Paper Lampshades

How long does it take to hang a lampshade? I reckoned this would take a few minutes. All I had to do was remove the previous dust encrusted creatures, dead beasties and all, and shove the new ones in place. Wrong! Taking the old yellowing (were these yellow to begin with?) shades down was easy enough. Except from falling of the bed in one instance and almost of the couch with the other. What? Ladder? Tsk! Real men don't need to go to all that bother. Once I had removed the old ones I dumped them aside where they can be cleaned and either donated to the charity shops or the dustman, depending on what is left of them. I then began the endurance test that is assembling a paper lampshade and fixing it in place.

The helpful instructions warn you to be careful not to rip the paper, as if we need be told. They do not indicate that inserting the metal (Convex 'B') expander inside the lantern is almost impossible without tearing something somewhere, including muscles in the fingers. Once the (Convex 'B') is embedded in (eyelets 'A') and all is secure it merely requires attachment to light fitting. Simply reach up and ensure the flex is threaded through the 'C' shaped clip. This was easy peasy. I knew this would be a quick job. Then I realised I could not get the (energy saving) light bulb inside it! I pushed it from the bottom, after struggling to get the thing through the gap without tearing the paper or any more finger muscles. However I could not reach the fitting, so with the other hand I forced the shade further up the flex to bring the thing closer. After a lot of cursing it came closer but would not fit in! My long slender fingers, ideal for a pianist or a pickpocket I suppose, struggled and sweated and burnt until the two parts came together. They would not actually enjoin, but the touched and that was a victory I thought. By now I was wishing I had kept up the fitness regime as I was stretching beyond endurance. In the course of time the fitting fitted and locked itself into place. I stood, drenched in sweat thinking "I thought it would be cooler in the shade," and considered my need for lunch.

However armed with experience I continued onto the second shade and with better posture, and a lower ceiling, I swiftly, sort off, finished the struggle and sat back and cleared the mess. As I was doing this I chanced upon the instructions. "Insert light bulbs pre fitted before (Fig 4) adding shade." So help me......