Saturday

So we travel to Celtic Park in Glasgow to play Celtic. We have Celtic Fan Willie Collum as referee, and there are two highly debatable offside decisions, both to Celtic's advantage. Jovial Jim Jefferies indicates to the ref that he is none too happy that the linesman on this side has forgotten to go to 'Specsavers' and wishes him to do so straight away. Willie sends him to the stand for noticing the advantage wearing a Celtic strip gains an individual. While JJ has apoplexy in the stand the team struggles without one or two regular players, and eventually let in another goal at the end. Are we surprised at this turn of events? No. It is understandable that mistakes are made, however it is strange that they affect us more than they, isn't it!

   


While drowsily considering removing the army blankets early this morning the radio was blethering about people living and working on a canal 'up north.'  As I struggled, with both hands, to open the eyes I dreamed (or is it 'dreamt'?) of living in a boat on a quiet river, or on an inlet by the sea. While listening to the Glasgow Football Mafia rob us blind (Me biased? Never!) I trawled the net (geddit?) and allowed my mind to believe I could afford one. This beauty here is fabulous, and on board we find all we can desire. Well renovated, all mod cons, and lovely view of the inlet and the passing rich folks on their yachts. All I need is transport, £200,000 and I could while away the hours happily watching the world sail by. The hundred yards walk carrying everything, unless there is a high tide, could be a bother mind!  What a nice relaxing way to escape from the world for a few days on a regular basis. I may cry myself to sleep tonight!

Clegg, Osborne & Cameron

Talking of crying, I watched the Prime Ministers Question Time (PMQ's) from the house of Commons on Wednesday. Because of his father's serious illness David Cameron was not there and Nick Clegg took his place. Jack Straw opposed him, in the usual manner of the House. I was not only unimpressed by left feeling very sad indeed. Straw struggled to make his points, the sudden need to take over leaving him unprepared, and Clegg appeared confident and, to put it bluntly, haughty. Here was a man who had put aside his Liberal Democrat policies to join this coalition, a man who was content to say and do anything as long as he sat on the front bench on the government side. Cameron of course, like Clegg lost the election but happily used this man to take the position of Prime Minister, any sop would do as long as he got the job it appeared.


Adding to this was another 'Daily Mail' story, (Why do I read them?) informing us of George Osbourne, the Chancellor (The Finance Minister) demanding more cuts in welfare. Once again we find three rich men telling us how to suffer in an effort to 'balance the books.' The smug men in sharp suits cutting benefits from the 'workshy' when there is already three million unemployed and thousands being thrown out of work weekly is sickening! Of course some folks happily live on benefits, some taking home much more than they can earn, some of course, and I know of one, wonders how to afford new shoes as his are wearing out! 


There is an attitude of "I'm all right Jack" about these men which leaves me depressed. Even Thatcher, the heartless beast, had some idea what she was about, these three seem clueless. The reason of course is simple, she had some form of ideology - worship Mammon probably - these men only desire to be the ones in charge! That is the thing that disturbed me most about the house, there was no 'belief!' There is no longer 'Left' or 'Right,' there are no politicians who have an agenda to change the world. No Socialists, no Christians, no anti Europeans, nobody with any clout who believes in anything these days in the higher echelons of the parties. So they continue to live in their own parliamentary world, grumbling about their expenses, arrogantly pushing forward their non policies, disregarding any of the public who oppose them, even if they belong to the 'Daily Mail' world!


"Where there is no vision the people perish" it was said in a different context, but it rings true here also.  'Dave' and his smug friends will continue to cut the spending, meaningless men in the armed services, less policemen on the street, less workers in the civil service or local council, less money for projects big and small, more unemployment, potential for riots, and much distress. But not to worry, with no opposition bar the smug, well off, leaders of the Labour Party (A new leader will be chosen in a few weeks time and he also possesses a smug smile.) the boys will continue with their policies until we all fall over the cliff.

It's the same the whole world over

It's the poor what gets the blame

It's the rich what gets the gravy

Ain't it all a bleeding shame

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IT’S A PURE DEAD GIVE-AWAY THAT YOU’RE SCOTS IF.

