Ten Years Ago

10 years ago
I was in a similar position to that which faces me today. Unemployed, concerned about the knee, too few job opportunities, and no skills to offer bar humping things about. Some things don't change. Some things were different however. Christine had around this time given me money to buy a bike. This enabled me to waddle outside of town and gave me a new lease of life. I discovered the old railway to Rayne and started often to wander up that way, and it is up by the way! At the far end I would come round via Pods Lane and stop off at the farm gate half way down to stare over the fields towards the west and wonder what am I doing, and what is God going to do? I got no answer. But I was sort of healthy anyway.
Spiritually I filled the time by holding back from God as always. Wondering why I could not just let him in. I tried the Baptist church on evening and made a fool of myself in conversing with the pastor. I never went back. The message had said give yourself to God and I just sat there... I visited the local school, now demolished although that was nothing to do with us 'bringing the house down,' where a breakaway church met. They were having a children's day, this was unfortunate and the last time I went there. Not sure if they existed long after that. I think I tried the Elim also at that time. But nowhere left me feeling wanted.
However I at least had a sofa, from Argos, although the delivery man was not keen to bring it up stairs. One helped the other grumpily dumped the mattress on the level. It has to be said it was, and is, heavy. I think this was also the year I obtained my first, much wanted, Personal Computer! I bought this from a company that soon went bust, I had to return it once, but they made a pigs ear of it, and later I was to suffer the blue screen of death, a few days after they disappeared from view. However, now I can't live without a PC! How did we manage before they were produced? Ten years ago I knew little about the goings on at Tynecastle. Info was limited to what little English television allowed, and the occasional reference or Radio 5 or the world service. How times change! Now, because of the internet and the web in general I am well informed and up to date with the action. I also see the games via the PC! Then I was 46, almost healthy, just running out of money, hence Christine's loan, although she charged 25% interest! I was far too strict in many ways, had not discovered how to be human, was too much living in 'law.' Soon that was to be knocked out of me.
5 years ago
I was unemployed! I had just walked out of Rosetti after the treatment I received there. I was 'in between jobs' as they say. The landlord installed central heating to all our delights, although the cowboy filled my room with brick dust, failed to install the other flats heating satisfactorily, and was generally a pest. However, Nina left at this time. I was broken hearted, my life had come to an end! She had found another, and was off to France. I had put everything into her, although God had not wanted this, and I had given myself over to her. She had not done the same to me. We knew it would end, and it could not work. But she is the only woman I have proposed to. She changed my attitudes. I lost the primness, and loosened up. I also thought I had lost God for good (again). Life was hard, afraid God had gone, Nina had gone, and money nonexistent. Was this the time I dried driving, and failed? It was sometime in the past I can't remember when. Christine my sister was sick around this time. She was to die in 2005. How I miss her, and even her grumbling! Not a good time.
1 year ago
I was about to leave work. I had been forced to give up the enjoyable, but tiring, Postman's job. I had been happy there, but was frequently suffering anger problems. My knees hurt, I was afflicted by something. laziness perhaps, or just tired of work, and was wasting money. I liked the folks, well, most of them, and was accepted by most, sort off. Since then no work has been forthcoming. My knees have limited the work I can do, the doctor informing me arthritis set in. However Jesus in his mercy has sent his Spirit to call me by this time. One worry disappeared. As time went by I realised more and more of his love by reading the Old Testament. I want him!
1month ago
I was unemployed. Stupidity, know nothingness, and lack of skill has been a problem. But while ten years ago I wanted to work, now I am happy not to. is this laziness, age, or the overweight and reaction to the last job? The thought of the same type of routine, while that's the way it is, is not heartwarming. I am still not physically happy. Far too many bugs and virus have affected me this past year. I don't want a temp job s the ones on offer are to physical, and no one will give me a sit down job as I'm dumb. I must work soon, not just for money, it is OK to take the dole when you need it, but this week I feel a bit healthier and need to get back to work like everyone else. But I am not cheered by the prospect of more dire work.
1 week ago
I can't remember. My memory fails me all to often these days, and I suspect that all I would have done is copy today. Visit the market, fail to win the lottery, and bed early as there was nothing else to do. I also get tired by nine, and rise around 5.30!
1 day ago
I am closer to God this week. I am looking for answers and listening for his response. This is what I live for! But indoors, when all goes well I believe. What do I do when real life interrupts? Why this! Yesterday I spoke to myself of Gods love and was soon was tested by being scared by an opponent. It has taken 24 hours to find an answer. And that is one that is difficult to put into practise. Loving others they way Jesus did this is far from easy! But I will.
1 hour ago
I was writing this!

Prayer

Prayer changes things. Spending time talking to the living God has an effect on my life. I sometimes wonder why I don't do it more often. I suppose one reason is that I might be expected to get up and change something myself. Indeed, I might have to change myself! Dearie me, I don't mind indicating to others how they must change, I'm not so keen on it myself mind!

I sat down to offer up feeble prayers a few minutes ago, and into my mind came an event from over twenty five years ago. A small group meeting and one or two things were said to me that night. So I pondered on this, and wondered how I had messed up so badly after all he has said and done for me. Well, I know why. I would not let myself go and trust him. Yet here he is once again standing by me. Psalm 136 repeats 'His love endures forever.' I just realised that he has had to 'endure' with his love, he has not enjoyed it. Yet I remain self serving and still withhold myself. If I was someone else I would condemn me so much.

Come Jesus, help me let go of my miserable self, and find life!

The Sun is Shining

This can only mean one thing, it's going to rain! I can tell, although in this country that is not hard! Still, it is better here than up in the highlands and Islands I suppose. When signing on yesterday (Still signing on after all this time!) the lass told me of her holiday in Fort William, it rained daily! She, being of Spanish derivation, was somewhat surprised! Well she knows now I suppose. But in spite of the sunshine I note the trees are swaying like billy-oh. Blue sky and puffy clouds will soon be replaced by howling gales and dirty big gray clouds. You can tell it's July.

However, I am supposed to be out there indulging in my walk exercising today also. Exercising? Yep, this is the latest idea to get fit by the end of next week. Oh yes I will! maybe. Anyway, I must go out and walk several times a day, in an attempt to increase stamina and get fit for any job that may turn up. As if! Still, a walk, then some effort with the heavy weights - well, maybe some stretches then, and we will be on the way.

But if you have a brain jobs are available. Blackberry Juniper decided to get a job and walked into one straight away. How come? She has a brain! That is where I fall down! Had I decided to have a brain like hers I would be up there among the high heid ones these days. Instead I find myself lingering here on the ground floor among the beasties. She of course is to bright for her job. But is content to earn cash to stay alive. One day she will be happy enough to have a picture of her happy smiling face seen on these boards - if she sends me the picture of course. But for now, while I flog myself to death her on this keyboard, she sits moping at work, clock watching and nail filing, like thousands of other lassies, while the men do all the work. She ought to do her nails as it is Friday, ad I expect her man wants to take her out, wine and dine her, show her the town, and ensure her troubles are left behind.

While they enjoy the Friday evening pleasures, I will be curled up with P.G.Wodehouse and 'Wodehouse on Wodehouse.' Good job I'm not one to complain.

Radio

I have discovered one of the joys of the Internet, the 'Listen Again' feature of BBC Radio. Not only do we find old comedies, like 'Hancock' and the 'Goons' on 'Radio 7,' but the same feature on 'Radio 4' is very useful also. The programmes only last for a week or so usually, but I have spent an inordinate amount of time listening today for enjoyable stuff. Much better than having to ensure you set the timer on the recorder, oh yes, I believe in cassettes myself, but programmes I would not listen out for I can pick and choose. Great stuff I say. Late at night when sitting here pretending I can spell I listen into say, 'Late Junction' on 'Radio 3.' Their strange collection of sounds fit well at night or when a relaxing background is needed - well usually! They do have some, er, 'eclectic' noises also.

Web Radio is a great idea. I find I listen into CHRI from Ottawa quite often, and that is a good station I must say. It is interesting to hear the news from another country's point of view. There is a world out there worth shoving our nose into. Of course it helps if they speak an understandable language, like English or Scots, and it is even more helpful if the link works. Some fail, and some are difficult to find on their web pages.

In days of yore I used to spend a lot of time listening to short wave radio from Eastern Europe. Once communism fell I also fell, out of the habit of tuning in. Most of the stations underwent a tremendous change of course, as did the news they reported. I always thought The East German radio from Berlin was worth a listen, as was the couple from Bulgaria (or was it Romania?) who attempted a routine similar to that seen on countless mediocre TV and Radio stations in the west. One would read one line, always scripted, and in a staccato, manner the other would respond. It was all so badly done, and they tried their best, mind you, if they were in Romania they would have to try their best, or else! their stations may still broadcast in English, but I wonder if they have improved their technique?
One day I will seek if they are available online in English.

