Sorry, No it doesn't work!

Sorry, no it doesn't work!  Women are not made to present football!  

Two games tonight on ITV4 in the Europa League and leading the chat from two failed numpties in the studio, rambling on about how good English clubs are we find a femal form.  Certainly they are pontificating tonight, in spite of both being filled with foreign Johnnies and Swansea actually being Welsh.  One pundit I suddenly realise is South American. 

The politically correct idea of having a woman present the discussion is not good. Who is she?  I know not as I canny find her name anywhere, or indeed her phone number.  This I say is totally wrong, not failing to find the number or name I mean her being there.  Usually such lassies are provided for one of two reasons, the first being entirely voyeuristic (Yes SKY SPORTS I mean you!), the second being PC TV people. The best example of that was ITV dumping the Yorath woman as she was not very good but the BBC immediately employed her.  She then went on to make programmes about sexism, enlisting Karen Brady (she of the 'Daily Sport,' a deceased paper filled with sex that made the 'Sun' look like 'news') to aid her opinion!  

Tonight we have a nice wee lass with a high pitched voice, ideal for those meaningless early morning 'news' programmes, but WRONG for football!  It may well be that ITV male presenters have the personality of a dead rabbit, and indeed less than half of the intellect, it may well be this girl understands some aspects of the game, but in the end it does not work!  The BBC once allowed a woman to commentate on a match during 'Match of the Day,' it flopped, the voice is wrong!  It doesn't work!  Dogs everywhere barked their opinion I remember.

Let the lass sit on my knee by all means, let her do my ironing, let her indeed become a nuclear physicist or a train driver if she so wishes but do not let her participate in football coverage which just requires someone to fill in between the adverts.  That is a job for men, not girlies!

Bah!   

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The Shows!

Ah the 'Shows.' the funfair to you, has arrived.  Dodgems, Ghost rides, and burger Bars have already begun to set up shop.  Shortly afterwards the overpriced smaller stall will offer us the chance to be robbed blind.  I know things will be charged too high as the posters all around inform the victims that 'All Rides Half Price!.'   Half price?  What price were they before then?  Now I have no problem with this lot, they have been here before, and the chances of me going on any of the offerings is zero, however if there is opportunity to whine and complain I see no reason to give it a miss!  
However what I remember of the 'Shows' when they arrived in Edinburgh all those years ago was then bright lights in the dark night and the tremendous noise given off by the huge growling lorries that supplied power for the attractions.  'ERF,' 'AEC,' and other large lorries going back to the thirties I suspect rumbled away all night, the cables offering huge opportunities to break necks as we passed by.  The modern ERF appears too clean and nice in comparison with the growling engines of the fifties.  The noise and pollution is less, but only just, but the atmosphere offered in those dark far off days (oh how far off) is better than what we have tonight.

These two stuffed dummies offer up the local news programme on the BBC, 'Look East.'  I rarely watch it, especially as the ITV version usually has real people on offer, but the local news anywhere is always dreary.  It appears to me nothing happens often, so often that 'Look Eats' fills the programme with visits to the NHS.  Almost every night they are pounding the corridors of a hospital looking for a sob story (how difficult is that?)or possibly a GP or local health unit, maybe a woman suffering some illness, anything related to health to fill the programme.  Tonight I switched this on, they offer unsafe hospitals,  woman with a disease and... I then switched off!  How do these folks get away with this?  It is time to reduce such programmes to ten or fifteen minutes and put on something worthwhile, and not anything to do with Health!    

What if...?

On this day in the far off year of 1974 one Ian Main, a BBC 'Comedy Script Editor,' sent a note regarding a comedy script he had just finished reading to the Head of 'Comedy and Light Entertainment' at the BBC.  The scriptwriters however were sufficiently powerful enough to push for their idea and in time were able to extinguish opposition.  Just as well.  The programme, 'Fawlty Towers,' became a classic with a worldwide reputation!  John Cleese and his then wife Connie Booth (Just how many has this man had?) produced and acted in one of the BBC's best ever comedies.  When the BBC does it right it cannot be beaten, especially as there are no annoying adverts to break up the story line.
Here is a copy of the note that almost halted proceedings.