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Blatantly stolen from here - The Ben Lomand Free Press

1. You consider scattered showers with outbreaks of sunshine as  good weather.

2. The only sausage you like is square                                                                  3. You have been forced to do Scottish country dancing every  year at secondary school.

4. You have a wide vocabulary of Scottish words such as numpty,  aye, aye right, auldjin, baltic…

5. You destroyed your teeth when you were young using  Buchanan’s toffee, Wham bars, Penny Dainties, MB Bars, Cola Cubes etc

6. You have an enormous feeling of dread whenever Scotland play a ‘numpty’ team like the Faroe Islands.

7. You happily engage in a conversation about the weather with someone you’ve never met before.

8. Even if you normally hate the Proclaimers, Runrig, Caledonia , Deacon Blue and Big Country, you still love it when you’re  in a club abroad and they play something Scottish.

9. You used to watch Glen Michael’s Cavalcade on a Sunday afternoon with his side kick Lamp Paladin.

10. You got Oor Wullie and The Broons annuals at Xmas.

11. You can tell where another Scot is from by their accent – “Awright, pal, gonnae gies a wee swatch oa yur Sun ? Cheers, magic  pal.” Or “Fit ya bin up tae ? Fair few quines in the nicht, eh ?”, etc

12. You see cops and hear someone shout ‘Errapolis’.

13. You have participated in or watched people having a ‘square go’.

14. You know that when someone asks you what school you went to they only want to know if you are catholic or protestant.

15. You have eaten lots and lots of random Scottish food like mince ‘n tatties, Tunnock’s Caramel Logs/wafers and teacakes, oat cakes, haggis, Cullen  skink, Lees Macaroon Bars, etc.

16. A jakey has asked you for money.

17. You think nothing of waiting expectantly for your 1p change from a shop keeper.

18. You know the right response to ‘Ye dancing ?’ is ‘Y’askin?’ followed by ‘Ahm askin’ and finally ‘Then ahm dancin’.

19. Whenever you see sawdust it reminds you of pools of vomit as that’s what the jannies used to chuck on it at school.

20. You lose all respect for a groom who doesn’t wear a kilt.

21. You don’t do shopping… you ‘go the messages’.

22. You’re sitting on the train or bus and a drunk man sits next to you telling you a joke – and asking ‘Ahm no annoying ye ahm a?’ and you respond ‘Naw, not at a’, yer fine. This is ma stoap, but’.

23. You can have an entire phone conversation using only the words ‘awright’, ‘aye’ and ‘naw’.

24. You have experienced peer pressure to have an alcoholic drink when out – regardless of the circumstances.

25. You know that ye cannae fling yer pieces oot a 20 storey flat, and

that seven hundred hungry weans’ll testify tae that.   Furthermore

you’re sure that if it’s butter, cheese or jeely, or if  the breid is plain or pan, the odds against it reaching earth are 99  tae wan.

26. You know that going to a party at a friend’s house involves bringing your own drink.

27. Your holiday abroad is ruined if you hear there is a heatwave in Scotland while you’re away.

28. Your national team goes 2-0 up again the Czechs in a qualifier in Prague and your mate says we’ll end up losing 3-2 here  and you think “Probably”.

29. You can properly pronounce McConnochie, Ecclefechan, Milngavie, and Auchtermuchty.

30. Your favourite pizza is deep fried and battered from the chippy.

31. You’re used to 4 seasons in one day.

32 You can’t pass a chip shop or kebab shop, without drooling, when your drunk.

33. You can fall about drunk without spilling your drink.

34. You measure distance in minutes.

35. You can understand Rab C Nesbitt and know characters just like them in your own family

36. You go to Saltcoats because you think it’s like being at the ocean

37. You can make a whole sentence out of just swear words.

38. You know what haggis is made with and still eat it.

39. Somebody you know used a football schedule to plan their wedding day date.

40. You’ve been at a wedding where the footie results were read out.

41. You aren’t surprised to find curries, pizzas, kebabs, Irn Bru, nappies and fags all for sale in one shop                                                                                                        42. Your seaside holiday home has Calor gas under it.

