Monday, 4 October 2010



Why is it that every time a sporting event begins the opening ceremony is described as 'spectacular?'  Such events are required of course, speeches with all the right platitudes, dancing children, examples of the home nations culture, and so on. However I question why they are always called 'spectacular' when a better word to describe them might be 'dire?' I tend to avoid such 'spectacular' overblown events as they turn out to be irrelevant to the actual events that follow, are all to often meaningless, and in some cases, yes I mean the French at the opening of the World Cup finals, so 'arty' that not even the home nation understand them..
Dancing children do have fun and are left with a cherished memory, however an overpaid Diana Ross ruining the USA's 94 World Cup opening is just left with cash and a publicity stunt. I reckon there must be a better way to open such events, or at least if not better, maybe shorter!

So I bought the ticket for the Lottery. Never mind failing to provide the correct numbers for the £82 million on Friday evening I still dreamt my dreams of being out of debt via the Saturday draw. Success indeed! The numbers were similar, riches beyond my dreams awaited me. Life could begin anew! I raced up to Mr Patel in the newsagent. Smugly I passed over the ticket.
"Four and a half million please," I said in a calm self controlled manner, adding that there was a fiver in it for him.
"Oh good," said Mr Patel smiling that smile he keeps for the deranged. He fiddled with the machine, sniggered, printed off two tickets and handed them over to me, along with £2.
"What's this?" I said somewhat stunned.
"Your winnings," he grinned.
"Two pounds?"
"No, you won £10." Mr Patel stood then smiling. To his side his wife attempted to hide her giggling.
"Excuse me for asking," I ventured, "But two is not ten. And these tickets.....?"
"Ah but it is," said Mr Patel in that voice doctors keep for mental patients. "You won ten pounds yes?"
"I take five, as you promised me, from your winnings, that leaves five for you!" He stood then grinning that self satisfied grin, the one that deserves a good slap.
"But, but, I...didn't mean a fiver from ten pounds. I meant from the four and a half million that you have not given me!"
"Ah but you didn't make that clear did you?" He turned to his wife who nodded agreement and sniggered again. He looked to his side where his brother in law agreed heartily with his exposition.
"Yes but.....and anyway why only two pounds?" I stuttered.
Well, as you have won you will be tempted to a ticket for the Wednesday night draw won't you?" he waited.
"er, well, er...yeah!"
"And then," he added without sympathy, "you will wish to have a chance for the Friday £112 million draw won't you?"
"er, ..yeah, well, maybe....I...I"
"So that leaves you two pounds doesn't it?"
As he said this Mr Patel and brother in law helped me from the shop and I stood there, rain dripping of my glasses, two lottery tickets in my hand, wondering, just wondering........

Tonight's 'Edinburgh Evening News' gives us the sad news that Johns Hughes has left Hibernian by 'Mutual Consent.' In short he has been paid off. This is indeed sad news as his Hibernian side had been woeful, and that, I am sure you will agree, is marvellous to behold!  The team who claim to be the home of 'Flair Football' (@Hibernian have been left lying on the 'flair' week after week. This was of course good to see! Now however Rod Petrie the chairman has dug into his piggy bank and scraped together enough cash to remove the 'worst manager in Hibernian's history' since the last one, and the one before that, and the one before that..... ad infinitum. I await with baited breath the next numpty to take the 'hot seat' at Easter Road. Whoever it is the Heart of Midlothian remain Edinburgh's 'Big Team,' and the Hibbys remain the 'Wee Team.'  



soubriquet said...

That's just so phenomenally unfair.
Not Mr Patel, no, he's showing the famed wisdom of the Patels, No, it's unfair because I DIDN'T WIN ANYTHING!

That £112 million will be MINE, I tell you... Well, if I get around to buying a ticket.

Did you know that Patels settled in Yorkshire over a thousand years ago? How else would you explain us having a town called Pateley Bridge?

red dirt girl said...

and you actually put your trust in such an obvious sales pitch from your local shopkeeper ????? and while you boys are tossing figures around, please keep a poor red dirt muley girl in mind when sharing the wealth. i can easily be classified as a non-profit organization for all your tax shelter needs! xxx

Unknown said...

Alas, my dear Adullamite, you should have paid more attention when you were being taught "new math" in school. Now, in all fairness, I have never really understood what "new math" was, but since I have never had much money to count, I suppose I have never had a reason to.

red dirt girl said...

by the way, my Monday sucked which sort of led into a depressive few

Adullamite said...

S, The money is mine I tell thee!

RDG, I am a trusting person, or eejit, as they call me.

Fishy, New maths? I never managed the old.

RDG, I hope all is well now, you look great!