Listening as I do to the comedy programmes on offer via Radio 4 it is clear the vision is limited to 'Guardian' reading, middle class pretend socialists, with sex, preferably gay, being required more than wit!  It has indeed become a little tiring listening to shows aimed yet again at twenty somethings with little knowledge of life outside their own zone.  
When the Beeb does comedy well it is hard to beat, Hancock, Steptoe, The Goons, One Foot in the Grave, Del Boy, all these were brilliantly scripted and well acted, today the cheapening of the easy laugh and the urging of their limited viewpoint is uppermost.  'Wit,' in all situations is unlikely to get past the 'Ian Main' of today.  I wonder if this is because so many involved in the background today are middle class females?  Media people tend to have a limited outlook on life, dress in the regulation uniform, rarely differ in opinion, share the same outlook and background and like members of parliament have no understanding of the needs of the real world.  Maybe they should get out more?   

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A Comedy Great

Sunday afternoons were often spent with my head up against the gramaphone in the corner.  My ear would fill with the sounds of the 'Billy Cotton Band Show,' ' Life with the Lyons,' ' The Navy Lark,' the rather sad 'Jimmy Clitheroe,' and the brilliant, unforgettable 'Goon Show!'  This in particular left memories because this somewhat surreal comedy was 'all in the mind.'  Pictures were painted in the listeners head in a manner television can never do.  The voices, and there were many, left an imprint few can forget.  To hear some of these sounds today takes me back to a sun filled living room and the large salad filled rolls that often comprised Sunday lunch in the summertime.  It was a long time ago!

The Goons began in the dark gloomy days after the war.  Many ex-servicemen decided to try their hand at the entertainment world, most comedians making their way via the famous 'Windmill Theatre' in London's Soho.  Famous for naked dancers, who were not allowed to move, posing as tableau's of ancient Greece and the like.  This was interspersed with comedians and offered six shows a day six days a week.  Famously during the blitz manager Vivian Van Damme (happily known as 'VD') refused to close the theatre and the famous motto 'We Never Close' was often mispronounced, 'We Never Clothed!'  Security was employed to hinder some patrons behaviour, one such using glasses with small binoculars attached was helped from the premises. The audience did not appreciate the comedians in between 'acts.'  They would read papers and laughs were indeed rare.  However the cream of British comedy for the next twenty five years began here, among them Harry Secombe and Peter Sellers.  

Secombe, Michael Bentine, also at the Windmill,  and Sellers teamed up with Spike Milligan after discovering they shared a surreal sense of humour.  Almost penniless they would sit in Cartoon Cinemas all day laughing at the show on offer, and developing their own styles incidentally as they did so.  Sellers wormed his way into radio by calling the head of entertainment and impersonating a popular comedian of the day.  Only after a short chat did he reveal himself.  His ruse worked and he obtained small parts on the wireless.  Milligan obtained some work writing for Harry Roy's popular radio show while having attempted to make it as a Jazz trumpeter.  Their real break occurred when together they created the 'Goon Show.  During the war POWs had used this term to refer to the German guards, and a cartoon from the 1930's also featured 'Goons.' 

The Goons began as 'Crazy People' in 1951 because no-one at the BBC knew what was meant as a 'Goon.'  A member of the BBC management reportedly asked "What is the 'Go On' show?' BBC Comedy management appears not to have improved much.  The 'Goon Show' was the name on all later episodes.  These consisted of a mixture of sketches, spoofs  of incidents and people of the day, constant references to the war in which they had all served, plus puns and catchphrases. Explosions were a feature of the show, Milligan himself suffering from German mortars at Monte Cassino, the effects never left him.  Behind them grew a mixture of amazing sound effects which put a tremendous strain on the 'sound effects ' department.  What sound would you use for someone driving off on a wall?  They of course loved it!  Add to this a fantastic orchestra conducted by Wally Scott, who later became known as Angela Morley!  The links and incidental music, including national anthems no nation would ever choose, are impressive in their own right. Max Geldray played a Jazz Harmonica and the Ray Ellington quartet before the last third.  Both were a standard part of the show with incidental lines thrown in.  Geldrays large nose and Ellington's West Indian background constantly a target for Milligan's writing. 

Spike Milligan wrote most of the shows, Bentine leaving after full and frank debates on how the show should proceed.  Larry Stephan, who drank himself to an death wrote a great many scripts with Milligan.  The depressions which assailed Spike led to Eric Sykes and others writing or taking Spikes place on occasion.  The series lasted until 1960, at one time with 26 episodes a year!  Less episodes and it may have lasted another ten years.  