43. You know that Irn Bru is an infallible hangover cure.

44. You understand all the above and are going to send it to your pals.

45. and, finally, you are 100 per cent Scottish if you have ever used these terms – “How’s it hingin’?”, “clatty”, “boggin”,  “cludgie”, “dreich”, “bampot”, “bawheid”, “baw bag” and “dubble  nugget”.

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Encyclopedia Dramatica

1.
The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference.
He acquired his size from too much pi.
2.
I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3.
She was only a whisky distiller, but he loved her still.

4.
A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5.
No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6.
A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7.
A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8.
Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9.
A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

10.
Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

11.
Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12.
Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13.
I wondered why the football kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14.
A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15.
The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

16.
The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

17.
A backward poet writes inverse.

18.
In a democracy it's your vote that counts.

In feudalism it's your count that votes.

19.
When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20.
If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine .

21.
A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.'

22.
Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23.
Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.

24.
Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25.
Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26.
There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

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Explain This!

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What the....?

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I've passed this spot hundreds of times in the past few years yet never noticed this....er, object, sitting on the wall.I had to take a hurried picture and cogitate on the meaning thereof. It stands in a space now holding a disgusting poofy looking fountain, erected at great cost by one of the towns benefactors sometime in the 20's or 30's. He could have erected something a bit more stylish if you ask me, that is why I have not pictured the thing here! Anyway, the fountain was erected on a spot that once held a couple of houses, and possibly shops also. I know that as studying the names on the town war memorial I found one who lived on this exact spot, and I suggest he had some sort of dwelling here rather than kipping on the benches provided. The fountain features the nancy boy holding fish, and Griffins are in short supply there, although dolphins abound. Actually so did soap bubbles for a while. Some rough type emptied dishwashing liquid into the water and it bubbled for weeks until the council cleaned it out! I suppose they are meant to be Griffins, or maybe part of the town crest, but I don't see how. Still, it is nice to note my photographers eye is improving and I will soon be 'A' like in my ability.  Oh I get it now! These are meant to be Sea Horses..... aren't they....? 

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Wednesday Joy

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So, sluggishly pushing aside the ageing ex-army blankets I entered the world as fresh as a daisy, albeit one that had experienced a very rough night. After a gallon of coffee I headed for what I refer to these days as 'work.' I clambered aboard the rusting bike and headed down the pavement towards the corner thirty yards from my door. I sniffed the air, I noticed the sun, I appreciated the warmth on my feeble body, I observed the bright blue of the sky, I ran into three policemen!
Just as I reached the corner three of the boys in blue (well one was female but often it's hard to tell isn't it?) arrived at the same time as I, and I met them head on! I suddenly forgot everything and the conversation, which was was polite, almost friendly, as I blabbered stupidly while they beat the life out of me. "Just for practice you understand," said the leader, an experienced and possibly senior, officer. I gathered the remains of my limbs, thanked them profusely for not giving me the ticket, three tickets one suggested, and raced off slowly to 'work.'


Entering in my usual cheery manner I greeted the two ladies sitting at reception, the sour faced bint I noticed was not there today, possibly at home practising her early menopause I suspect, and greeted the men in the warehouse in similar cheery manner. They as yet do not comprehend me as others do so there were no remarks informing me where I could place my cheeriness, there was however a bad air. This is partly caused by the drain near the door, it is mostly caused by the bad news. This news I heard last week, the place is closing down! The company, who have only recently moved here, have decided to 'outsource' their warehouse. 'Outsource' is another way of saying 'getting another to do it cheaper.' There is no doubt the warehouse is a bit of a muddle, and there is no surprise that money is a problem after their recent move here. However while several of the boys will find work elsewhere, many are 'agency temps' anyway, others will end up like me, old and unwanted! Naturally the 'suits' are saying little. If they could it would make things worse, and as it is a 'suits' mindset not to say anything unless it is required, nothing is said. Result, no-one is sure of anything!
When I started I noticed a problem, now understanding it I feel bad for the ones that will lose out. The whole operation is planned for a week or two ahead, yet silence is what is heard, an no news is indeed bad news for morale!. Two weeks before they become unemployed, unwanted and kicked out onto the street, while po-faced receptionist will most likely keep her face furrowed on the four days she actually shows up.
This of course means my job will end, and I do not know when! Marvellous! I sit here with limbs aching because no pretty girl will massage them for me, debts so high George Osbourne (the Chancellor) has offered to help me budget (No thanks Georgie!) and an energy loss that equals that of a Rangers player called upon to represent Scotland!
Still, as I always say, it could be worse, I could be English!