Essex Weather

When I arrived here just a touch past eleven years ago, I discovered that I had come to the 'driest county in England.' I rejoiced! Naturally enough it has rained a lot ever since! This year, while we have had some good days, and I have really enjoyed the Spring flowers and such like, the weather has been kind of dreich. Today the clouds hang overhead, gray and sullen, they don't seem to keen to move, and are not keeping the temperature as high as it should be. I listened this morning to a science type informing me that it was definitely man's fault that global warming had occurred. We could not blame the suns temperature changing, as it does from time to time, but we were at fault and no-one else. So why I thought, if it's called 'Global Warming' did I need to put the heating on first thing today? Anyway, not long after midday and the sun is not out, and neither am I! It looks like it will stay this way. Anyway, why is it always man's fault and not women's? Sexist!

On Being an Idiot

Some people find it hard to be an idiot. They strive to achieve such a level and feel emotionally drained at being nothing more than a success. I understand how they feel. I have discovered that being an idiot is not just a talent one is born with, one has to practice this also. I can assure my reading public, if you exist, that this practice is something I have become good at.

My idiot exercises take place from the moment I rise and find myself standing at the wrong side of the bed, it usually takes a few moments before realising the window is not the door. Exercise continues with loading up a owl of cereal and pouring milk all over it, and not realising until too late the milk went off yesterday. The lumps at it landed ought to have made this clear, but the real idiot will not be looking as he pours anyway. Before he leaves for work, if he manages to obtain and keep employment one must ask if the idiocy is actually fully attuned, the idiot will manage to lose at least one shoe, leave the gas on, and at the very least, forget to lock the door. Failure to do one of these actions would ensure you fail the idiot exam. However, I prefer to avoid those particular actions and specialise in practising leaving without my keys thus forcing me to stand outside for a considerable time, often in the rain, until rescue arrives.
This is a star idiot action!

However, now we must conclude for today as I have forgotten the rest of my teaching. So please continue chatting amongst yourselves while no-one is listening to you, missing buses, tripping over your feet when greeting important people and walking out of shops genuinely forgetting to pay.

Writing

I have been trying my hand at this writing lark. How difficult is that? I have some great ideas for features, and begin the process and almost immediately come to a halt. The blank screen stares back at me until the thing goes black. Then I begin again, finish a sentence, switch off and go away.
When I restart I note the sentence is poor and we are back to the blank screen. Reading through 'Wodehouse on Wodehouse' a collection of autobiographies we see him at the top of the tree coming across the same problem. Mind you, he managed to get out of it and become a roaring success most times. I have not reached the stage of 'mere failure' as yet.

Sitting in the Gardens the other day I decided to attempt a feature on them. I think I was inspired by the quietness among dappled pathways, gentle breezes ruffling the leaves around me, all made alive by the sound of bird song. Lovely stuff really. Enjoyable even when the weather is not too hot, but incomparable when the sun shines. I like to go early, before mum brings the kids to run around screaming blue murder, and the adolescents pass through on their way to pretend their studying at the college. In truth, these days I would be very happy with a garden full of trees and bushes, a few hidden paths, lots of colour and bird, a squirrel or two, and a chance to sit watching the sun go down while feeding the feathered ones. Sounds good to me.

Oh well. I had better just water the window box instead......
I would write about that but could you stomach it I ask?

Happy Birthday

Happy Birthday. What does this mean to you?
Today it means nothing to be frank. I find myself no 56 years of age. 56 years, what have I done with this time? Nothing. What can I find in all that time worth keeping or talking about? Little. There have been good moments, and good people. Good family and good friends. But what have I actually done? What accomplishment can I take to the grave? Nothing! No woman ever wanted to keep this useless bundle of fat. There was only ever one I really wanted to keep anyway, and she left. I am useless at handyman jobs, and find I have been incompetent at most jobs I have worked at. I don't drive, do not understand how to make money, know nothing useful in the complex society in which I dwell. I don't even drive, and am not sure I want to. I have used and abused friends all my life. I treat folks badly. I am loud and obnoxious in most folks view, weak and stupid in my own. Working with folks I find I rub them up the wrong way, either with my 'humour and wit' or annoyance at their lack of desire to share the workload and play fair. Often the fallout comes just because I am a worm. I find myself complaining and girning at most aspects of the world today. The television leaves me struggling to find a programme worth watching, and even then I find too many faults. I am out of step with the worlds ways (just what is a 'blackberry anyway?), and find the fashion of the day worthless in nearly every aspect.

So what is worth it about this life then? I would say God, except I fail even with him. He has called me to come to him for thirty years and still I draw back. I get up to the cross and try to go over, but know I hang back. Why? He has done wonders for me. My broken leg should have hurt, I felt nothing, he has always provided and always cared. Prayer has been answered and the greatest moments of my life have been touching him. Yet I don't love him as others do. Do I love him, or just like him when I feel the need. So much of my life is based on me. Yet there is nothing but Jesus, I know that. Here I am, fifty six, a useless lump, even God cannot get me working properly. Oh yes I forgot, I have no job, and little prospect of one. The band leg doesn't help. if it wasn't for that I would still have one. I notice only two cards have flooded through the door. There may be another one in the post, maybe. Even the family forget, who can blame them. I do nothing for them. Fifty six today. I've never been so happy! I have wasted my life, and now head for old age with little chance, or ability to do anything about it.

I was quite happy before I started to write this................

Muslim Terror

Gas bombs and nails found in London, Cherokee Jeep driven into the terminal building at Glasgow Airport, and our after hour coverage on Sky News. How do we react? Many in the UK are shouting for blood! "If they don't like our way of life, get out of the country." is the cry. Normally easy going types are beginning to edge towards the same attitude. The problem of polarisation is of course a very real danger, a danger fuelled by the racist types, the BNP and the like. How much easier life is when we know our enemy, how much simpler when, instead of careful thought, we just react and lash out. That makes us feel better but rarely causes the problems to end. Reports are already coming in, but none widely published, about attacks on Asian shops. I wonder how many non Muslim Asians will be confronted at this time? It is interesting that so many folk have been arrested so quickly. Clearly many indications of the likely source of problems was available, and information collected in the past few days must have helped. One can only hope the right people are found, and dealt with properly.

What is the answer? A change of middle East policy, certainly. A change of immigration/deportation policy? Indeed it must be wrong that those who advocate hatred towards the country in which they have sought refuge are allowed to stay. Especially when they remain here because of threats to their person back home. A change of policy, based on personal responsibility, is a must!

Muslims do share a 'fellow feeling' towards other Muslims, and I understand that. How many actually support this type of outrage? The minority perhaps. But how many would inform the authorities? I understand much of the intelligence received by the police comes from that source. However, would you inform on your family in such a circumstance, especially if you agreed, not with violence, but with the attitudes behind them?

What to do? Continue as always. Difficult if you travel in busy areas. Worrying if using airports, stations or crowded places, especially nightclubs. However, life must go on, it's the only way to defeat these folk. Easy for me to say, but there is no alternative.

Gordon Brown

Well Tony Blair has gone, taking his red ties with him, and Gordon Brown has at last reached the top, wearing a blue tie! However, while all politicians 'spin' we know that Browns spin will be very much less obvious than Blairs. I look forward to his changes, and changes there will be! Hopefully he will lessen the 'politically correct' influence, and begin the pull out from Iraq. Some foolishly think we can win in Afghanistan, I doubt it myself, and hopefully we can lessen our problems by leaving there also. Gordon Brown will provide a very different product from that which we have become used to. It will upset many, especially those who have got used to the Blair approach. I think myself that we will see a better, more human, Labour party. One concerned more obviously with people, one less concerned with image. His wife also appears keen to remain in the background, and seems unlikely to make to many gaffs similar to those Mrs Blair gave us. This also is good!

Tony Blair himself now goes of to the Middle East as a representative of the major forces in the world. What a good choice! A man detested by many for his support of the Iraq invasion, a man blamed for thousands of deaths. A man seen as a poodle of the US president. Hmmm, wise choice? Certainly he can reach people, certainly he can charm many, on all sides. But the main problem, the Israeli v Palestinian conflict, about that he can do little if the Israelis are not interested.He appears to side with them, this will bring trouble unless his approach is to be more even handed. However, we will see what we will see. I hope it is good.

Tony Blair : Image Man

Have you become aware of Tony Blairs image recently?
What strikes you most? The arms waving, the halting, sentimental speaking?
Not for me, I see the tie!

