Monday, 23 August 2010

How The Fight Started



My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, 
and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink 
as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know  him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we
split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My  Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on 
celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, 
my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. 
 But, somehow I always had something else to take
care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. 
Always something  more important to me. 
Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.
When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, 
busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 
I watched silently fora short time and then went into the house.. 
I was gone only a minute, 
and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  
I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, 
you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a limp.
My   wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.
She asked, "What's on TV?"
I  said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

One   year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a  
cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next   year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked  me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And   that's how the fight started.....
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire 
 while we were in bed.
I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look   at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And   that's when the fight started...
I  took my wife to a restaurant.
The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please."
He said,    "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?"
"Nah,  she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight  started.....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted
 for our  upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want  something shiny that goes 
from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds."

I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office 
to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License 
 to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home.
I told the woman that I was very sorry, 
but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'.
So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' 
and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience 
 at the Social Security office...
She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. 
You might have gotten disability, too.'
And then the fight started.
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror.
She was not happy with what she saw and said to me,
"I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly.
I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight  started........



Mike Smith said...

Well I laughed...

Relax Max said...

Not too bad. :)

Martyn said...

Brilliant, thanks for the laugh. I liked the last one best.

Adullamite said...

I laughed also! :)