After reading this I may go in for an 'Idiot of the week' award, well I would but I might win it myself of course. This idiot was forced by his screaming wife and terrified kids to act the 'hero.' His job was to get the spider from behind the loo and remove it, or the family would be constipated by dawn!
Now normal folk would get a bit of card and chase the brute from it's (is it male or female and how do you tell?) hiding place. Not our hero. Maybe it is because it was late,maybe it is because he is an IT expert and more used to staring at spiders on the web (get it?), or possibly it was because he lives in Clacton (IT expert in Clacton?) where stiletto heels and ankle chains still abound among the Essex Girls there, but our hero went for the dramatic solution. He fired an aerosol spray, some sort of deodorant (BRUT probably) and then, for reasons of his own, lit a cigarette lighter to see if the spider had gone.
Naturally it exploded!
Burns to fingers, ambulance to hospital, 'Daily Mail' for photograph. (And how come this is in the 'Daily Mail' I ask? Do you get paid for blowing yourself up stupidly these days?). A small story to show that the stupidity of the Essex Man never dies, even when an IT expert!


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Fire!

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Around ten thirty this morning I discovered these machines were standing outside the door. The disused 'Clinic' building appeared to have a problem. No smoke, no flames, no screaming for help. 
Most disappointing I say!
This is not an unusual event round here. What with the skatepark and the neds that gather there I am surprised this old clinic has not burned down long since. However it was early on a Sunday and it is unusual to have anyone over seven or eight hanging around, and usually with a bored parent in tow at that time. Could this unexplained event be an actual accident? Well that would be a shock! There again my cynical mind wonders if it was an attempt to deliberately burn down the building? Indeed while there was no obvious fire at the time, just a fat policewoman ( I'd like to see her chase a baddie) talking into her phone while the firemen sat in the cab awaiting instructions. However when I passed on my constitutional tonight I did notice a slight rancid burning smell in the air indicating something had been burning. So this brings out the cynic in me. Who would benefit from this disused building burning down? The people selling the land it stands on maybe? The one who suggested creating a 93 bed hotel there? (93 beds? shome mishtake shurely?) The NHS Trust who own the thing? I wonder.....


Gosh, that was exciting, sometimes I wonder how I cope out here? In London we had proper fires with crowds, blocked streets, huge flames, and ladders reaching high into the sky. Out here two engines of part time firemen arrive and potter about. The police put up tape, the gas man comes along to check, a blue car owner shoves his nose in, and suddenly they are all off home for their dinner! They never even told me what happened.  Well that has taken all my energy, emotional and physical. Not quite so much as was removed when listening to Hearts World describing the game this afternoon, and isn't it a shame the Hibs are doing so badly? My exhaustion is such that I might just go back to bed....again.

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Meet Charlie, George & Pete.....

I say........


They are three fungi's to be with.................

I'll get ma coat then........

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William Topaz McGonagall 'Edinburgh'

Edinburgh

Beautiful city of Edinburgh!

Where the tourist can drown his sorrow

By viewing your monuments and statues fine

During the lovely summer-time.

I'm sure it will his spirits cheer

As Sir Walter Scott's monument he draws near,

That stands in East Prince's Street

Amongst flowery gardens, fine and neat.

And Edinburgh Castle is magnificent to be seen

With its beautiful walks and trees so green,

Which seems like a fairy dell;

And near by its rocky basement is St Margaret's Well,

Where the tourist can drink at when he feels dry,

And view the castle from beneath so very high,

Which seems almost towering to the sky.