The Good Show, a never to be forgotten classic! 

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BBC Heir Hunters

I'm watching this programme where companies search for relatives of those who died leaving no will and no next of Kin can be found.  When an individual dies leaving no will and no heir can be found the estate goes to the Treasury.  There are variations in Law between Scots Law and the Law of England and Wales, but in both cases the end result will be the same, the Crown wins.  If no relative is found within 12 years the money goes to the Crown.  The Treasury publishes a list containing the names of the outstanding individuals, the 'Bona Vacantia' list.  'Bona Vacantia' means 'Ownerless Goods,' as you know.  Many companies now operate a search system hoping to discover the missing heirs and obtain a cut of the cash.  Some £14 Million goes to the Treasury each year therefore a large estate will pay well.  

The 'Heir Hunters' programme concerns the efforts made by the gold diggers companies to find relatives and take their cut.  The individual stories reflect a wide variety of people, many sad, some heroic.  Yesterday a solitary woman who gave away no information turned out to be a wartime member of SOE and operated in France during the war.  Her suffering included a time spent in Ravensbrook Concentration Camp, from which she escaped and made it home.  She only spoke on record once to a TV documentary, and never to any other it appears.  Rich and poor it appears end up dying alone, lacking contact with relatives, sometimes happy and sometimes sad and lonely people.  Life can be hard for some, even in a populous town.

However what strikes me is the viewer who makes this programme popular.  The viewer lives in hope their name will appear on screen, they await the stranger knocking on the door and carrying news of a large windfall, their tongue hangs out as the programme reaches a crescendo and some lucky relative receives a cheque!  I see similar people queuing at the Lottery desk, especially when a large turnover is available.  We have all been there, at least once in our life.  

Hold on, someones at the door, must go, quickly.......   

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Morning Radio News Programmes

It has long been known that TV 'News' programmes in the early morning are rarely 'News' led.   Any passing film/pop/soap star can fill in the time, along with bulimic girlies and women with a grudge.  A major conflict/disaster may well get a few minutes notice now and again but the majority of the viewers would rather 'pap' was to the fore.  For some getting the kids out the door, preparing for work, and keeping toddlers occupied while the others are taken care off means attention for important subjects is somewhat limited.  Therefore items that do not require much concentration are what appears to be popular.  The TV on offer early mornings in the UK is full of 'pap' and some say popular.

Therefore news has to be found via the wireless!  Until recently this was happily achieved in this region via the medium wave where the BBC World Service was available.  The news was off a high standard, reports from trouble spots ignored by national media, top quality journalists, and well run programmes offered.  Sadly the austerity offered by this useless coalition has led to cuts in the BBC.  Naturally while back offices full of those efficient in office politics keep their jobs, and high salaries, the front line service e.g. programmes, suffer.  Recently the medium wave service closed down leaving only those online able to catch the World Service.  Then the powers that be shrunk the service so much that a radical, and shockingly poor, new early morning offering appeared.  This BBC World Service programme was based on their African coverage, the excuse being that 70% of listeners are African!  Oh yeah?   The new programme goes under the name 'Daybreak,' is based in Johannesburg, South Africa, has an irritating, yet constant, silly drumbeat repeated endlessly, childlike presenters and only comes alive when the 'actual' World Service journalists appear.  It has become almost impossible to listen to this programme.  No doubt in Africa these folks are popular, I am not African and expect a London based BBC to broadcast with occasional African coverage as part of this, not the other way around.  It sounds what it look like, cheap programming!  This is more an African 5Live than proper journalism!

BBC 5Live of course broadcasts throughout the UK, a trendy female led station.  Intended at fiorst for football coverage women whined as they do about 'men,' and the day is filled with second rate girlies in jobs they should not have.  A feeble offering aimed at teens and 20's, and is poor at most times when football is not mentioned.  It is time this was changed into a BBC 'Talksport.'

