why do women nag? It appears that no matter what part of the world a person visits, you will find a nagging woman! Of course, you will also find she has no reason to nag? There never is. How can a woman nag when she is surrounded by men? Men are the most reasonable of souls. Men tolerate the most unreasonable girls, the most thoughtless behaviour, the needless routine questions about their appearance ('what haircut?'), and an an inability to be anywhere on time.
Yet women complain? Why?

One example of this is Blackberry Juniper. She ignores me for what seems like years, spends all her time concentrating on her man, never phones, never calls, never e-mails, yet complains when she is not mentioned on these ramblings! Now she has been mentioned in the past, but has not noticed. Did I complain? Did I hold my breath until I went blue in the face? NO! I did what all men would do in the circumstances, I just got on with watching the football. Now there's another thing! Watching football. How many women will complain that it's '...always the same...' then go of and watch some soap opera? Tell me the changes in any soap opera over the last ten years? You can't because there has not been any changes! This one is still the baddie, that one the womaniser, she still the bitch, that one the tart! IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME RUBBISH!!!!!

Yet the women who watch it week by week don't notice. Why? Yet, if you wear the same shirt to work you wore yesterday they ask why? I have known men forced to change ties because 'You wore that one last time you went there.' A toilet seat being up becomes war at home, while hoovering when the cup final is on is OK??????????

No excuse to nag exists, yet women do. The toilet seat, the shirt, the ignoring the hair ('what hair?'), forgetting a birthday ('you're 48, I thought it was tactful to forget...oh 45, sorry.'), the anniversary slipped the mind ('I thought I would take you out on Saturday, honest'). If a man so much as throws a paper on the floor, in his house, she tells him to put it where it belongs ( he would like to!), he opens the window she wants it shut, she panics because the child needs a new school bag and he is not panicking also, so she complains, long and loud. If she e-mails, and he does not respond within her time frame (which changes constantly) he is nagged, constantly. Forgetting to mention a woman on here (and I am always pointing out their foibles her ooh missus) and sly comments will pass, like. MENTION ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blackberry Juniper is of course a sweet young thing. Good looking, attractive, highly intelligent, capable of doing anything she chooses, wise (usually) hard working, good humoured, and on top of this a best selling novelist (tomorrow). Bet she nags me soon mind.........

Sunday 26 November 2006

Blackberry Juniper

Another Saturday came. I woke early. I had no choice, I was no longer dreaming so I must have been awake. I rose from the bed with all the grace of an arthritic camel. Bleary eyed I looked at the mess that comprised the living quarters. Dust rose from the carpet as I walked about, wondering what I was doing. Blackberry Juniper I suddenly thought! My mind raced, I gave concentrated thought, but I could not figure out a way to get her to come and do my housework.
Suddenly it occurred to me, it was Saturday! She might be here with her man! She might choose today to pop round! I looked at the mess, oh dear I thought. I looked at the red eyed creature in the mirror and noticed three weeks growth strewn with last nights supper. Oh Dear!

By nine o' clock, the floor was hoovered, the windows had been opened (so that's what fresh air smells like) dust had been eradicated, tidiness prevailed! A bath had been taken and a rusty blade used on the face.

I waited.

And waited.

The phone rang! Jings, crivvens that is her, she is coming today after all!
The phone went down. I do NOT want to take part in that survey!
I return to waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.

I knew the way to make her come or not. I searched the web for a football match.
If she was coming, now would be the time!
She didn't!

Anyway, watching the football I forgot all about her !

Thursday 26 October 2006

Strange Flu Symptoms

My friend Blackberry Juniper has been suffering from the strange flu like symptoms that have arisen in recent years. Colds and flu used to arrive in their time, destroy your life for a while, then move on. Now the bug arrives, and lingers. One day, or more, in the throat. One day, or more, in the head. Slowly it moves around the body affecting various parts with malady. This goes on so long that I have suffered one bug for a time and it has rolled into the next one. Why?
Is there a reason for this new style cold? It cannot in truth be called flu, even though we use that name. But it debilitates, causes suffering, and is a nuisance. Symptoms can be dealt with, sometimes. But the disease just will not end!

Saturday 29 April 2006

Writing

Every so often I take to writing, but I never get far. Recently I had an idea for a short story. I began to scribble the main idea, some of the characters, and one or two relevant points. I got no further. Somewhere on a disk is the beginnings of my major work, 'The History of the First World War.' The war lasted from the fourth of August 1914 until 11th of November 1918. My book makes it to midday on the fourth of August 1914 and falls asleep! There are several more, history based, items I have found. Not one is going anywhere, a sad reflection of the author!
Others are more able to make use of their talents. The word 'talents' I use there of course depends whether you like what is written or not! There are those who write weighty volumes, with hundreds of pages, that I would not use to kindle a fire with.
Woman's fiction is a good example of wasted paper if ever there was one!
When I first came to this backwater I looked into the charity shops for cheap books. In London these shops were always full of a wide selection of books able to satisfy every taste. Out here the predominate taste was Joan Collins, or Barbara Cookson! Dozens of similar volumes filled the bookshelves awaiting another feeble minded, self centered lassie desperate to escape into an unreal fantasy world. Yet , something to consider, these folks can vote! Time for a rethink I say!
Is it possible to find a woman who can write properly? A female who understands the world and has experience of life? Do thinking women exist?
Well yes as it happens. I admit you have to look for them, sometimes it takes a bit of digging, but they can be found. I found one once, beautiful, intelligent, kind, thoughtful, full of charm, grace, and all things good. I was in love!
She ran off with a Frenchman!
But there are still others around. I know another, and she is an author in waiting.
Blackberry Juniper has attempted novels, short stories and the like. Possibly she has put her mind to non fiction also, she certainly has the ability! Maybe she ought to combine the two and write a historical novel, set in the Victorian era, and become world famous?
This would be the least she deserves after all her troubles.
One day one of her attempts, and maybe one of mine, will end in print.
The world waits.....