IT’S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU’RE SCOTS IF.

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Blatantly stolen from here - The Ben Lomand Free Press

1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as  good weather.

2. The only sausage you like is square                                                                  3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every  year at secondary school.

4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty,  aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic…

5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using  Buchanan’s toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc

6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a ‘numpty’ team like the Faroe Islands.

7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you’ve never met before.

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you’re  in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.

9. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.

10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.

11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent – “Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic  pal.” Or “Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?”, etc

12. You see cops and hear someone shout ‘Errapolis’.

13. You have participated in or watched people having a ‘square go’.

14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.

15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince ‘n tatties, Tunnock’s Caramel Logs/wafers and teacakes, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen  skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.

16. A jakey has asked you for money.

17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.

18. You know the right response to ‘Ye dancing ?’ is ‘Y’askin?’ followed by ‘Ahm askin’ and finally ‘Then ahm dancin’.

19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that’s what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.

20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.

21. You don’t do shopping… you ‘go the messages’.

22. You’re sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke – and asking ‘Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?’ and you respond ‘Naw, not at a’, yer fine. This is ma stoap, but’.

23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words ‘awright’, ‘aye’ and ‘naw’.

24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out – regardless of the circumstances.

25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and

that seven hundred hungry weans’ll testify tae that.   Furthermore

you’re sure that if it’s butter, cheese or jeely, or if  the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99  tae wan.

26. You know that going to a party at a friend’s house involves bringing your own drink.

27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you’re away.

28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we’ll end up losing 3-2 here  and you think “Probably”.

29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.

30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.

31. You’re used to 4 seasons in one day.

32 You can’t pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your drunk.

33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.

34. You measure distance in minutes.

35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family

36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it’s like being at the ocean

37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.

38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.

39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.

40. You’ve been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.

41. You aren’t surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop                                                                                                        42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.

43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.

44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.

45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms – “How’s it hingin’?”, “clatty”, “boggin”,  “cludgie”, “dreich”, “bampot”, “bawheid”, “baw bag” and “dubble  nugget”.

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Encyclopedia Dramatica

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whisky distiller, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Explain This!

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What the....?

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I've passed this spot hundreds of times in the past few years yet never noticed this....er, object, sitting on the wall.I had to take a hurried picture and cogitate on the meaning thereof. It stands in a space now holding a disgusting poofy looking fountain, erected at great cost by one of the towns benefactors sometime in the 20's or 30's. He could have erected something a bit more stylish if you ask me, that is why I have not pictured the thing here! Anyway, the fountain was erected on a spot that once held a couple of houses, and possibly shops also. I know that as studying the names on the town war memorial I found one who lived on this exact spot, and I suggest he had some sort of dwelling here rather than kipping on the benches provided. The fountain features the nancy boy holding fish, and Griffins are in short supply there, although dolphins abound. Actually so did soap bubbles for a while. Some rough type emptied dishwashing liquid into the water and it bubbled for weeks until the council cleaned it out! I suppose they are meant to be Griffins, or maybe part of the town crest, but I don't see how. Still, it is nice to note my photographers eye is improving and I will soon be 'A' like in my ability.  Oh I get it now! These are meant to be Sea Horses..... aren't they....? 

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Wednesday Joy

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So, sluggishly pushing aside the ageing ex-army blankets I entered the world as fresh as a daisy, albeit one that had experienced a very rough night. After a gallon of coffee I headed for what I refer to these days as 'work.' I clambered aboard the rusting bike and headed down the pavement towards the corner thirty yards from my door. I sniffed the air, I noticed the sun, I appreciated the warmth on my feeble body, I observed the bright blue of the sky, I ran into three policemen!
Just as I reached the corner three of the boys in blue (well one was female but often it's hard to tell isn't it?) arrived at the same time as I, and I met them head on! I suddenly forgot everything and the conversation, which was was polite, almost friendly, as I blabbered stupidly while they beat the life out of me. "Just for practice you understand," said the leader, an experienced and possibly senior, officer. I gathered the remains of my limbs, thanked them profusely for not giving me the ticket, three tickets one suggested, and raced off slowly to 'work.'