I need not waste time on BBC Scotland's puerile Glasgow based offering, and find the only radio news left is found on Radio 4.  The 'Today' programme is seen as leading in the news category  except when the Conservatives object to it being 'left leaning,' a phrase often used when one of their people is caught out.  Yet this contains the token woman Sarah Montague, given a job simply for being female, an ageing John Humphreys, a man excellent at calling senior parliamentarians to account but all to often just happy to find fault where there is none.  James Naughtie (pronounced Naughtie) is famed for mispronouncing James Hunt's name, discussing literature and opera, and offering three forty five minute programmes on the bible yet managing to avoid any reference to God while doing so, very BBC!  The other two are just a waste of time and space.  What ought to be a serious journalistic offering becomes all to often a tabloid paper.  Small mindedness when no story is available, adverts for later programmes and an amazing amount of trivia concerning new books or films.  

Each morning I wish to be informed and find less serious news available each day.  Yet while the Israel problem has been well reported almost nothing has been mentioned until now concerning the Congo.  Some five million people have died in the long lasting conflict there, yet it is almost unheard off, why?  A wee girl banned from school for breaking rules about hair or trousers get more attention!  Football results, while important, will always mean more coverage than that given to a few thousand deaths.  Who mentions 'Darfur' today?  Do you recall the deaths there?

I do not want bad news constantly, just serious reporting, journalism if you like, and the main channels appear to offer this less than blogs and specialist news agencies do today.  The web is taking over the news.

Daily Mail

Kweku Adoboli, working in the City of London as a dealer in the money markets, managed to lose his company around £1.4 billion.  It is claimed at one point his losses were around £7.5 billion, but he managed to reclaim this.  Had he not done so the Swiss Bank which employed him, UBS, may well have gone bust.  He was found guilty of fraud and jailed for seven years.

The thought crossed my mind that robbing a bank gets longer sentences than murder these days.  Stick a knife in someone and walk the streets in six months.  Batter someone unconscious and get a banning order but rob lots of money and go down for a long time!  A bank that robs the public, or fails to return the 'bail out' cash will lead to knighthoods for those at the top, alongside million pound payouts.  Hmmm something wrong somewhere.  Just saying....

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Now I am not one to Complain but,

So after the e-mails I phoned using my dying mobile phone. I ensured I charged the battery as I expected to listen to "Your call is important to us," several times before getting anywhere.  This indeed occurred and starting from being "Seventh" in the queue I soon moved up to "2nd," although I was beginning not to care when the man in Bangalore answered. We went through the whole thing again, he following his script well, and in due course sent me on to the 'Technical' people.  I can well understand a need for one to remove all the simple fault, check the connections, pay your bill etc, so I happily (ha!) waited as the music played.  What the music was I know not, the sound distorting on the phone, although it may have distorted over the ten thousand miles it was travelling of course. Eventually a lovely young Indian women cheerfully and pleasantly went through the script and tested the line.  "There is a fault on the line," she told me helpfully, and asked of she ought to call my mobile while she did what she had to do. I had informed her the battery would run out but happily (again) decided to wait the "two or three" minutes this would take.  On minute later the battery died!  She never called back, I fear to do so especially during the day, and I have now no idea if the thing will be fixed or not.  The staff were indeed friendly and efficient but I wondered how they cope with strong accents?  I speak clearly to such as they, my time in London taught me this when dealing with 'Foreign Johnny's,' but upset folks from Newcastle or Cornwall may not be so considerate!  At the moment the Internet works, but does collapse at busy times or stops for no reason, the phone remains dead.  Ah well another 24 hours may well explain it all, possibly. 

   BBC

As I type my spelling mistakes I am listening to the 'BBC Democracy Live' programme offering live debates from the UK House of Commons.  I like this site as it allows us to watch Parliament at work both in the House and in Commons Committees.  We are also offered the Scots Parliament, Welsh Assembly and the European Parliament (for what that's worth) and within a few minutes we can find live, or recorded, all our politicians lying in their teeth in every part of the nation and indeed in Europe!  This is indeed a find!  The debates never vary, the government defends, the opposition attempts to pick faults, the 'other side' is always in the wrong and facts are used to support any argument! The best occasions are when the House is almost empty and a Bill, of major or minor importance, is being debated by those with a particular interest in it. Often these can be knowledgeable or just plain funny!  The wit and friendliness of many debates are rarely reported however I find some better than the usual TV offerings. Others of course debate long and hard on Bills of major importance and very serious indeed.  Today we debate the NHS, "The other side was at fault." "Oh no it wasn't, you are."  Money amounts, in the millions, are quoted by both sides, but in the end we know the Tories will kill of the NHS if they can, and the 'other side' (Labour) want to save NHS costs also.  In the end we lose out as hospitals close, queues lengthen, and those office workers I once worked amongst still squander millions with no thought for patients anywhere!  What is the answer?  The Tories want to sell it, Labour keep it (Tony Blair would sell it also as he is well off!) but cut costs.  In short none of them know what to do!  In the end ideology, not facts, will tell.