When he was elected he drew a vast amount of comment because he wore blue ties. Labour leaders always wore red! he insisted, blunderingly, this was not important, but it was. He was opposing the daft left, and trying to convince the Daily Mail reader that he was an OK guy.

The tie nowadays is red! Bright red!

Could it be the image he desperately wants to leave behind is that of a Labour leader? The tie will not change your image Tony, try honesty instead.

Longest Day

At 11:15 last night I looked to the north west and watched the dark blue sky deepening slowly as the longest day of the year drew to a close. Having risen at 4:25 to watch the bright blue dawn, to listen to the birds as they sang while beginning their daily routine, I enjoyed the best of the best day of the year. Sunshine, blue sky, a walk through the gardens, birds singing, blossom blooming, fragrances everywhere.

This morning I awake to weather warnings regarding possible floods between 10 am and 10 pm, gray clouds, wet roads, and the blackbirds sitting in the trees opposite holding umbrellas while the wood pigeons wear wellies as they seek breakfast in the park.

The nights are drawing in...........

Field Marshall Lord Alanbrooke : War Diaries 1939-45

Just finished reading this excellent book, 'War Diaries 1939-1945: Field Marshal Lord Alanbrooke.' Brilliant insight into the running of the Second World War. I came across it on the bookstall at the market and decided that as I had bought it I might as well read the thing. It has been lying on the shelf, looking good, but unread, for a while now. I found that, in spite of the weight of the thing, it was 'unputdownable!'

It is the habit after a war for those involved to race to publish their memoirs. The clatter of typewriters , in the years following the war, drowned out the traffic on many a street. Army commanders, Field Marshall's, politicians, and anybody who thought they had something to say, wanted to 'put the record straight.' Or at least, as straight as made them look good anyhow! The Prime Minister during the war, the great Winston Churchill, made sure that the record of the war would be made perfectly straight, he wrote it himself! His collected volumes sold well, and so they should. However, his ability to make himself the leading man of the war did cause some to wonder about facts. Especially when they were either put down, or just missed out.
Alanbrooke clearly felt betrayed by the man he had spent several years arguing with. He therefore obtained the help of Arthur Bryant to produce his diaries for him. This was accomplished in the fifties, a time when all the major players were still very active. Bryant had managed to 'massage' certain parts of the diaries, but some folks were somewhat upset at what they discovered. Churchill after all had not won the war by himself!

In 2001 this version of the diaries became available. At the beginning of the war Alanbrooke decided to write a diary as though he was talking to his wife. To talk to the book as though to her. A way of keeping in touch with home, and with himself. In it he revealed his deepest thoughts, and some of them were brutally honest.

The diary details his time in France with the BEF, the attack by the Germans and the escape from Dunkirk. His time organising the defence of the nation and for the most part his promotion to Chief of the Imperial General Staff, the top job! Instead of leading an army in the field, which is what he yearned to do, he had to lead from the top, and deal with Churchill. The diaries detail his daily routine, the late nights, usually because Churchill waffled as opposed to getting somewhere. The arguments that grew in time as both men felt the stress of responsibility, sickness and time getting to them.

By the end of the war Alanbrook was just glad it was over. Glad not to have to deal with Churchill and as a reward, first made a Baron, which cost him £200 he could not afford, and then he runs off to try and make some money. One thing we learn is that the few of the leading soldiers of the day had cash! their financial reward was pitiful, because of Winston's desire to be seen as top man, and most went in to print for the money, as well as the record. We see great men being great, but allowing personality and self service spoil the show. We see the weaknesses as well as the huge amount of work endured. We note the vast distances, of in dangerous areas, that were travelled. But underlying it all is the desperate fear that the war could be lost, and that the decisions taken in late night sessions could be fatal. The pressures of war are clearly seen in these short diary entries. The fears, the courage, the endurance, and finally, the victory!

One thing is for sure, Winston Churchill was a great man, and without him the nation was lost.
But Field Marshall the Viscount Alanbrooke was the man who actually, won the war!

Resurfacing Stane Street

For several nights we endured the dubious pleasure of the men resurfacing Stane Street outside. The road runs from Colchester to St Albans, or at least it did in Roman times, it may still do so. This work has been a desperate need for some time, and at last it has been accomplished. Naturally, being a busy road it had to be done at night, late at night! There is nothing better than reading your book while listening to a dirty great machine scraping of the top layer of the road - right outside your window! Not only do we have the machine, the flashing orange lights, the lorry in front catching the waste, the noise but we also have the shouts, whistles and the constant beeping of the trucks going backwards. But happily only for an hour or two - or three! Now I am not one to complain, and certainly not to a group of blokes as big as this lot outside, so I accepted this as just one of the occasions you just have to suffer for the good of the town.

Naturally we had two suffer for two more nights while they actually laid the new surface. More revving of engines, more beeping, once more the sweeper vehicle went back and forth, and back and forth, again the flashing lights, again the scraping of shovels. Generously the workers stopped right outside my window after the first night, so they had to come back and work cheerily as I struggled to finish the book. How lucky am I? I felt so sorry for these men earning £500 a night for keeping the are awake, especially when the rain teemed down on the second night. My sympathy was something I shared with the mirror in the morning as I examined my red eyes. How we laughed! Still it is done now. The surface is flat and even, the only thing missing is road markings. There were far too many dangerous areas before, dangerous to those of us on bikes, and they have been put right. This is good and the surface will probably last for ten years before disintegrating totally.

These men are not the first to repair Stane Street. This road runs in an almost straight line from Colchester and was possible begun by the Romans, certainly made into a solid surface by them, although it may well have existed for many years before their arrival. How many feet have slogged along the road? Troops marching from Colchester would stop here for the night. Fifteen miles is a good days march in normal circumstances, for me anyway. The road connected not just with St Albans but crossed the road from London to Norfolk and the road north further along. If desired the Romans could march from Colchester along this road and reach any place in the Island in relatively short time. The soldiers on their march could be sure of the reliability of the road, as they were the ones who made them. One way of keeping the men busy in quiet times and developing the land also. I wonder if the legions worked at night, and if they made as much noise when doing so? Somehow I suspect they were little different.

Authors Pictures on Blogs

Why do folk insist on putting their picture on a blog? Now I am not talking here of the postage stamp size pic at the top. These are usually too small to take note off and usually inoffensive. What I mean are those photographs some insist on placing right in your face. Usually these are too large, and worse, too ugly! Most often it is some male attempting to convince us he is handsome, or macho, or has some deep personality trait he wishes to show has damaged his outlook on life! There can be no doubt such pictures are a mistake.

Can I suggest to those tempted to post such frightful representations of themselves that they defer the idea until consultation with an adult has taken place.? What to you appears 'cool,' or even 'macho' appears to normal folk like an extra from a Hollywood disaster film has discovered the gift of writing. The image, so deeply felt, that you endeavour to project does not arrive at the target as intended! If you must post such close ups, or even head and shoulders shots, either don't do it, or, em...don't do it!

Thanks.

Sarah Called

She called to say that claiming women nag is a stereotype! She went on to indicate this should not happen! Apparently I have no right to say such things. She was so upset she actually created a blog just so she could log on and tell me. Sweet eh?

Unfortunately, there was a slight problem in that she spoiled her argument somewhat by adding "Women only nag when they have to!" See the problem? Bet she doesn't, even yet. The thing is dear, who gives you the right to nag 'when you have to?' Who decides 'when?' I know who does, you do! Get it now?

No, didn't think you would. You see, the thing is, when your mind is so self absorbed, and you care only for your opinions, you miss out so much. The main problem wee girls have today is the mouth opens long before the brain, and all too often that does not arrive. I suggest you put aside the girlie magazines (no dear, not that type) and go out into the real world with your mind open and your mouth closed. Ask grown up women what life is like, preferably not middle class ones, they are a wee bit like you see. Learn about things, get out of the rut you are in. Make friends.

Oh, and don't watch 'Eastenders.' It makes you think mouthing off is clever. Try smiling instead.

Virus

Where do virii come from? Why do they exist? Why do they come to me? How I suffer! Never complaining, always cheerful, just getting on with it. Aye right!
I am sick of this one, and it seems to go on for ever.

But where do they come from? Why do they exist?
Those little bugs, so complicated, so cleverly designed, cause so much damage. Look at the cold or flu virus, tremendously well made. The picture of the cold virus shows how complicated it is.

Now if God created them, what purpose do they serve? If they evolved, to what end? I just do not understand their purpose, but I know the damage they cause. if there is one thing I would like to do it is either lose them all, or adapt them to some useful purpose.