Entering in my usual cheery manner I greeted the two ladies sitting at reception, the sour faced bint I noticed was not there today, possibly at home practising her early menopause I suspect, and greeted the men in the warehouse in similar cheery manner. They as yet do not comprehend me as others do so there were no remarks informing me where I could place my cheeriness, there was however a bad air. This is partly caused by the drain near the door, it is mostly caused by the bad news. This news I heard last week, the place is closing down! The company, who have only recently moved here, have decided to 'outsource' their warehouse. 'Outsource' is another way of saying 'getting another to do it cheaper.' There is no doubt the warehouse is a bit of a muddle, and there is no surprise that money is a problem after their recent move here. However while several of the boys will find work elsewhere, many are 'agency temps' anyway, others will end up like me, old and unwanted! Naturally the 'suits' are saying little. If they could it would make things worse, and as it is a 'suits' mindset not to say anything unless it is required, nothing is said. Result, no-one is sure of anything!
When I started I noticed a problem, now understanding it I feel bad for the ones that will lose out. The whole operation is planned for a week or two ahead, yet silence is what is heard, an no news is indeed bad news for morale!. Two weeks before they become unemployed, unwanted and kicked out onto the street, while po-faced receptionist will most likely keep her face furrowed on the four days she actually shows up.
This of course means my job will end, and I do not know when! Marvellous! I sit here with limbs aching because no pretty girl will massage them for me, debts so high George Osbourne (the Chancellor) has offered to help me budget (No thanks Georgie!) and an energy loss that equals that of a Rangers player called upon to represent Scotland!
Still, as I always say, it could be worse, I could be English!

After reading this I may go in for an 'Idiot of the week' award, well I would but I might win it myself of course. This idiot was forced by his screaming wife and terrified kids to act the 'hero.' His job was to get the spider from behind the loo and remove it, or the family would be constipated by dawn!
Now normal folk would get a bit of card and chase the brute from it's (is it male or female and how do you tell?) hiding place. Not our hero. Maybe it is because it was late,maybe it is because he is an IT expert and more used to staring at spiders on the web (get it?), or possibly it was because he lives in Clacton (IT expert in Clacton?) where stiletto heels and ankle chains still abound among the Essex Girls there, but our hero went for the dramatic solution. He fired an aerosol spray, some sort of deodorant (BRUT probably) and then, for reasons of his own, lit a cigarette lighter to see if the spider had gone.
Naturally it exploded!
Burns to fingers, ambulance to hospital, 'Daily Mail' for photograph. (And how come this is in the 'Daily Mail' I ask? Do you get paid for blowing yourself up stupidly these days?). A small story to show that the stupidity of the Essex Man never dies, even when an IT expert!


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Fire!

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Around ten thirty this morning I discovered these machines were standing outside the door. The disused 'Clinic' building appeared to have a problem. No smoke, no flames, no screaming for help. 
Most disappointing I say!
This is not an unusual event round here. What with the skatepark and the neds that gather there I am surprised this old clinic has not burned down long since. However it was early on a Sunday and it is unusual to have anyone over seven or eight hanging around, and usually with a bored parent in tow at that time. Could this unexplained event be an actual accident? Well that would be a shock! There again my cynical mind wonders if it was an attempt to deliberately burn down the building? Indeed while there was no obvious fire at the time, just a fat policewoman ( I'd like to see her chase a baddie) talking into her phone while the firemen sat in the cab awaiting instructions. However when I passed on my constitutional tonight I did notice a slight rancid burning smell in the air indicating something had been burning. So this brings out the cynic in me. Who would benefit from this disused building burning down? The people selling the land it stands on maybe? The one who suggested creating a 93 bed hotel there? (93 beds? shome mishtake shurely?) The NHS Trust who own the thing? I wonder.....


Gosh, that was exciting, sometimes I wonder how I cope out here? In London we had proper fires with crowds, blocked streets, huge flames, and ladders reaching high into the sky. Out here two engines of part time firemen arrive and potter about. The police put up tape, the gas man comes along to check, a blue car owner shoves his nose in, and suddenly they are all off home for their dinner! They never even told me what happened.  Well that has taken all my energy, emotional and physical. Not quite so much as was removed when listening to Hearts World describing the game this afternoon, and isn't it a shame the Hibs are doing so badly? My exhaustion is such that I might just go back to bed....again.