Turner painted this in his 'impressionist style. Some tell me his paintings like this of the later part of his career are fabulous but I wonder?  I went to the gallery some years ago and saw many of his pictures 'live' and it appeared to my mind that in the end he had just got to much yellow and white paint delivered and didn't wish to waste it. As each was produced they became more or less white and yellow mixtures with added darker blobs. On a decent day I get similar experiences simply by removing my glasses.  This does not give me an 'impression' of the world around me it just leaves me falling over litter bins and park benches.  While I admired much of Turners work and I love the bright colours of such a painting I must wonder if it deserves the respect it receives, although much of that comes from fawning critics who don't wish to be different from the crowd. I would rather see the train, the sky, and the colours.  My twisted and perverse brain can accommodate these and supply a suitable impression when required. What say you?

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Sunday

My skin is beginning to tingle and a reddish hue is showing through. This is caused by a phenomenon known as 'sunshine,' something many are well used to but the average citizen of this island only meets when abroad. Indulging in their Spanish breakfast, lunch and dinner of fish and chips, washed down by lager, while reading the 'Daily Mirror' or 'Daily Mail,' this specimen of Britannia's finest strips themselves bare revealing white arms, legs and far too much of the other bits for their own good. Forty eight hours after arriving the white has turned beetroot red, the skin is painful to the touch and the only cure is not sun cream, which has as yet not been purchased, but yet more lager following on from more continental dining, either kebabs or curry! These folk will laugh when told that the US of A has a 'culture!'

Today felt very much like a Spanish resort, except there was no seaside, towering hotel blocks or drunks. Instead the park, where I had gone to soak up a little sun and read a book, was hosting a brass band afternoon. This brought a surprisingly large number of the retired folks out for the day, an event they obviously enjoyed regularly judging by the way they all came well prepared, and a smattering of the usual park types. Crivvens, even the kids were behaving themselves! However the red burning skin was too be seen in places and even worse, the white stuff also! Now the sight of pencil thin white legs sticking out from under shorts that have been lying among mothballs for several months is one thing but fat ones are too much! A few passed by, and kept waddling along, but one pair lay down within my line of vision. From my bench, dedicated to the memory of someone or other, a very good memento in my view, I could see clearly fat legs baring all for the sun intake. I coped well with this, but when the red top was rolled up to reveal acres of white belly I swear I heard someone shout "Captain Ahab! Thar she blows!" But I could be mistaken. However the man at the next bench turned to me for no reason and asked if I was reading 'Moby Dick.'

After trundling up the old railway early this morning to make the most of the weather, enjoying again the robins singing in the trees, and there are lots of them just now, the blue sky, and even the folk passing by I came home to discover a strange event on TV. The 'God slot' on early Sunday morning BBC was filled with God! Because it was 'Pentecost' they dropped the meaningless debate show that bores the pants of normal folks and gives Nicki Campbell yet another few thousand quid for exposing us to his personality disorders and gave a church service. Now at Easter, the day the resurrection of Jesus the Messiah is celebrated, the Beeb covered a service from Southwark cathedral, the centre of the homosexual movement in the Anglican church. Instead of 'Preaching Christ crucified and risen' we were informed that homosexuality was all right and we should be 'inclusive,' 'non bigoted,' and 'welcoming.' The fact that the 'gay' lifestyle is one that destroys and Jesus came to bring life appeared to be ignored by the Dean. Of course Jesus wants homosexuals included and loved, but like everyone else as repentant sinners who understand what his death means! How sad that churchmen lead them astray to eternal loss! Today however the service came from a bouncing, too much in my view, church in Peterborough. here at least Christ was preached, sort off, and Jesus worshipped in spirit and truth. Folks from all backgrounds had found a new life in him, many being healed, changed and refreshed, and the stuffy, often boring service replaced by lively worship and folks enjoying being in Gods presence. What a change for the BBC!

