AAAAAARRRGGHHH!!!!!!!

The morning began in the usual manner.  I sat here at the laptop, switched it on, waited an eon or two while it wormed up and once all was ready I moved my hand over it and accidentally switched the blessed thing off again!  Hmmm this does not look good thought I.
So I decide to take a bath even though Sunday is several days away.  This means twisted the dial on the boiler, pushing the switch and standing back until several little red lights light up one after the other.  I waited, I waited and I waited!  After two had ignited I turned on the tap, rather too early.  No other lights lit up.  I turned of the tap while the tepid water slunk along the bottom off the bath, hmm that needs a clean too.  Eventually the spluttering boiler offered hot water and I was somewhat satisfied.
I returned from the ablutions and switched on the laptop.  The screen went black, light black, then switched off again.  I thought I had touched the button twice and began again.  I again came face to face with a black screen then a light coloured screen and then a small box informing me something had not connected (what did it say?).  I switched off.  I switched on, black screen, light purplish screen for ages and ages, then nothing.  I switched off and dumped it.
For the past few weeks the thing has been overheating.  Strange things have been happening now an again and I suspect the poor thing has been overworked for the past two years.  It is no longer able to cope with the excessive workload.  Sadly I considered a new one that works.  

I switched on again, it worked, it offered me a 'safe screen' but I began normally and it has worked since, but it is somewhat hot still.  So I decided a new one must be obtained.  I searched the Argos catalogue, gulping at the prices and failing to understand what half the words meant, then made a sort off decision.  I checked the alternative shopping places, not many here, and plumped for the best laptop the emergency fund would allow.
After much humming and hawing I got it out of the box.
I kept the old machine running as I was listening to a radio programme there, and began the operation of opening up the brute.  naturally all the plug sockets were taken up, covered in dust and in the most unreachable places.  Coughing and spluttering I sought an extension cable and got the brute to switch on.  I was then led through the many pages taking me into Microsoft's world. Coloured screens with messages telling me things are OK but I want a message that tells me what is really going on.  I want to see the workings.  There were forms to fill, decisions to take, and then I entered my email and passed on to a screen where I entered the code sent to me.   Easy eh?  No, I had to enter a code that I could only get from my Googlemail account. However I had not got into the blessed thing so I could not get into anything to retrieve the code!  Luckily the other machine was still blethering away, and I was missing the programme as my teeth were grinding together loudly and drowning out the sound, but via the other still working machine I got the code and got in, eventually.  For about an hour the screen changed colour while I ate the carpet and a message informed me that they were working, installing APPS (what?) and eventually as my carpet became a rug I was confronted with a 'Start' screen.
WHAT?
What on earth is that?
Windows 8 that's what!
What a shambolic mess appears before me.  What am I to do with this?
Where is Google, how do I get links?  What? Where? Why? and can I borrow a geek please as my fingers require a throat to surround!
Bring back XP I say!  It was simple, clear and not filled with needless childish geek muck!

On top of this my dinner was rubbish!

Bah!  Good job I'm not one to complain.

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