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Meet Charlie, George & Pete.....

I say........


They are three fungi's to be with.................

I'll get ma coat then........

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William Topaz McGonagall 'Edinburgh'

Edinburgh

Beautiful city of Edinburgh!

Where the tourist can drown his sorrow

By viewing your monuments and statues fine

During the lovely summer-time.

I'm sure it will his spirits cheer

As Sir Walter Scott's monument he draws near,

That stands in East Prince's Street

Amongst flowery gardens, fine and neat.

And Edinburgh Castle is magnificent to be seen

With its beautiful walks and trees so green,

Which seems like a fairy dell;

And near by its rocky basement is St Margaret's Well,

Where the tourist can drink at when he feels dry,

And view the castle from beneath so very high,

Which seems almost towering to the sky.

Then as for Nelson's monument that stands on Calton Hill,

As the tourist gazes thereon, with wonder his heart does fill

As he thinks on Admiral Nelson who did the Frenchmen kill,

Then, as for Salisbury Crags, they are most beautiful to be seen,

Especially in the month of June, when the grass is green;

There numerous mole-hills can be seen,

And the busy little creatures howking away,

Searching for worms among the clay;

And as the tourist's eye does wander to and fro

From the south side of Salisbury Crags below,

His bosom with admiration feels all aglow

As he views the beautiful scenery in the valley below;

And if, with an observant eye, the little loch beneath he scans,

He can see the wild ducks about and beautiful white swans.

Then, as for Arthur's Seat, I'm sure it is a treat

Most worthy to be seen, with its rugged rocks and pastures green,

And the sheep browsing on its sides

To and fro, with slow-paced strides,

And the little lambkins at play

During the livelong summer day,

Beautiful city of Edinburgh! the truth to express,

Your beauties are matchless I must confess,

And which no one dare gainsay,

But that you are the grandest city in Scotland at the present day!    

William Topaz McGonagall

How The Fight Started

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My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, 

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink 

as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My  Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on 

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, 

my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. 

 But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. 

Always something  more important to me. 

Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, 

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

I watched silently fora short time and then went into the house.. 

I was gone only a minute, 

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, 

you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a limp.

 ________________________________

My   wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I  said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

One   year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a   cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next   year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked  me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And   that's how the fight started.....  ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire   while we were in bed. I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look   at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And   that's when the fight started...  ________________________________ I  took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said,    "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah,  she can order for herself." And that's when the fight  started.....  ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted  for our  upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want  something shiny that goes  from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......  ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License   to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'  and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience   at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.  ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight  started........ .

Sky

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I am, as you know, keen on the sky! There are many reasons for this and watching gray Edinburgh skies for so long possibly ranks high amongst them. One thing for sure it is the late summer Edinburgh sky that I miss most from that city. Yesterday evening, resting from the strenuous efforts required while listening to the football on 'Sportsound,' I wandered around as the pretty girls, and one or two pretty boys, made their way to the drinking establishments to waste their cash and endeavour to increase the population. I found it strange that an activity that meant so much to me as a teenager did not move me much now. Instead I was fascinated with the mixture of coloured clouds drifting along on a south western breeze. As the sun went down the pinkish hues flavoured the otherwise gray clouds. The deep yellow sunshine joined in making the sky a  wondrous display. I suspect few bar myself would have noticed this. I like to think this is caused by my 'artistic nature,' although cynical folks of my acquaintance prefer to refer to me as a 'ponce' for reasons of their own.

  
This afternoon the sky was once again a mixture of cloud types. Mostly however, gray and dreich, which is a disappointment. You can tell how bright the sun was when shining through the gaps, and I notice outside the window, now that I am indoors, that the sun is shining brightly and the only clouds to be seen are big puffy white ones! Tonight will not be the night for skywards gazing. The darkening sky now speaks of the heavy rain the man on the BBC warned us about. Clean streets tomorrow I reckon! 

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Speak!

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Another unwanted spammer has arrived, and after the Chinese porn merchants spamming many old posts I have decided to add the 'Comment Moderation' module to keep them off. This does mean I will forget to check for comments, much in the same way I tend to forget....er,.... whatever it was. Anyway I just thought you ought to know. 

