Driving Test

Lying stretched out on the settee behind me lies Michael, my guardian angel. He has just gone through most of a bottle of Sainsburys cheapest 'French Brandy' and is now gurgling, head in hands and muttering "All over, it's all over." This in between kneeling, head on floor Islam like, and offering prayers in strange languages. Possibly the sun has got to him, possibly just my driving, whatever I understand he is off to Turkey for a holiday in Collossae now. I pointed out to him that nothing there remains except a dirty big hill, as yet untouched by the archaeologists spade. "I know," he muttered, leering somewhat, "I know!" He then went back to the bottle spluttering somewhat about emptiness and "space to breathe again."

Now as you know I took a driving test this lunch time, and during this the aim is to drive in a confident and competent manner. There is a drive along a varied route, including at least two manoeuvres. The scoring system is simple, if you have what they call a 'serious' you fail, end of story. I managed two of these last time! However you are allowed fifteen (15) 'minor' faults and if you manage sixteen (16) of those you fail. 'Minors' are not faults that could lead to disaster but a lot of them do indicate a problem.

Today, in spite of the instructor leaping out at the roundabout on the by-pass, I managed to accumulate fifteen 'minors' but no 'serious' faults. This means I have passed the driving test, although he did say, "It wasn't a good drive!" But he managed not to spit as he said this and gave me a pass. He also 'suggested' I should do the 'Pass Plus' with a somewhat desperate air I thought. However I forgot to tell him this was a bloody sight better drive than the one I practised during the hour beforehand! I would not have passed with that one.....

Or indeed the one from the week before when during the 'bay parking' attempt I had made a right hash of it then sat back and watched a woman attempt the same lesson. She parked perfectly first time! The bitch! Not only that but she was blonde! The bitch! Wimmen are such spiteful beasts!

Now all I have to do is fill in paperwork, obtain photo, and get new licence. I suspect this will cost more money.

The instructor is desperate for me to buy his dads car, cheap and a runner, but I canny afford a bus fare now and need a sudden influx of cash, 'scuse me while I consult Michael, hold on he has vanished! And the bottle is full again, strange that. Anyway, now I must get work. I will make a new advert,

"Idiot (with licence (just) ) seeks (easy) work"

That should do.

Now I am off to bed until Thursday.....