How to be an Idiot

First, buy glasses. The old pair are of course broken by being dropped carelessly on a hard floor. Take a trip to the cheape...er best optician in town. Be open to the suggestion of having 'Varifocal' lenses. Pay large sums for what seems a good idea. At first sight it works! Hooray!
Within a week you realise, it doesn't! Booooo!

Buy a laptop! Super idea. Great for trips up north to Edinburgh, and using back there. Discover modem don't work. New modem sent, no instructions on how to fix it. Discover old modem works on Com 6, but new one uses com 5! Why? Don't know, but doesn't work either. E-mail tech. 'Use the disk to put it right.' OK. Disk says, 'use DOS.' DOS says, 'Insert diskette.'
THERE IS NO DISKETTE! So that don't work. Explain why to tech. 'Use disk,' they say.
%$"@!#* say I.
Like a weegie it still don't work......

So, the bath is separating from the tiles on the wall. Simple. Buy some of that white stuff in a tube, and apply. Well, first buy the gun to actually get the stuff out of the tube, then apply. When finished going around the bath, putting the loose tiles back, and breaking in...or two, leave it to slowly begin setting while I do the same in the kitchen. Return to the bath to smooth it all out and tidy the work. Find it has already dried hard! No-one mentioned it was quick drying! Oh, we will fix that....tomorrow......

Get Freeview TV. Buy box. Spend hours fixing the 'simple' cables. Discover it doesn't work!
Decide a new ariel is needed. Rush to Argos. The slowest moving company in the world. Watch headless chickens run around in the back shop, while NONE attend to the ever growing mass of people rushing to the collection point at the bodyless instructions behest. Hours later, receive new ariel. Spend afternoon building it, then rebuilding it properly. Doesn't work! It does not pick up the digital signal! Visit Tesco. Buy cheap indoor ariel, which works. Also buy connector box to bring Tv, Freeview box and VCR onto one control point. Video does not work! Wrong box.
Burst into tears.........

Support the Heart of Midlothian. Wait forty to fifty years for success. Be inspired when George Burley is brought in buy new Lithuanian multi millionaire, and success dawns! Burley sacked when top of the league and many points clear. New man, Rix, brought in amidst recriminations and crocodile tears. Rix lets slip the fact that Vlad insists on picking team. Outcry! Again world about to collapse. Remain in second spot even now, awaiting the defeat of Hibernian in the semi final of the cup, glory is just around the corner. We know what that means eh!

Just back from Tesco. No need to buy anything till Monday. Then I will do the main shop. Great, Saturday with the shops full makes for no pleasure whatsoever!
Discover I have forgotten the bread!
Burst into tears again........

How to be an idiot? Easy, very easy.....