Then as for Nelson's monument that stands on Calton Hill,

As the tourist gazes thereon, with wonder his heart does fill

As he thinks on Admiral Nelson who did the Frenchmen kill,

Then, as for Salisbury Crags, they are most beautiful to be seen,

Especially in the month of June, when the grass is green;

There numerous mole-hills can be seen,

And the busy little creatures howking away,

Searching for worms among the clay;

And as the tourist's eye does wander to and fro

From the south side of Salisbury Crags below,

His bosom with admiration feels all aglow

As he views the beautiful scenery in the valley below;

And if, with an observant eye, the little loch beneath he scans,

He can see the wild ducks about and beautiful white swans.

Then, as for Arthur's Seat, I'm sure it is a treat

Most worthy to be seen, with its rugged rocks and pastures green,

And the sheep browsing on its sides

To and fro, with slow-paced strides,

And the little lambkins at play

During the livelong summer day,

Beautiful city of Edinburgh! the truth to express,

Your beauties are matchless I must confess,

And which no one dare gainsay,

But that you are the grandest city in Scotland at the present day!    

William Topaz McGonagall

How The Fight Started

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My  wife and I were sitting at a table at her high  school reunion, 

and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink 

as he sat alone at a nearby table.

I asked her, "Do you know  him?"

"Yes", she sighed,

"He's my old  boyfriend.... I understand he took to drinking  right after we

split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."

"My  Gosh!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on 

celebrating that long?"

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, 

my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it  fixed. 

 But, somehow I always had something else to take

care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. 

Always something  more important to me. 

Finally she thought of  a clever way to make her point.

When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, 

busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing scissors. 

I watched silently fora short time and then went into the house.. 

I was gone only a minute, 

and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush.  

I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, 

you might as well sweep the driveway."

The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always  have a limp.

 ________________________________

My   wife sat down next to me as I was flipping  channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"

I  said, "Dust."

And then the fight started...

 ________________________________

One   year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a   cemetery plot as a Christmas gift... The next   year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked  me why, I replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!" And   that's how the fight started.....  ________________________________ My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire   while we were in bed. I turned to  her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look   at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend." And   that's when the fight started...  ________________________________ I  took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. "I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said,    "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah,  she can order for herself." And that's when the fight  started.....  ________________________________ My wife was hinting about what she wanted  for our  upcoming anniversary. She said, "I want  something shiny that goes  from 0 to 150 in about  3 seconds." I bought her a bathroom scale. And then the fight started......  ________________________________ After retiring, I went to the Social Security office  to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License   to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry,  but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me'  and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience   at the Social Security office... She said, 'You should have dropped your pants.  You might have gotten disability, too.' And then the fight started.  ________________________________ My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect." And then the fight  started........ .

Sky

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I am, as you know, keen on the sky! There are many reasons for this and watching gray Edinburgh skies for so long possibly ranks high amongst them. One thing for sure it is the late summer Edinburgh sky that I miss most from that city. Yesterday evening, resting from the strenuous efforts required while listening to the football on 'Sportsound,' I wandered around as the pretty girls, and one or two pretty boys, made their way to the drinking establishments to waste their cash and endeavour to increase the population. I found it strange that an activity that meant so much to me as a teenager did not move me much now. Instead I was fascinated with the mixture of coloured clouds drifting along on a south western breeze. As the sun went down the pinkish hues flavoured the otherwise gray clouds. The deep yellow sunshine joined in making the sky a  wondrous display. I suspect few bar myself would have noticed this. I like to think this is caused by my 'artistic nature,' although cynical folks of my acquaintance prefer to refer to me as a 'ponce' for reasons of their own.

  
This afternoon the sky was once again a mixture of cloud types. Mostly however, gray and dreich, which is a disappointment. You can tell how bright the sun was when shining through the gaps, and I notice outside the window, now that I am indoors, that the sun is shining brightly and the only clouds to be seen are big puffy white ones! Tonight will not be the night for skywards gazing. The darkening sky now speaks of the heavy rain the man on the BBC warned us about. Clean streets tomorrow I reckon! 

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