The Madeleine McCann Saga

This saga continues. Today the Daily Mirror tells us a German reporter asked the McCanns if they were involved in the disappearance? The paper implies we ought to be shocked by such a direct, and obvious, question. The Mirror forgets to point out that an ex Mirror reporter now works as PR for the McCanns. But surely such questions ought to be asked of a couple who seem to think we ought to drop everything and run after the child they have lost? maybe if we asked direct and probing questions we could get further than jumping on the bandwagon search they have instituted with their media savvy friends and family.

From the picture of the premises it seems a long way to go from young children. What if the kid choked or fell out the bed and broke something? What if fire broke out? How long does it take for a fire to fill an average room? Two minutes? Three minutes? It is hard enough to get out of a house on fire normally, let alone when you are dining at such a distance.

Are we being too hard on the parents? I suppose if they admitted they were at fault, and then sought the return of the kid in the same way others do, then we would emphasise their mistake, and let it rest with the proper authorities. However, when they demand we run after their bandwagon. When football players are blackmailed into wearing yellow armbands, and cup finals are shown videos of the child to keep the campaign public, then I think we are right to ask questions. We are now part of the bandwagon, and we must know the facts. I am as yet unconvinced that the full facts have been revealed.

Normally a mother in such circumstances would generate sympathy, unless she had run down to the shops for a bottle of beer and lived in a rough area of course. Then the Mirror and Sun would call her heartless and demand action! Junkies would naturally become outcasts, but not these two it seems.

The child herself? If, and I mean, 'if,' she has genuinely been taken by the bad guys then I fear she will never return. She could be anywhere. paedophiles may have taken and abused her, possibly even raping her to death, or maybe killed her to dispose of the evidence. It is possible she is alive, confused, and hopefully, being cared for. best not to even consider what kind of life she may end up with.

I would appreciate if the British police gave some understanding of their thought on this case. Somehow, I do not see them as being as understanding as the tabloid press. A healthy policeman's cynicism surely would have many questions requiring an answer.

Education

Isn't education great!

I love it! In fact I love it so much I have several books lying here, each one packed with subjects that will broaden my outlook, help me understand the world and its many ways, and, possibly, make me a better person. I can see them all over the house. They lie on the couch, pile high in the bathroom (the best place to sit and read I find), take up space on the bed and of course surround me on my desk. There are big thick tomes full of academic ponderings, thin easy to read types, books that will reward honest endeavour, books that require cassette tapes to accompany them to ensure you get the sounds right, books that help explain what other books are blethering on about - dictionaries and word guide books for instance. Some books teach much about history, some languages, others practical skills like photography, some how to communicate better. In fact, if you make the effort, it is possible to find books that educate on every subject under the sun, and beyond that even! Fantastic! What a world of learning we have at our fingertips.

Of course I sit here now staring into space and asking myself, if these books are so effective, and if education is so great, why have I not opened them? I'll let you know after I've had another coffee and a game or two of 'Tetris.'

Summer Birdsong

Cycled out into the mist this morning. Quite thick in places but soon burning up as the sun decided to rise. Came along a pathway lined with aged trees and bushes on one side. I had to pullover and sit there listening to the birds singing. A thrush was high in a tree overhead and difficult to spot. However I found him and watched him call for a while. Was he calling his mate, or maybe hers? He was too big to be new born anyhow. Flapping among the branches indicated a wood pigeon chasing off a rival, leaves and feathers falling as he made off over the school field. One of the birds then set to 'cooing,' possibly praising her brave mate. A young tit appeared, nipping quickly among the branches, feeding on whatever he found. A blackbirds sang high in another tree, possibly they are old oak trees but I am not sure. In and out of the branches birds flitted singing brightly, while in the distance the crows cawed to one another raucously.

A wonderful enjoyable short period of time. Listening to birdsong and watching them go about their business. If it becomes possible to add to these sights and sounds the fragrance of newly cut grass and of a wide variety of flowers and blossom, it is possible to imagine in some small way what heaven must be like. There will be no bad smell there, no rotten decomposing matter, just the best that we have here magnified multitudinous - if that is a word! Sunshine, birdsong, fragrance, how I love these small things. This year more than I have ever done, I appreciate them.

Summer Weather

The thing that pleases me about summer weather is walking through the Public Gardens and enjoying the trees, plants and shrubs. I don't think I have enjoyed it so much before. Maybe because I was always working and on my day off either too busy or too knackered! However, sitting there reading my book, listening to the birds singing and watching the never ceasing work rate of the squirrels is strangely enjoyable. That is the third time I have used 'enjoy.' The fact that the sun is warm, when it gets through the clouds that is, does help.

However, when it rains, I do not find myself any less happy, mostly because I am inside and not out there being soaked through. The English are a funny lot in summer rain. For two days it pelted down. The park opposite was an inch deep in places, yet some Englishmen were wandering around in T-shirts, and two that I saw were wearing shorts! Now if it had been warm at the time I would have understood, but it was cold, very cold. Still these chumps wandered about as though in Majorca. Being daft comes naturally to the English.

I wonder if Blackberry Juniper would allow her man such an experience? I somehow doubt it, being quite a wise nag...er, I mean, caring woman.

Missing Child

The media storm over this missing child worries me. Now I am all in favour of parents being concerned for missing children, and hope that the child is found. However, I feel she is now, sadly, gone for ever.

The media coverage and the fact that an ex reporter from a tabloid paper is now giving advice to the family, is disturbing. Why? because we have gone overboard on one child while ignoring all the others who have gone missing.
Worldwide Unicef claims around 1.2 million children are trafficked each year. How come this is rarely mentioned? The reason is simple. Most of them are in Africa or South East Asia. One white middle class British child is worth more than thousands of little black ones from the third world. They do not sell papers, they do not make parents in the west identify with them. They are worth less.

But it does not stop there. This site, controlled by the police, informs us that 77,000 children go missing annually in the UK, 9000 in Scotland alone. While most will return how many disappear and for what reason? Adolescents have always ran away, sometimes to seek their fortune, often because of family problems. Just as often caused by themselves! Where do they go? Clearly they have no understanding of the dangers they face out there, clearly some will end up dead.

http://missingkids.co.uk/missingkids/servlet/NewsEventServlet?LanguageCountry=en_GB&PageId=0

This child has however a great publicity campaign on her side. An aunt persuaded Celtic and Aberdeen players to wear yellow armbands during their recent game. Videos are shown at the English cup final, thousands of posters are downloaded from, I understand, a dedicated website, TalkTalk add a message to every e-mail, and on and on. On one side I feel this is an excellent effort by dedicated family members, on the other, it is an imposition of their grief, and a demand is made for us to join in. It is impossible for most folk not to be concerned for this pretty little girl. It is however also possible to wonder what would happen if a working class parent, let alone one on benefits, were found failing to guard their child. Would we be so concerned? Indeed, if another big story came along after the first week, would we still hear from them? I wonder......

I wonder also about the emotional blackmail we, as a nation, are now under. It is a sad reflection on society today that if the nation mourns, or is concerned we must all join in. If we do not the nation is horrified, and we are blackballed. Another Princess Diana situation arises. far too often we are forced to join the nations emotions together. Not from concern, but form peer pressure. This is wrong and must be opposed. Nothing wrong in the nation being aroused by sympathy, and in this case we are, but something wrong in the insistence on obeying the nations mood.

This mood reflects the spiritual emptiness that is found at the heart of western society. The need for God, has been largely filled with empty celebrity. It was ever thus. We need a cause, as a nation we need a war to bind us together against the foe, as individuals the need is satisfied, but only partly, by a football team or a lover, a job or a political party. All too often, the UK, once so tight lipped, allows itself an orgy of emotion, the first big outlet was Diana, this weeks is Mandy. The child suffers and we use her as much as the kidnappers. What they do I do not wish to contemplate, our national emotion is fulfilling our needs, not caring for her.

Nagging women, or is it Woman?

Why do women nag? It appears that no matter what part of the world a person visits, you will find a nagging woman! Of course, you will also find she has no reason to nag? There never is. How can a woman nag when she is surrounded by men? Men are the most reasonable of souls. Men tolerate the most unreasonable girls, the most thoughtless behaviour, the needless routine questions about their appearance ('what haircut?'), and an an inability to be anywhere on time.
Yet women complain? Why?

One example of this is Blackberry Juniper. She ignores me for what seems like years, spends all her time concentrating on her man, never phones, never calls, never e-mails, yet complains when she is not mentioned on these ramblings! Now she has been mentioned in the past, but has not noticed. Did I complain? Did I hold my breath until I went blue in the face? NO! I did what all men would do in the circumstances, I just got on with watching the football. Now there's another thing! Watching football. How many women will complain that it's '...always the same...' then go of and watch some soap opera? Tell me the changes in any soap opera over the last ten years? You can't because there has not been any changes! This one is still the baddie, that one the womaniser, she still the bitch, that one the tart! IT'S ALWAYS THE SAME RUBBISH!!!!!

