Earlier today I went searching for one of these locks pictured above. This lock usually resides at the bottom of an inner door but was dunted by a man in a mobile disabled scooter a while back and has been wanting fixed ever since. Nothing was done as it is an inner door and only opens in summer when the weather is like this (and I should indicate that tomorrow is again stotting rain!) and therefore is rarely used. Howver the other day it was 'suggested' that I go to B&Q and get another.
You all know what a woman's 'suggestion' is like.....
So off I trundled this lunchtime on the Free Bus along with some badly dressed school girls on much needed fashion shopping trips to the out off town shopping emporium. The bus stops at the far end from B&Q, that's B&Q way down there hidden behind the trees, cars, trolleys and confused women attempting to get large boxes from said trolleys into car boots (I kept going!), so I had to walk all the way back and down through the car park to the store.
Taking my broken lock in hand I approached two attractive young female members of the B&Q staff
"er, umm, er..." They began muttering that they had never seen one before and one pointed me in the direction of the appropriate aisle. Here I, along with several other lost souls, searched aisle 35 back and forth and while discovering dozens of locks, padlocks, bolts and the like I noted that they were all completely different from mine. "Hmmm thought I, this could be an out of date, not likely to be found anywhere type lock." You canny say I'm not quick. Well OK you can.
I glumly made my way back to the door when the dark haired young lady previously encountered asked if I found what I was looking for. I informed her of my failure and she tried to encourage me in my endeavour with appropriate words of wisdom and sent me on my way. Two excellent members of staff Mr B&Q and don't you forget it.
I pondered my options and considered my knees. I could walk through the clothing side of the shopping centre where overpriced outfits are reduced to far too much money for anyone with half a brain (I note the free bus was a double-decker implying the centre expects lots of kids soon during the holidays) and having pondered and considered I remembered the Screwfix establishment on the other side and headed in that direction. Sadly I wandered through the shops where I was tempted to look in and be depressed by the price tags. However I still managed to buy three T-Shirts (size fat) from an attractive capable young lass I that Sports Shop that thinks it owns Rangers FC. Actually now I think about it, it does! These T-Shirts I buy there because I find they shrink less than the majority I buy. The girl pointed to the store magazine as they always do 'Sports Something' it was called. As I hung my belly over the counter I asked if she thought I was the 'sporty type.' I then noticed a headline on the magazine which read 'Burn Fat' so maybe she was just making a point?
Onwards I walked blocking out the sun from folks sitting on benches my knees asking where we were going and reminding me by the creaking noises they make that this was not a clever idea fatso! I went anyway, I had promised to get this bolt/lock thing and the man in the know was in Texas showing off his Landrover to jealous Yanks so he was no help and I had to check out this place. I asked the kid on the desk (was he 18?) about the lock. He did not recognise the lock and did not lose his confused somewhat dull expression but as is their way looked up his catalogue and searched for me. Pages were turned, turned back, turned again, and he agreed with me it was not to be found. I agreed even though I could not see what he was looking at as it was upside down and small. Screwfix work on an 'Argos' style basis where you search the catalogue, fill in the form and they get it from the store. Excellent idea if you know what you look for. The kid looked to his elder colleague also wearing the same dull expression who made it clear he had no knowledge of the lock. Only later did I realise they were 'Argos' like in their knowledge of the goods. "Hmmm, thought I, this lock is out of date or maybe the world is fighting against us."
I headed to Wicks around the corner and made my way wearily there. The lassies there were welcoming and helpful, one leading me round at far too far a pace for my knees to where the locks were to be found all proudly displayed in their little bags or plastic wrappings. None were suitable, none were what I looked for and none had ever passed the ken of the girls before. At least theyw ere helpful. As elsewhere all on display had been modern efficient locks of recent date much loved by the tradesmen and DIY folks who use such stores, they were no good to me, someone famed for having the DIY skills of a chimpanzee on Expresso coffee and a pint of vodka!
Home beckoned and I turned in that direction. I should remind listeners that the sun was shining through the clouds and the temperature was around 70ish and I was walking not sitting on the free bus. Not only was I wearing my wee jacket that was fine earlier when the wind was blowing when I ventured out the house but now the wind died and I was lumbered with a bag with T-Shirts and a 'Screwfix' catalogue. This was brought just in case we need one next time, and there will be a next time. My knees ached, my feet complained and now I had run out of ideas, also it was so far to walk back for the free bus I decided to walk on myself. Stupid man! I headed home avoiding the builders in their transit vans as they charged out of the gates to the stores I had left (do they have brakes?) and made for home.
My brain was befuddled before I set out and now it was frying away quite happily. There is an ironmongers in town, too far for my knees my knees said creaking loudly but it seemed good tome to try for it. As I struggled up the slope into town the free bus raced past me giving me a smug grin as it did so. This added to the realisation that the walk into town where the ironmongers were situated was further than I realised. The bus's grin pleased me no end and I informed the bus of my considered opinion especially as it stops quite close to my destination. There was no-one there to listen, the bus certainly didn't. The ironmongers when I reached there are often helpful and naturally were of little use. I didn't even consider Tesco over the road as I would have to climb the stairs to be disappointed , and I made my way home with a broken lock and broken knees.
I grumbled when after dowsing my fat hulk in cold water I stood on the weighing machine to see how much weight had been lost by walking the hundred miles back and forth. NOTHING! I still stood at 16 stone!
Now, looking through the Screwfix catalogue I find 'Flush Bolts' that look exactly like the ones I have, apart from the difference. Bah! How come kiddo did not notice? Lets not go there.