A Scottish prayer -
"Oh Lord, we do not ask you to give us wealth.
But show us where it is!"
A visitor to an Aberdeen bar was surprised to find the beer only two pence a pint.
The barman explained that it was the price to mark the centenary of the pub opening.
The visitor noticed, however, that the bar was empty.
"Are the regular customers not enjoying the special prices?"
The barman replied "They're waiting for the Happy Hour"
It is rumoured that the entire population of Aberdeen took
to the streets with an empty glass in their hands when the
weather forecaster said there would be a nip in the air.
You should be careful about stereotyping the Scots as mean.
There was a recent letter to a newspaper from an Aberdonian which said
"If you print any more jokes about mean Scotsmen I shall stop borrowing your paper."
Angus called in to see his friend Alan to find he was stripping the wallpaper from the walls.
Rather obviously, he remarked "You're decorating, I see."
to which Alan replied "No, I'm moving house."
"Alan suggested a candlelit dinner last night" Sarah reported to her friend the next day.
"That was dead romantic" said her friend.
"Not really. It just saved him having to fix the fuse."
The Scots have an infallible cure for sea-sickness.
They lean over the side of the ship with a ten pence coin in their teeth."
"In some Scottish restaurants they heat the knives so you can't use too much butter."
McTavish broke the habit of a lifetime and bought two tickets for a raffle.
One of his tickets won a £1,000 prize.
He was asked how he felt about his big win.
"Disappointed" said McTavish. "My other ticket didn't win anything"
Have you heard the rumour that the Grand Canyon was started by a Scotsman who lost a coin in a ditch?
After discovering that they had won £15 million in the Lottery, Mr and Mrs McFlannel sat down to discuss their future.
Mrs McFlannel announced "After twenty years of washing other people's stairs, I can throw my old scrubbing brush away at last."
Her husband agreed - "Of course you can, hen. We can easily afford to buy you a new one now."
As a Christmas present one year, the Laird gave his gamekeeper, MacPhail, a deerstalker hat with ear-flaps. MacPhail was most appreciative and always wore it with the flaps tied under his chin to keep his ears warm in the winter winds.
One cold, windy day the Laird noticed he was not wearing the hat.
"Where's the hat?" asked the Laird.
"I've given up wearing it since the accident," replied MacPhail.
"Accident? I didn't know you'd had an accident."
"Yes. A man offered me a nip of whisky and I had the earflaps down and never heard him."
When a bus company was prevailed upon to increase the concessionary fare to frequent travellers so that they got six journeys instead of four for a pound.
One elderly gentleman, renowned for his frugality, even in a town where frugal folk are common, was still unhappy.
"It's all damn foolishness," he declared.
"Now we've got to walk to town six times instead of four to save a pound!"
Did you hear about the Aberdonian who got caught making nuisance telephone calls?
He kept reversing the charges.
A Scotsman, an EngIishman and an Australian were in a bar and had just started on a new round of drinks when a fly landed in each glass of beer.
The Englishman took his out on the blade of his Swiss Army knife.
The Australian blew his away in a cloud of froth.
The Scotsman lifted his one up carefully by the wings and held it above his glass.
"Go on, spit it oot, ye wee devil" he growled.
MacDonald was awarded £15,000 for injuries received after a traffic accident and his wife got 2,000 pounds.
A friend asked how badly injured his wife had been in the accident.
MacDonald replied "Och, she wasn't injured but I had the presence of mind to kick her in the leg before the polis arrived."
There was understandable scepticism when it was suggested that Napoleon Bonaparte was the grandson of a Scot from Balloch. But now it has been pointed out that there is further proof that Napoleon was indeed Scots - his hand was always under his lapel, to make sure no-one had lifted his wallet...