Yet the women who watch it week by week don't notice. Why? Yet, if you wear the same shirt to work you wore yesterday they ask why? I have known men forced to change ties because 'You wore that one last time you went there.' A toilet seat being up becomes war at home, while hoovering when the cup final is on is OK??????????

No excuse to nag exists, yet women do. The toilet seat, the shirt, the ignoring the hair ('what hair?'), forgetting a birthday ('you're 48, I thought it was tactful to forget...oh 45, sorry.'), the anniversary slipped the mind ('I thought I would take you out on Saturday, honest'). If a man so much as throws a paper on the floor, in his house, she tells him to put it where it belongs ( he would like to!), he opens the window she wants it shut, she panics because the child needs a new school bag and he is not panicking also, so she complains, long and loud. If she e-mails, and he does not respond within her time frame (which changes constantly) he is nagged, constantly. Forgetting to mention a woman on here (and I am always pointing out their foibles her ooh missus) and sly comments will pass, like. MENTION ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Blackberry Juniper is of course a sweet young thing. Good looking, attractive, highly intelligent, capable of doing anything she chooses, wise (usually) hard working, good humoured, and on top of this a best selling novelist (tomorrow). Bet she nags me soon mind.........

Essex

Essex as a county is often treated with a great deal of disrespect. The image is one of the 'Essex girl' A lass who's ambition is to appear topless in 'The Sun' or reach the dizzy heights of being a high class 'model.' After that she will write her autobiography which, one day, she will actually get round to reading. The 'Essex Boy' of course has developed into a full blown 'Chav' these days. Burberry baseball cap, baggy trousers, and lots of cheap Argos jewellery. A shaven head and a gold ear ring helps to seal the image. Scars are worth extra points, and of course an ASBODagenham way.

However, while such folk do exist, and they do, believe me, they do, not all of Essex lives up to the stereotype. On the contrary, it is a place awash with cash! Many a pop star or movie hero will find a thatched or imitation Tudor eight bedroom house with several acres of garden to keep the residuum from the door. The election shows just how many Conservative voters can be found in this part of the world. Small country towns and villages are predominately Tory, and after the recent elections the county is almost all blue! Some areas remain, like Colchester, Liberal Democrat, and a few stay red for Labour, like Harlow. However, for the most part Essex is a moneyed place. The working class also tend to be Conservative in their outlook, lorry and taxi drivers have always been of course, the 'What's mine I keep' people. No concern for others, money first, until they can no longer work of course, then it is as many benefits as possible. many in Essex share this outlook. The 'Daily Mail' and 'Express' must do well here.

Essex is also a delightful place to visit. Historic castles, green and pleasant land, seaside, estuaries, bird sanctuaries and occasional sunshine. Narrow country lanes attract many motor cyclists in the warmer months, around nineteen died last year because of carelessness. But others stop to admire the churches which, in some cases, have stood on that spot for nearly a thousand years. All the requirements an individual needs for a few days out. On top of this Essex is one of the safest counties in England. Put aside the stereotype, leave that along the Thames coast, and let it remain there. or two will make you a hero down

Bank Holiday Monday

It was obvious this was a bank holiday Monday. The minute I woke I could here the rain outside.
The few cars that passed swished through the wet roads, and rain drops thudded slowly, but steadily, on the ledge outside. However, those walking the dogs in the park found the weather, while wet, quite warm. Summer type rain may come straight down but can be actually quite refreshing. Not sure the dog walkers early in the day thought this way mind.

Swifs

I saw the first swift of the year yesterday evening. A sure sign of summer approaching. Wonderful to see. Swifts, or bluebird's as we used to call them up north, are great birds to see. They spend their time flying around, sometimes high in the sky chasing one another, and then racing past the window at high speed. At all times screeching loudly and enjoying the moment. For a year or two they had a nest in the extractor fan outlet. Unfortunately the landlords man must have blocked their entrance in some way when he painted the outside of the building. Pity, but there were several places in the roof that allowed starlings also to make nests. These too appear to have been closed off.

Long bright days, except for the cloud that covers us at the moment, and swifts high in the sky. beasties crawling and flying around, birds sweetly singing in the trees, the fragrance of blossom. Simple things, but something that makes life so much better.

Elections in Essex & Scotland

O.K. it's bore time. Let's talk elections.

In Essex there is little surprise that the area has a blue tinge. In this town alone 42 out of 60 seats are Conservative. Service cut backs ahead I think. What services you cry? Ah yes, possibly another late night bus withdrawn, if it still runs. East Anglia has turned blue, but there is no surprise in this. For the most part the moneyed classes predominate, and while an occasional swing to another comes from time to time, most are happier with the party that worships cash as opposed to people. In one area they attempted to modernise using the equipment used in Scotland. It failed! Isn't progress wonderful? The Scots vote meant nothing to these folks of course. Too them Scotland is another county of England. But they do resent having to pay for it. In fact, Scotland has of course carried England for years, but facts do not stop race hatred do they? Some even demand an independent English parliament, ignoring the fact that Westminster has only ever considered itself English for three hundred years. Again such facts do not fit in this part of the world.

Scotland has given the SNP the best chance it has ever had for showing what it can do. It is not enough to demand independence, a party must be able to govern, and govern well. This will be difficult under proportional representation, as this does not give one party an overwhelming lead. Pity. I am not keen on the type of PR used in the Scots election. However, the SNP will probably join with the Lib Dems and work something out. What exactly, remains to be seen.
Emotionally most Scots want independence. Rangers fans and Tories do not. One because of a twisted view of Ulster, and the other fearing for their wallets. I wonder if the folk in Perthshire have houses in East Anglia?

What real difference will all this make for you and me? Little I suppose. More boring political half truths on the radio and telly. Much too much in the way of conjecture from the chattering classes. But overall, the man in the street will see little change. Prices rise, the economy fluctuates, his job may or may not continue, his wife will nag and feel she could do better elsewhere, his kids will rebel and cause upset, the cat will be sick on the bed.

Overall, life continues as normal for the most part. Hey ho. Isn't democracy great?

The Great War for Civilisation

This book by Robert Fisk is well worth a read. It may have 1286 pages, not counting the addenda, and it may take a while to peruse, but I recommend it to those who wish to understand the Middle East today.

The lack of concern for human life shown by the folk from all sides stands out. The tortures, imprisonment, brutality, murders and general callousness shown by Arabs and Persians, Americans and French, by British and Saudis, by Muslim and so called Christian never seem to end. Everybody is under threat from someone, so all fight back, often before they are attacked. Muslim groups fight their own leaders and each other. Dictatorial leaders brutally put down any suspected of rebellion, whatever their religion.

And of course the West comes to bring 'democracy.' As long as that 'democracy' leads to capturing the oil fields for themselves. 'Democracy' can be foisted on Iraq, but not Saudi Arabia, they are our friends after all. Iraq can be made 'democratic' especially if Israel wants it broken up. It never fails to surprise me just how influential Israel is in American politics. Another surprise is the weakness before this of the 'Most powerful man in the world' the president of the United States. Serious questions need to be asked here by the American people, especially those sent to die for a cause not their own. The president elected on the back of $345 million dollars from big business and oil money (his business) gives out contracts, without tendering first, to those who backed him. The oil fields are guarded more heavily than peoples lives. Just who and what is running the American government at any given time I ask? What is the purpose?

Israels behaviour is clearly seen as outrageous. Not just the land grabbing, but the treatment of the Palestinians who object. Israel may have been returned to the land God gave them, and that is what I believe, and God may still have a place for them in this world, but the must turn to their God and do things his way. This they do not do. None of the leaders have been religious Jews. Most of the settlers appear to have an unhappy habit of being Americans who think they are winning the 'wild west' all over again. God wants all to know his Messiah, Jesus of Nazareth, and knowingly firing 'Hellfire' missiles into ambulances full of women and children is not the way to do it! A change of attitude and a clear answer to the Palestinian problem is urgently required if there is to be peace in the Middle East. However, I do not believe this will happen. It is not for us to know they way God is working in Israel, it is for us to know God through his Son, and then live for him where we are. Pray for Israel, but ask the Lord what he wants, not what we want.

