Jokes

I get on extremely well with the lesbians next door. They asked me what I would like for my birthday. I was stunned when they gave me a Rolex. It was very nice of them, but I think they misunderstood me when I said,
"I wanna watch."


Some folk will take offence at anything....I met a bloke with no legs this morning while at the bus stop and all I asked was "How are you getting on?"

They reckon that Beer contains female hormones and I think they're right. 

After 8 pints I talk shit and can't drive.

An Englishman goes to the doctor with hearing problems. 
"Can you describe the symptoms to me?" asked the doctor.
"Yes. Homer is a fat yellow lazy sod and Marge is a skinny bird with big blue hair."

Ear plugs, for fast effective relief from period pain.

My girlfriend is suffering from depression. She phoned me the other day and said, "I feel like jumping in front of a bus and you're not doing anything to help."

So I sent her a time-table.

Paddy was in the delivery room when the midwife handed him a black baby "Is this yours?" she asked. "Probably." said Paddy "She burns everything else!"