Calum Elliot has suffered much from the cretins amongst the Hearts support in recent days. His role as a hard worker who fails to score has earned him abuse which I never felt was deserved. The abuse ought to have been directed elsewhere, are you listening Mr Nade? Elliot required more support for his hard work, and a solid centre forward whom he could work off. Under Jim Jeffries he has been encouraged to be himself and we now see the result. A.goal last week against St Johnstone, and two, apparently excellent, goals today against Hamilton Academical's! Personally I have always liked him, and felt the abuse unwarranted. There again as every player knows is that fans react like women, emotionally, not through understanding of the situation. Women have an excuse, they are female in the main, but football fans have no excuse whatsoever. From the fans viewpoint if the club is not winning then it's all HIS fault! The 'HIS' could be a variety of people, players, manager, directors, rarely do the fans get this right. Sadly few of us really understand what is happening on the field of play, we only know so much, and the management and paying staff alone understand the truth. I off course NEVER abuse any player at any time - not counting Danny Ferguson's own goal v St Mirren that time in the sleet of course! I am glad Clum has shown his talent. This puts pressure on the new boys Kevin Kyle and Stephan Elliott (with two 'T's) and can be no bad thing. With young players coming through and some players beginning to find their form I do believe we may be on the beginning of the good times once again. Not their yet, a long way to go, but things are looking up!

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Seventieth Anniversary of "The Few!"

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It is 70 years to the day when Winston Churchill gave his famous speech in praise of 'The Few.' The airmen who fought the Luftwaffe and defeated them and thwarted the German plans for an invasion of the United Kingdom. And this was a time when the kingdom was indeed united. This island would have stood alone had the enemy arrived on these shores!  Many now laugh at how they would have face the well drilled German army with prune hooks and home made spears,  but an attempt would have been made had it been necessary! 


It was of course more than aircraft that thwarted the enemy. Hitler in fact had no desire or genuine plan to invade Britain, his eye was towards the Soviet Union. The sinking of the French Fleet by the Royal Navy, one of the hardest decisions Churchill had to take, took from the enemy the shipping required to cross the channel. The bombers, suffering heavy losses, some 50,000 by wars end, hindered any genuine plan for invasion. Churchill's speech did bring the nation together, and that in a war is more important then anything. This is the reason the popular press continue to talk of the war, constantly reminding people that they won a victory! Indeed they did, eventually, but the nation was left bankrupt and broken, and has suffered ever since because f this war. Germany has flourished and questions why the British refer to the war so often. I suppose that having been the losing side that is to be expected is it not?


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Thursday

I wandered around to the Labour Exchange feeling less guilty because of the small job I have obtained. John, the man wasting his life dealing with me, mentioned that I look so well because of this. In fact it was I had a second bath this month as well as my six month haircut that gave an improvement to the look. I suspect the dim lighting probably helped. What is it about women in offices? When not whining that they 'get paid less than the men' (as if!) they demand the best seats, the hating turned up, the best windows, and today they have blocked all the sunshine coming in the best windows because it is too bright! I read today another feminist lie that it will take 33 years until women 'at the top' (whatever that means) will be on equal pay to men. Bunkum! men will never be equal to these whining females. Our only hope is that this generation are ageing fast and will soon go, leaving behind the next, non feminist dominated generation. Hopefully they will be more grown up. However I doubt that even if they are they will moan less than wimmen do now!  It was indicated by some that women at the bottom are never mentioned by such 'chip on the shoulder' types. Could this be because they look down on them, or just don't care as long as they are doing fine I wonder? This does not of course indicate I have anything against wimmen, (the last time I had something against a women I got three months) they have their place, and their talents ought to be put to best use. As long as this does not interfere with the football or lead to whining and bitching about one another's earrings and dress sense!