I reckon this book covers around five million deaths in the time span presented to us. So it is not the sort of thing to read out to the kids last thing at night! But Fisk's travels in Afghanistan (where he meets Bin Laden) , Iraq, Iran, Saudi, Algeria, Pakistan ( a friend of the West even though the Taliban and Bin laden may be based there. And don't mention their nuclear arms please), and elsewhere show several things. People from all backgrounds and cultures, religions or not, can be kind, helpful and well worth knowing. It also shows they can torture, murder, and hate forcefully and brutally. Politicians from all sides are assailed from all sides by all sides, and usually compromise by taking the easy way out. Or what benefits them the most. All tell lies, all misuse their own forces as well as the enemies (real or imagined) all justify their actions and rarely are called to account. Mostly what we see is suffering. Suffering of the innocent, call them insurgents, terrorists, or threatening, call them anything, but justify the murder and pain and walk away seems to be the order of the day.

Fisk does not attempt to offer a 'fix' for the area he has covered. However, he does let us see the results of our meddling among people we once despised and now fear! Political chicanery, regarding the locals as unimportant or 'lesser peoples' has come home to roost. We have pushed them too far and now bear the cost. The unwritten answer is to let them have the freedom they want in their lands. Ensure 'democracy' exists in all the lands, not just some, and stop using them for ourselves. There is an amazing lack of understanding in the west of the Muslim mind.
A thought that we are more 'civilised' and a great fear of what we do not know.
Especially when it now resides amongst us!

Time for us to consider others quite a bit more. Time for a radical overhaul of Middle East policy, and time for the United Kingdom to stop being a lackey of the corrupt United States Government. Time also for the American people to take their government back into their own hands. If, that is, they have the courage and if they have the desire.

Church Services on TV

What is it about televised church services? Why do they have to go to a large cathedral to portray Christianity? I am watching a service for Easter from Coventry cathedral. The cathedral is a vast open space built after the second world war to replace a building destroyed during the blitz. Those in charge decided to rebuild the church and offer forgiveness to the enemy. Since 1940 this church has worked worldwide to bring reconciliation between enemies. This is a work that needs to be congratulated.

However, the service involves the usual Anglican choir, loud organ, and leader led responses. All this leaves me cold. There is no spontaneity here. No reaction to Jesus the man, and what he has done. Indeed, what he is doing. The hearts may be right, the performance is wrong.

Yet this is what the public see. They do not see lives changed, just nice folks being nice. We need church services on TV which reflect the church as she is today, not an image that suits television producers expectations. We need to see one of the lively young churches which abound through the land. Certainly they have been featured on occasion, and 'Spring Harvest' has hosted 'Songs of Praise' on occasion, but far too often a church seen on television is old fashioned and worse, out of touch, or middle class.

Still, at least the secular liberals are forced to portray the church so many despise. The message that 'Christ died for our sins, and was raised for our justification.' is published and heard. Now of course, I must let him live in me and live it out. That way his message will be seen in a cold lonely world, full of need and desperate for the Love of God to reach them.

Easter Weekend

I almost missed the Easter weekend. I knew it was coming but suddenly it is upon us. Today I suddenly realised is Thursday, clever of me, and this means tomorrow is Friday, Good Friday! The intellect is straining now. This weekend is therefore the Easter weekend. This explains why the traffic is rushing by my window so early. Everyone is desperate to be off and relaxing at home, or wherever. Sainsburys will be crowded with shoppers stuffing the bags full of groceries they do not need, desperate to ensure they will not starve to death during the break. Only one person died at Easter, and he rose again, so relax a bit folks. Come Tuesday, all their bins will be full of uneaten food, wasted when thousands starve elsewhere in this world. And in this house when I consider it.

Strange experience watching people flock to their breaks. The idea of a few days off is meaning;less to someone with too many days off already. A day or two of work would be an experience, and now the weather is improving, the sun shines and one day soon the warmth will reach us, the idea of work seems inviting. Of course this depends on what work actually is available. So far, nothing. I may as well just continue to sit here and peddle this rubbish day by day eh? What's that you say...? Oh!

Another Essex Spring Day

You can tell by the cloud overhead. Not dark, but not quiet what one would call light either. The difference between Essex and Edinburgh is striking. Here the East wind is several degrees warmer, in Edinburgh it always cuts through the natives like a knife. There is cloud here while the sun shines on Edinburgh (no I will not say 'Sunshine on Leith' - drat! I did.) this is unusual. Now Easter is approaching we can expect the snow to return at any moment.

Easter! This occasion in which we remember the dying and resurrection of Jesus of Nazareth for all our sins, in an attempt to reconcile us to God! We celebrate this by buying over wrapped and overpriced needless chocolate eggs, sending overpriced cards and indulging in a long weekend romp. Sometimes we even consider the religious side of it, but hey! lets not be a fanatic about this eh?

Sunny Easter (hopefully) approaches. The kids will be out en masse shoplifting, the parents, if not dozing at work, will be otherwise occupied, and most probably uncaring, well some of them anyway, not all parents are bad even if the kids are. many at this very moment are crowding Stansted Airport waiting for the 'Easyjet' to Spain. Their idea of fun is to sit in a bar drinking foul Spanish wine or imported lager, read the 'Daily Mirror' or 'Sun' daily to ensure they do not miss anything important, and spend the rest of the day catching cancer lying in the sun smoking cheap fags. I envy them......

April Fool

First day of April. Several papers and no doubt, radio and TV stations will have played 'April Fool' jokes on their followers today. I sit here, cold, hungry, tired and wondering how I got into this mess, thinking there is only one 'April Fool' in this house.

And it's me.

Eleven Years In This Flat

Eleven years to the day when I moved in to this flat. What a change from the London place. It took me a while to get used to this, although the couple downstairs with loud music for the first few days made it difficult. However they moved out, and as Easter Monday came upon us immediately, and I had to use those wee cards to pay for electricity which I did not have, I soon felt at home , cold, hungry and penny scraping. It was lonely, boring and I was not too happy. However, one day a few weeks later, I walked down 'The Avenue' and noticed the blue sky, birds singing and decided it was better than London after all.

Times of unemployment, which went on and on, temp work, packing work and later the Royal Mail job followed. Now the circle is complete as I am broke and unemployed again. Good things did occur. Nina being the best. What a wonderful woman she is. I thought she was ideal for me in every way, except regarding God. Her opinions were different. However she made me feel like a man, taught me about loving someone, and being loved, and I miss her still. No woman can replace her, and let's face it, none have wanted to.

So, eleven years on I find myself broke, unemployed, with no chance baby. Lonely for a woman, without a church to be involved in, no friends, no jobs, and staring bankruptcy in the face, if I can afford it. Are you depressed yet? Neither am I! I believe God still loves me. I just wish he would show me the way out of this mess. Happy anniversary........

I Told You it Couldn't get Worse!

I lied of course. This morning my delightful niece sent me a little note, black paper, silver pen, great for the postman's eyes that! She enclosed a pic of her two dogs, excellent photo it as at that.
Along with that came the 'Scots Magazine', and a brown envelope. As expected it meant my JSA has stopped. As I then went on to look up the money paid into the bank, so did my heart. Instead of £114 I got £49. Oooer, I thought. As I had calculated I had only £12 left to live on throughout April, this came as a surprise. I forgot I may not get the whole amount.

So I have done the only thing possible. Asked Jesus what to do? I am looking for the reply that brings a quick and pleasing answer. None has come. I am beginning to think that maybe he will not answer this one. I may have to take a job that puts pressure on my knee (and wallet) again. It is at times like this I wish I had been better educated,less lazy, and had some specific skill other than humping things (not people, that is not very skillful where I'm concerned). But if I cannot get one, or one quick enough, then what?

Is God behind this? If so, what is he saying to me? I wish I could hear, and knew what to do?
Interestingly I did a joke test this morning and discovered I was 73% Stupid.
Doh, I knew that already mate!

The test. http://www.stupidtester.com/index.php?ftrd

The Darkness Deepens

So as I sat here yesterday typing out the collapse of all things around me, the washing machine, stereo etc, I did not think it could get worse. It did! Last night I sat at the calculator and discovered that when I have paid of the direct debits and posted the cheque to the Visa card I would have £12 to last me a month. Not only does nothing work, not only can I not find work that my sore knee and dumb brain can cope with, but I am broke! For the first time in a long time I was anxious about cash. That has not happened for a long time. What to do? Find work. Great! Where? Doing what? Suitable work does not either exist or want me. This mean unsuitable work, bad for my knee and the very thing the doctor said 'NO!' to.

OOer......

The World Crumbles Around Me

As I was setting the stereo to tape a radio programme I once again found the machine playing up. Instead of changing the time, it changed to the programme. All too often it does things it ought not! If I switch it off, it comes on again! If I turn down the volume the sound goes on down to zero, if I turn it up it reaches 90 decibels. It will not be long before this one reaches the end.
This is worrying me. Already I have a broken washing machine, the P.C. is broken, this laptop is not working properly and the video played perfectly, until yesterday! Now all tapes show up as 'snow' while the picture appears when fast forwarded! Great! The microwave is falling apart and will need renewing, and the kettle is leaking.