Early night tonight, not for the bike ride tomorrow, but for the driving test, number two! If I fail this time there will be no more. Just despair, self pity, and a credit card filled to overflowing for nothing. Woopeee.

The BBC

The BBC is a public service broadcaster, designed to bring the best in television and radio to the United Kingdom. Tonight I decided not to watch the too smart know-all kids on 'Junior Mastermind,' and the snooker is too slow for my mood. Turning to 'Freeview' I discovered that in spite of the indoor aerials inability to show a complete picture every time a vehicle passes by I could obtain a clear picture from BBC 4. What delight do we find on the channel, set up at enormous cost, for the intellectual elite? Batman! Batman! a series that began in 1966 and was too stupid for the five year olds of the nation! Now it is presented to the adult twenty some things who BBC 4 is aimed at! Stone the crows! 'Clunk' and 'Kapow!' Bad acting and cameras at odd angles. I believe there is a story line, but I could be wrong. Something is wrong somewhere!

I am paying something like £138 a year, which I can hardly afford, for a TV licence. This money goes towards paying for the BBC. This money I am happy to pay if I could find some programmes worth watching. Instead I find soap opera after soap opera, each the same, the good guy, the bad guys (mostly bad these days), the tense story line - adultery, jealousy, anger, malice, maybe murder if the ratings are slow and a disaster every so often. 'Emmerdale,' set in a country village, appears from the intro to have around twenty seven house, a church, a pub and a village hall. There are one or two farms around, employing maybe three people at most, and little else. In its time there has been around 300 divorces, fifteen murders, several fires and car crashes and on top of this, so to speak, a plane fell on the village! The intro has never changed! OK, that one is on ITV not the Beeb, but they are all the same. The Beebs 'EastEnders' has the record of fewest smiles in a programme. In nearly twenty years nobody has ever smiled or grinned, ever! Although 'Dirty Den' may have smirked after punching someones lights out occasionally, but that's different.

Drama in days of yore used to mean a cop series or what was then called a 'play.' Today drama is no more than a soap opera under another name. Usually a woman is in a man's world fighting male oppression or the barmaid is chasing a priest, and the usual good guys and bad guys fill the screen Even historical programmes are reduced to this dumbed down level. No matter who the historical character may be the trailer for the programme will feature an aggressive man, a stern faced man and a slapper ripping her bodice. Doesn't matter who is the hero, facts are reduced to fit what the audience wants. Factual documentaries are reduced in this way by turning them into dramas with the introduction of actors failing to convey the person they portray.

Now this is a shame. The BBC at its best produces the best documentaries, the best comedies 'Hancock,' 'One Foot in the Grave,' 'Only Fools and Horses' and the like, the best news coverage and yet has for the past twenty years, after Conservative politicians demanded ratings improve if the licence fee should stay, has dumbed down to the lowest common denominator. This is not good enough.

Of course the British part of the name is a misnomer. It really means 'English,' and always has. Some would say it is indeed only the so called 'Home Counties' that matter, the rest can stick as far as London is concerned. They have a point, how often do you hear a Birmingham voice, or one from Norfolk or Cornwall, and there is now way a Geordie would ever get on, nobody could understand them! Scotland of course has a separate BBC up to a point, but only up to a point, the money stays in London. While the Scotland team play games at Hampden Park, Glasgow, the Scots have England shown on their TV! London will not allow enough to buy the rights, so Scotland's home games go to 'SKY!' Shocking!

Nothing funny so far eh? No, but it has filled a few minutes of your life. You sad creature you!
TV is poor, some days I see nothing on a wide variety of channels. Now as you know, TV is a good thing, but let's be honest, while God Creates the devil perverts, and so much is just not worth watching. Talk shows in which people's broken lives are held up to world scrutiny really make me mad! They are happy to use daft folk to get ratings and make money. I would love to help these folk and hate seeing them ridiculed by an audience of cretins. This is not right!

Television is a wonderful invention (a Scot was the inventor by the way) and has many uses. Parliament debates on one hand live football on the other, it educates kids as well as bores the parents. It keeps us company when alone and saves many in our fragmented society from despair. It can be good, so why is it I find myself so often looking for a book? Oh well.