Saturday Night

Saturday night and nothing to say. However these are worth a smile.

When I die, I want to die like my grandfather-who died peacefully in his sleep. Not screaming like all the passengers in his car.”

-Author Unknown

Advice for the day: If you have a lot of tension and you get a headache, do what it says on the aspirin bottle: “Take two aspirin” and “Keep away from children.”

-Author Unknown

“If a woman has to choose between catching a fly ball and saving an infant’s life, she will choose to save the infant’s life without even considering if there is a man on base.”

-Dave Barry

“My Mom said she learned how to swim when someone took her out in the lake and threw her off the boat. I said, ‘Mom, they weren’t trying to teach you how to swim.’”

-Paula Poundstone

“A study in the Washington Post says that women have better verbal skills than men. I just want to say to the authors of that study: “Duh.”

-Conan O’Brien

“Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant?? I’m halfway through my fish burger and I realize, Oh my God…. I could be eating a slow learner.”

-Lynda Montgomery

“If life were fair, Elvis would be alive and all the impersonators would be dead.”

-Johnny Carson

“Sometimes I think war is God’s way of teaching us geography.”

-Paul Rodriguez

“Suppose you were an idiot. And suppose you were a member of Parliament.. But I repeat myself.”

-Mark Twain

“Our bombs are smarter than the average high school student. At least they can find Afghanistan.”

-A. Whitney Brown

Do you know why they call it “PMS”? Because “Mad Cow Disease” was taken.

-Unknown, presumed deceased