This would not be a problem but for a misfortune with money. That is, there is none! Here am I, unloved, unwanted, and no wonder, with no job and with a sore knee! Being fifty five means no one wants to employ me, my memory is going and I keep forgetting things, even peoples names when I am talking to them. I checked the money tonight and came to a startling find, I am broke! It seems that the benefit cash and the dole money is not covering as much as I thought. In short, my new 'o' level in maths has not helped my calculations. I am still a dunce. When I pay all the debts at the end of the month I will have £12 to last a month! I may lose more weight than I thought........

What to do? I cannot think as I am dumb, I cannot do the jobs I am used to because of the knee, I can't even drive and now cannot get the lessons I have been looking for. Employers don't want me, I have nothing to offer.......Hmmmmmmm looking good eh?

A short prayer. "Jesus, Heeeeeeeeeeellllllllllllllllllllllllllllp! Thank you"

Dry, Sunny Essex

When I came here eleven years ago, I was delighted to discover Essex was the driest county in England! Fantastic! I was also under the impression it was one of the flattest. Combining this 'little Holland' with Global Warming I thought I was on to a good thing here. How wrong I was!

Within two years I received anxious phone calls from relatives worried about the money I had borrowed, asking if I had drowned in the floods. Naturally they were delighted, at least the piggy banks were, that flooding only happened at the bottom of the hills, hills which I thought did not exist! Flooding did take place, and has done since several times. A combination of heavy rain and swollen rivers makes for uncomfortable living. This begs the question, why buy a house at the bottom of a hill next to a stream? And the houses bought are not the cheap ones either. What drives folk to seek houses there? Could it be that is where 'the right people' live? You know, the middle class folks, 'our kind' as it were. Certainly a more intelligent, less class conscious type might move to a better place, but I digress.

The hills. Yes, there are hills, and steep ones at that. I did not notice them at first, but once I got on the bike and found myself struggling up slopes I had not noticed before, then I noticed them. Once I began delivering mail by bike, I noticed them even more!
Struggling up a hill with a twenty five kilo bag of mail aint no fun son I can tell you! Naturally, in such a job as that, there is always one who has to claim he cycles up daily with no problem. We all tend to agree with folk like that. The cycling is no problem, it's the lies that irritate! Why is there always a man who has to boast of his prowess when all and sundry know he is lying? Not only that, he knows we know, but he goes on pretending he is fooling folks, and even impressing them. The word 'tosser' is appropriate here.

Essex, county of hills and rain after all. But on the other hand, there is indeed more dry days than wet, more chance of a hosepipe ban than a flood. More chance of my lottery win arriving than daft middle class types buying houses they actually want than just because they are with the 'right kind of people.' Could be worse mind, I could be in some city centre. At least I can always see the sky here, even if it is overcast and light gray at the moment.

Good and Bad Weekend!

When your team puts in a performance like we did against Dundee United you need something to lift the heart, or in deed Hearts I should say. Four nil loss at home to a mediocre team that is rebuilding from a position of nothingness? How come? Vlads bad management structure, poor team relationships, and lack of strong leadership, that's too the fore. What will happen now? There are no top players either fit or available. Far too many of the better players hide, and soon the split will mean we are against those clubs fighting for the EUFA place. Disaster awaits!

Now, when you need something good to happen to you what occurs? A novelty, a blip, a nightmare that's what! Yes indeed, the Wee Team went of and won the third trophy in Scottish football the CIS League Cup! How could they? And how could they do it so emphatically, five goals to one indeed! I am glad I do not live in Edinburgh at these times, I may get done for assassination!

However, not all is bad. God has been good this past few days.Indeed I think folks prayers have meant leading me to a church that can be helpful and certainly indicating Jesus love for me still, in spite of it all! I have never really enjoyed Jesus as I ought. I keep holding back from giving my self too him fully. But I am encouraged this weekend here. Through the hail that has come down in blizzards at times I can see sunshine in Jesus. Lets have more Lord. And if you can do something about Vlad getting a proper manager, well, that would be good also......

Exercise

OK so the weighing machine groaned when I stood on it, and the plastic cover on the dial flew off, but that does NOT make me fat! Anybody who is out of work and spending too much time sitting at a broken computer could easily put weight on. Especially when it rains outside, or the neighbours complain about the noise up above them. This hinders exercise you must understand.
However, when said machine creaked a wee bit and the dial read 16 and a half stone (that's 231 lbs to the uneducated) I decided something must be done.
So it was out on the bike, along the flat streets a couple of days, and up the old railway line yesterday. Would do that more often if those dog walkers waited until I passed. You have no idea how many pooches wait until you cycle up to them then meander in front of you! Today I not only went down the flat road, and the long way round, I also walked for a while in the sunshine.

Now I realise just how unfit I have become. Puffing and panting in a way I did not do four years ago! Working for Royal Mail did my knees no good at all. I used to go long walks but now struggle after half an hour. Losing weight will help, but I wonder if the knees will ever be the same? The arthritis under the right knee won't help, but that also makes me walk at an angle. This is something that is getting worse. I came across Nina a few weeks ago and she was shocked at the change. That was worrying. However, with the cycling and walking, with the weights I lift and the other exercises I reckon I will lose the fat stomach, feel better, think better also, or give up and be a slob! Things must change. getting a job, with the routine etc that goes with it would help, and being healthier might help me get a job. What kind of work needs fat slobs.

And when were are on the subject, why do folks use the word 'obese' in the media when they refer to fat folk? Are they ashamed? Or is 'fat' not educated enough? pretentious misuse of words by the media folk I guess. I am heading for 'fat,' and that in the big belly area at that. Not 'obese,' just 'fat,' and it's disgusting!

Women

God created women so they could know him and praise him. So that they could experience life in all its fullness. How easy it is for men to forget this and abuse them. We look at pictures of their naked bodies and let our fantasies run free. married or single, old or young we justify it one way or another. Christian men are well aware, not only that it is wrong, but of the harm it does to them, and themselves. yet we still watch a bit of porn, indulge our feelings, and forget that these women, like ourselves, belong to God, not us!

Muslim women tend to be treated very badly indeed. Usually this is because of cultural , rather than religious, motives, but nonetheless the women are rarely free. Afghanistan and Saudi may be amongst the worst, but they are not alone. African women tend to be more independent, but suffer much in many areas. Indian women, especially in the village backwaters, of which there are vast numbers, suffer also.

Women in the 'west' are constantly complaining of their lot. But these women are free, able, and very well off. Rarely do they have genuine deep complaints no matter what they say. The men in the west suffer just as badly, but are expected to just 'get on with it!'

The point is, no matter where we are in this world. No matter what century we lived in, God in Christ Jesus created all women. Each one is precious in his sight. Each and every one cost the life of the saviour, none are left out of the finished work on the cross. They are meant to be free in Christ, meant to have a life of fulfilment, meant to be praising him in all things, and meant to know him and enjoy him for ever.

Can we Christian men stand around ogling them? Are we entitled to sit back and allow women in other religions or cultures to suffer? Is it right for us to forget they belong to God and not us?
Married or single, whatever our area of life, the sex urge does impel us to look at women. We want one, usually 'now!' The way they dress in the west does not help us of course, and their own sexual liberality is a distraction. But it is for the individual male to remind himself that they belong to God. We all know this can be hard when sex rears its head. Single men, especially young ones, find control difficult. So do married men. Their wives are often very unhelpful and a woman who treats her man thoughtlessly and ignores his sexual needs does indeed encourage him to look elsewhere. Consideration for the other is very important here, not all women understand, or indeed care at this point.

Let us then see woman as God sees them. Let us love them in Christ, and that is not always easy! We know that! Let us endeavour to ensure that God can get the best out of the women he has made. That she is aware of him and his love for her. That she is enabled to praise him and enjoy him,whatever the situation. Slave or free, rich or poor, black or white, known unto Jesus or not, let the male love them as Jesus loves his church.

Sunday, A Day For Seeking God

At least that was the idea. It seemed good at the time! So when I woke this morning, for the second time, I noticed there was a mist outside. Not much point in having one inside I suppose, anyway, I decided that fitness was important and climbed on the rusting bike with my rusting body and headed for the old railway line. The intention was that I would stop at places, contemplate God as I looked at the country around, take a photo or two of misty scenes,and plod home to continue the seeking. naturally the place was busy. Not 'High Street' busy, but plenty of folks walking their dogs, jogging or just wandering up to the village for whatever purpose. Not much chance of a meditation here. The one time I stopped, as I puffed up the incline the steam trains of the past never noticed, it took seconds for folk to appear in the distance. Hey ho.

