Wednesday, 6 April 2016
I read today of a daftie, a man who attempted to burgle a house in Colchester and failed miserably. Now there are many ways of failing to rob a house but this is one of the simplest. This 32 year old thought he was clever but instead of getting into the house, when the householder was at home, he managed to get caught up in the security chain at the door and impaled his finger thereon.
He was still there when the police turned up, with a screwdriver, to release him. His excuse was that he 'heard a woman in distress inside' and wished to aid her.
The police disbelieved him and he instead pleaded guilty.
Having been treated at the local hospital (one with a bad reputation so that served him right) he now has the delight of not having to pay rent for 33 months as he is being kept at 'Her Majesty's Pleasure.'
Another chap was parked in a petrol station late at night and this aroused the suspicions of the local bobbies. On investigating they found a 52 years old man with around 40 wraps of various drugs, much of which was concealed in his underwear. I would have thought carrying such stuff required care and an effort not to be suspicious? He got three years!
You could, if you were 19 and not very bright, carry what looks like an imitation firearm and try to rob a village shop. This goes wrong when the shopkeeper throws you out and you end up doing three years among similarly brain dead youths.
These guys, and they are all men so far, are not so bad as the boy some years ago who robbed a shop and ran home the fifty yards to his house. As he was well known, did not hide his face and lived fifty yards from the shop you may be surprised to know he went to jail.
Earlier this year two men were given suspended sentences for drug dealing by a somewhat naive female judge. Within the hour both were laughing at her and in a somewhat crude manner suggesting what she ought to do now they had been 'let off.' Sadly this information got to the judges ears and she recalled them to court, lifted the 'suspended' part of the sentence and locked them up for a year or two. Social media has its uses but dafties who make use of it often fail.
In Wales a man broke into a Post Office and ran off with lots of money. Just his luck that when he tried to buy a car the seller would not accept £1000 in £1 coins, he thought the bag weighing in at near 10 kilos a bit much. He called the cops and soon afterwards out intellectual was inside for two years.
In Newcastle a bright spark targeted a first floor flat but being wearied by his exploits fell asleep on the sofa. The owners returned and found him snoring away so left him there, called the police and they woke him up. The hero had been taking drugs during the day and nodded off while loading up a bag of swag. This was his sixth burglary and 95th offence so he is now on holiday for two years.
Some years ago when Videos were new a taxi driver in a northern town saw a man late at night with a VCR under his arm. He asked where he got it and was told to mind his own business. Not long afterwards he encountered the man again and mentioned the VCR and was informed it had nothing to do with him. However when a constable passed by the taxi driver mentioned the gentleman in question and indicated his tattoo perched upon the man's forehead.
"Oh that's Headbanger Henry Smith" they said.
Later at Headbanger Henry Smiths house the police collected the VCR, which did not belong to Henry and mentioned that one way to get caught was to have tattooed upon your forehead the phrase 'Headbanger Henry Smith.'
I suspect he still roams the streets at night even now.