Withholding Self From Jesus

For far too many years Jesus has loved me.
For far too many years I have found myself withholding my self from him!
After all he has done, after all those answers to prayer, all the reaching out to me, I sit here in the Adullam cave, keeping myself, and merely existing.
It is one thing when among Gods people to respond, one thing when the Holy Spirit moves on me, but another thing altogether when early morning comes. Then I hold me tight. I want to follow my way. Work may call, things to be done, places to visit, fun to have and Jesus can wait, sometimes for days.
Many times he has been here. Close and real. But have I not clammed up within myself? Have I not withheld my self, me, from him? I use logic and realise I must let go to him. I work it out in my mind, and understand the situation, but hang back. He yearns for my love. He gets offhand responses, unless I am in trouble of course!

Jesus, why must I be like this? I must let go, I must let you, I must..... But I sit in the cave, empty.
I have me, and nothing but....