It has been known.I truly believed that I had sensed the end for me and Jesus. Sitting here I was in some degree of empty vacuousness, and all seemed at an end. However, in the time since Jesus has shown his grace and mercy to me. Once more leading me into a deeper knowledge of himself. Answering prayers that I had not quite asked and revealing his love for me, and desire to have me fully given over to him. I praise him for his answers, and am amazed at his care, and undeserved mercy.What a God we have in this Jesus! Well, that sounds like one of those awful American Christian sites we see far too much off! I don't often talk like that, I am a wee bit more sober and Scots in my approach. But it is true however, and I am glad and want to have more of Jesus, and to be given over to him completely.
Let's go God! 
Do I have something to be grateful for? Then I give thanks.
But I don't!
I don't want to 'give thanks.'Why? Because in doing so I admit that what I have does not belong to me, but comes from God. This is hard to accept. I want to be in control of my life. I want to make the decisions because then I am safe! I will not allow anything to hurt me, or allow anything detrimental to enter my life to unsettle me. So I will not give thanks, because that means God is in control!
A brief reading of Jesus sermon on the mount indicates Gods care for his people. Throughout the Old Testament (which means contract between God and his people) God shows his care, his love, to his rebellious Israel. Gods heart weeps at the behaviour of his own. His judgments which must happen, come after long years of patience with them.
God suffers when he has to take action. His heart breaks when he judges his people.
Yet, in spite of knowing this, I find myself reluctant to trust him, reluctant to let him decide what is best for me, and unable or unwilling to give myself back to him.
I want to be god in my life!
It is not as though God wants to be a totalitarian overlord. I always make the decisions regarding my actions, but God the father wants me to love him, and be his friend. Wow! That is something. I have to make that decision. Take all he offers or live a miserable selfish life. And I struggle with this.......
Hmmmm
