No Football on TV Tonight!

I'm shocked! There is NO football on TV tonight! What shall I do? If I switch it on I may well be confronted by banal shows like the one shown here. This requires all the intellect of someone who reads the 'Daily Star' and has no life, yet it apparently is on daily! With the TV breaking down, and this substitute being used I can only get the five channels, and each one is stuffed to the brim with vapid drivel! This is very worrying, I might even have to talk to someone, a real person I mean, not one of those machines at customer service places. Yes I realise they appear to be human but come on, surely they must be machines? Three weeks, or is it longer, of non stop football ends. Suddenly there are several hours of life freed up. I may even have to open a window or clean all those dishes piled up in the sink now. I had better look behind the front door, I expect the postman will have been at sometime and left a few bills. Once the remaining games are over I will have to face reality once again. Oh, suddenly I have a headache.....

© Copyright Bob Embleton

Aberdeen Logic

Two Aberdonian farmers, Mat and Don, are sitting in the Farmers bar drinking beer.

Mat turns to Don and says, "Ye ken fit? I'm tired o'gan through life athoot an education.. I'morn, I think I'll go doon to the squeel and sign up for some nicht classes."
Don thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Mat goes down to the school and meets the Lecturer, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, History, and Logic."

Logic?" Mat says. "Fit's at?"

The Lecturer says, "I'll show you. Do you own a Strimmer?"

"Aye"" Then logically because you own a Strimmer, I think that you have a Garden.

Mat replies, "At's true, I div hae a Gairden."

"I'm not done," the Lecturer says. "Because you have a Garden, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Aye, I dee huv a hoose."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."


"I hiv a femily."


"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."


"Man! Yer nae wrang!! I div hae a wife!!"

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am that! a heterosexual. That's amazin'!! You were able to find a' that oot, jist 'cos huv a strimmer."

Excited to take the class now, Mat shakes the Lecturers's hand and leaves to meet Don at the pub.

He tells Don about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History and Logic..

"Logic?" Don says, "Fit's at? "Mat says, "I'll show ye. Do you huv a strimmer?"


"No."


"Well then, yer a poof."