Anyway, John, who rarely criticises the girls (he has been married a long time) gave me three more jobs to fail to get, and then through me out. I suddenly realised just how long I have been going there. Being over 55, indeed 45, without specific 'skills' as they say is not good today. 'Work until you are 70' is the latest idea, but only helpful if you have a job. The knee trouble is not bad enough to be solely responsible for this. Two short, okay, very short, days work shows this. I fear it is the lack of the skills required and being dumb that limit. Anyway, I keep getting letters from Multi Millionaire David Cameron and his lapdog Nick Clegg telling me to get out there and get a job! Join the 'Big Society,' "As long as you don't cost us anything," that is! Not that I am cynical, but the Con-Dem alliance does not have a clue what it is doing does it? Something George Osborne is reported to have said made me wonder if he is aware of the damage that will occur next year. Could it be he understands, and Yogi & Boo Boo have not, the mess that is just around the corner. The tax dodgers, especially the bigger companies, will still get away with their dodging, the benefit claimants will still increase in number and suffer abuse as scroungers, and the rich Tories will talk about 'fairness' and destroy the nation, blaming Labour, and do well themselves. It's Margaret Thatcher all over again, but this time without the intellect!


I take solace in small things, such as meeting a checkout lass with a sense of humour this morning, long before you lot were up, and discovering some meat hidden away at the back of the freezer. I wonder if those mushrooms were meant to be growing on it or have fallen out of something else....? I take much solace this afternoon in Classic FM and the gentle bassoon music at this moment gently drifting though my ears. Until I was twenty years of age, only a short time ago as it happens, I had no time for such stuff. My mind was fixed on Blues, and rock, pop music of the day, although I did listen to other stuff including Glen Miller, however I normally listened to any pirate radio ship that had not been impounded or Radio 1, and when did you or anyone you know last do that I wonder? However one day I played some of the stuff my brother had lying around.gathering dust. The 'Morning' sequence from Peer Gynt caught my attention as one of the most wonderful things I had ever heard! Listen hear, I mean here, and see, er.. hear for yourself!  I was hooked, and I owe all this to Edvard Greig, who I think once played for Rangers, but I may be wrong there. Since then I have listened to all sorts of 'classical' music, and even opera, and that in spite of the screeching wimmen that all too often spoil the music. 'Classic FM' at first received much derision from the snobbish element of the music world. They claimed it was only playing 'the best bits,' which says something about the rest of the music doesn't it! However it tapped into a great audience that I, and probably you, knew was there. Most folks had enjoyed classic music excerpts in films and on TV, usually in adverts, but it was not the 'done thing' to actually go out and buy classical music. Yet the audience was there. I think it was Piccadilly Radio in Manchester that had a late night Saturday programme of classical music that had become the most popular on the station. Classic FM enabled people to enjoy, I almost said 'actually enjoy' classical music without the snobbishness and pretence that goes along with it all to often. Such music was not seen to be for the 'working classes' but for those of a 'higher frame of mind.' What bunk! What a sham such attitudes reveal. There is indeed more to be gained from listening to Beethoven's Pastoral Symphony, No6 (a favourite) than from Susan Maughan singing Bobbies Girl, but both are just music, sounds that please the ear or not as the case may be, pretentiousness works both ways you know! I do hope you take the time to improve your lives by listening to these links. (I don't mean listen to the link itself I mean listen to the music at the other....oh never mind). Anyway these days I listen to a lot of classical music from one source or another, not the loud raucous stuff so much, more the tinkling type that quietly fills the background and upsets the Radio 3 snob. Indeed one famous singer complained that Morse, of 'Inspector Morse' fame, (the TV detective who had my mother afraid to go to Oxford, because she said, "There is a murder there every week!") this singer complained that Morse never really 'listened' to the music that was constantly playing in the background! Morse was of course attempting to solve murders, quite why he needed to 'listen' so intently I cannot fathom. I am reminded of the two men interviewed on Radio 3 one day long ago. One was a music critic and the other some sort of musician. At the end the interviewer asked them what music they listened to at home for relaxation. The musician spoke of a wide variety of different kinds of music but the music critic did not listen to any music at home whatsoever. He claimed he could not listen to it as he would just 'criticise it.' In short this man's world was music and he could not enjoy it! What a sad man I thought. However since then I have made no attempt to 'understand' music, I just like what I like and dislike what I don't like. Yes the Eurovison Song Contest just passed through my mind also there.


Ah well, that has finished my working day for me. Tomorrow, after finishing the housework and visiting the soup kitchen, I will make another effort to find a way to riches and contentment. Hmmm riches are easier to obtain, and I know that they do not bring contentment, but I would like to be miserable in comfort after all.

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