So it was back home in due course, and meditate in the bath. Well, doze was more like it as the exercise had failed to stimulate the mental capacities that once resided in the cranium. It took only a short while to decide that protein was required. Salmon and assorted fruits and veg saw to that, and it helped. The theory that a good breakfast is required to survive the day is clearly correct. if there is time of course....

However, by tuning into Premier Radio, http://www.premier.org.uk/Index.cfm?bhcp=1
and listening to the noon worship time life changed. While I was struggling to read the book, and finding my head filled with despair at my unbelief and lack of God there the presenter read a psalm that meant a lot to me. Don't ask which one as I forget, but the words spoke of Gods care and I was lifted suddenly out of the pit! As the bland inconsequential praise so loved of Premier continued, I found myself crying out to God as I had once before in the distant past! Emotion or Spirit? I do not know or care, but this has carried me through the day.

I wandered out later and accidentally came across Sunday football in the park. As the rain slanted sown and the adolescent players struggled with the hill and weather, I found myself just enjoying the rain and the game. I took this as from God and stood happily in the rain for a good while before deciding prayer was what I was supposed to be doing. Back home I read while listening to Premier. Tiring of the blandness of the music I searched out other Internet radio stations and found one in Ottawa playing worship music with a bit more bite. CHRI FM is worth a listen. http://www.chri.ca/chri2/viewpage.php?pageid=67
It done me a lot of good today. I found one or two others that had good thumping music, but this made reading while listening easier.


I find myself tonight wondering where I am after today. Am I nearer God? Have I given myself through the cross? Am I letting him in? I am loner, I always want to be in control and have always resisted letting go, am I nearer that, and have I done enough? Lord please say.
Whatever, today has had many positives. I am glad for it.

You know it is not your day when............

You know it is not your day when the automatic doors at ‘Tesco's’ do not open and you walk straight into them. You continue the luck by finding your newspaper is not available, and the bread that you desperately long for is no longer obtainable. The unfairness of life smacks you in the face at this point. The point is where other people’s lack of appreciation for the things you love costs you dear!

Of course the day can get better, however wet you get walking home in the rain, but you know it won't. The water bill is lying behind the door, it joins the Gas and Electric ones in the 'This can wait for another day' tray. Stretching back with the morning coffee your eye catches the calendar and note the birthday that you thought is next week occurs today! As you jump to find a card and stop a family disaster the coffee helpfully falls over your laptop.

Just three hundred and twelve more days before the year ends. It seems a long time............

Anti-Christian Persecution

The anti-Christian persecution grows apace. Silently and slowly more and more we see the persecution enlarge. Today the 'Daily Telegraph' has this comment,
http://www.telegraph.co.uk/opinion/main.jhtml;jsessionid=BSB3KPZBLZNRXQFIQMGSFGGAVCBQWIV0?xml=/opinion/2007/02/10/do1001.xml

Is that link long enough?

Here we see organisations working (successfully amongst folk of all sorts, helping them to a better life, and being rejected by town councils because they are Christian orientated! The fact that they work, and that lives are changed for the better is unimportant. These folk put their beliefs first and do not submit to the totalitarian ideology of the council. How can this be? If football crowds are no longer allowed to call footballers 'poofs' because it is 'offensive,' how offensive is it in a free country to object to someone because of their religious belief? Or would an 'ethnic' religion be acceptable I wonder?

Slowly but surely we are entering a period where the Christian church will be attacked because it does not follow the political correctness of the Blair government. Behind it of course is the power of the enemy who cares nothing for politics, but uses this to ensure an assault in these days on those who reject his ways and choose life!

Hard days are ahead once more for the church in the UK. Around the world, in India, China and Muslim lands everywhere the church suffers. Soon the persecution will develop here in this land. Look out for it.

Home is Two Places Edinburgh and Essex

Flying to Edinburgh almost brought one of those 'Idiot' moments. I had booked one of the Boarding Passes,but was unsure about how much Airport Tax had been paid, it increased at the start of the month. As I arrived at the desk to enquire re tax they pointed out the check-in had closed. The idiot inside me had read the closing time as the opening time! So next thing I was rushing, and upsetting my knees in the process, towards Gate 81. This was of course miles away, and I had to go through the security, then the 'shoe check' then rush for miles. Naturally,when I got there the plane was delayed and there had been no need to hurry. Jesus was looking after me, why did I worry? But I do. Self obsessed as I am.

Edinburgh is so different from Essex. Not just the city but the life. When I am there I am actually often back in time, I refer to the airport as 'Turnhouse,' a name not used for thirty years, and I return to a life I left that long ago. Not that it is all bad, however many of my memories are, and I do not like them. However, it is good to see the family. My nieces have all grown up into fine attractive intelligent women each still showing different characters but each one being a lovely lass in every way. Their kids are growing up in the same fine Scots tradition, however much political correctness destroys their education and common sense. And that is the one thing I have always missed down here. Watching them grow up. Now I miss the kids also.
It had to be, but how I wish I had been different.

My mother is now 92 and beginning to feel her age. But she well might outlive most of us! It is difficult being there as I am too selfish and too used to being on my own, hence the great desire to get back home come Sunday night. Nothing is better than being in your own place and following your own routine, no matter how mean and squalid it might be! Again I ask, could I live there? Not at home certainly, but maybe in Edinburgh or thereabouts if I found the right place. Of course to do this I need to win the lottery, and that my friend is just a lottery. But, after the tiredness wore off, I am back in the routine. Job hunt, self concern, staring at wall time asking what to do, then ignoring God and doing whatever I want anyway. Followed either by guilt or nothingness, then questioning how I am to get out of this? Easy pal. stop being selfish, let Jesus be Lord, and it will fall into place, slowly maybe, but surely!

Anyway, the flight back was interrupted by the neighbour at my side talking. Why, I ask, why can women not just look out the window and enjoy the view like I do? However Fiona turned out to be a bright highly intelligent woman, and there is not many of those around. Working for the Voluntary Arts project and struck me as well worth knowing. In the end I had to admit it was the best journey for a while. I also noticed how many folk seem to stand around doing little at the airport. Seems to me that is something to look into. That's my kind of work.

So by the grace of God the trip went reasonably well. However I still do not relate properly to Mum. Would I get on so well with the rest if I was nearby? They would see me as I am, and although they have a good idea of my ways, it will be awful to have them know just what a complete clown I am.

So Jesus, here we are, grateful for the wee holiday, but living totally for my squalid self once again. I apologise almost humbly, but still find my mind full of thoughts that do not glorify you, expose my weakness and emptiness, and indicate just how far I am from you. Should I stay in Essex or indeed anywhere else? I just do not know. Many good things here in northern Essex, not being alongside the stereotype 'Essex Boy and Girl' is one of them. But what now? I don't know, why ask me.......?

The Great War for Civilisation

I am reading Robert Fisk's book, 'The Great War for Civilisation' at the moment. I am enjoying it, and learning a great deal from it. Unfortunate that it is so big a book, but I suppose it is an enormous subject, and indeed Fisk's life's work in effect. Afghanistan, Iran and now I am onto Iraq. The main lesson is the obvious one, Islamic societies do not want to be told what to do by the west! They desire decent treatment, and independence. Extremists like Bin Laden are not the problem, that is the misuse and misunderstanding of the culture by those that think they can push the world around.

There are many failings in the societies of the middle east, far too many! Cruel savagery is not uncommon. Savagery of a kind not seen in the west since, well, the last time it was seen. Human beings are all the same underneath after all! The British, French, Russian and U.S. empires have all made promises they would not keep, and used and abused the area for their own ends. They still do! It is remarkable how many mistakes have been made in the past and now are being repeated because experts, and ignorant leaders, either do not know of them, or for some obscure reason, imagine that 'This time it will be different.' How wrong they are.

What to do? Good question, I hope you have the answer! I don't.

We could say Jesus is in control and working out his plan. True, but we see it as in a very dark mirror. Many suffer and die if the troops remain, and many will suffer and die if they leave. Oil, the main point for Bush, will keep the interest ongoing. Terrorist strikes may also keep troops there. But again, can you win a war in Afghanistan? The British didn't, the Russians with great power failed miserably, and it is hundreds of years since anyone conquered that land. Will a few thousand, well trained, troops win now? No is the answer. If Pakistan helps out they might. Pakistan cannot help more than she is doing, the people would turn on the leaders. The Al-Quedah (you spell it!) threat may not be as great now as it was. many other groups working alone may be more of a danger. Instead of fighting, maybe dealing with Muslims would be a better, long term idea. However, I have no idea how it would work. Did you notice me going round in circles here?