Lidl

Early (for me) this morning I decided to march to the edge of the known world and visit the new Lidl supermarket. Having turned into an old grannie I thought I must test all new shops when they open. Naturally when I got there the trouble started. This Germanic enterprise does not allow the use of baskets! Now this is a problem for me as I always shop using a basket rather than a trolley. The basket is easy to manage if you pack the goods correctly, enabled me to pass the women parking their trolleys all over the shop rather than in a sensible position, is quicker to manoeuvre and can be put down appropriately stopping said women from knocking me over. It also allows me to use the 'Basket only' checkout as I with said basket am quicker at packing than said women with said trolleys (usually!). However Lidl in their Teutonic wisdom have done away with such sensible options and forced me to use a trolley. The helpful staff member (this store turned down my job application by the way!) apologetically informed me that there were two sizes of trolley and indicated their whereabouts. However I discovered that the Krauts did not trust the people of this town and it cost £1 to remove the trolley from the chained link! Naturally I had no coins in my pocket! No baskets and costing £1 to use a trolley? I think these folk must be off theirs! I was off too, the long way off to Sainsburys who have a more sensible approach to shopping. I may never know if Lidl are in fact cheaper than others as they say!

Life was easier in English run Sainsburys. I stress 'English' as this store refused to cross the border until the late eighties when greed made them expand north. Maybe the three Scots banks issuing their own notes confused them?  So grabbing one of those plastic baskets, much better than Tesco's by the way, I worked my way through my list shopping only for the cheap 'Basic' range goods wherever possible.  Avoiding most of the female customers who appear to think that if you drive a trolley straight at someone they will do the gentlemanly thing and move (how wrong they were) and grabbing my wants, avoiding the retired men accompanying their wives and gossiping in the middle of the pathways oblivious to everyone else,  and attempting to keep a calculation in my head I made for the door. Naturally when I took my heavy basket (those '2 for £3' offers are good aren't they?) to the checkout I noticed only three were open and seven stood empty! A quick calculation showed the far away one had only two people there, one going through and an old couple,with three items next in line. The long queues at the others to be avoided I headed there. An eon later the old biddy had packed the twelve items, paid, slowly oh so slowly, her bill, took another month to shut her purse and move. As the old couple hobbled forward I glanced at the now deserted checkouts further down. A millennium later the three objects, those that had not melted, had been packed and paid for and I was allowed to go home and have the shave I did not require when I set out!

It is not yet eleven O'clock and the day lies ahead. I can tell it will be another full of joy and happiness. Oh good! The postman has just brought some white, official envelopes. I can't wait to open them......