On Being an Idiot

Some people find it hard to be an idiot. They strive to achieve such a level and feel emotionally drained at being nothing more than a success. I understand how they feel. I have discovered that being an idiot is not just a talent one is born with, one has to practice this also. I can assure my reading public, if you exist, that this practice is something I have become good at.

My idiot exercises take place from the moment I rise and find myself standing at the wrong side of the bed, it usually takes a few moments before realising the window is not the door. Exercise continues with loading up a owl of cereal and pouring milk all over it, and not realising until too late the milk went off yesterday. The lumps at it landed ought to have made this clear, but the real idiot will not be looking as he pours anyway. Before he leaves for work, if he manages to obtain and keep employment one must ask if the idiocy is actually fully attuned, the idiot will manage to lose at least one shoe, leave the gas on, and at the very least, forget to lock the door. Failure to do one of these actions would ensure you fail the idiot exam. However, I prefer to avoid those particular actions and specialise in practising leaving without my keys thus forcing me to stand outside for a considerable time, often in the rain, until rescue arrives.
This is a star idiot action!

However, now we must conclude for today as I have forgotten the rest of my teaching. So please continue chatting amongst yourselves while no-one is listening to you, missing buses, tripping over your feet when greeting important people and walking out of shops genuinely forgetting to pay.

You know it is not your day when............

You know it is not your day when the automatic doors at ‘Tesco's’ do not open and you walk straight into them. You continue the luck by finding your newspaper is not available, and the bread that you desperately long for is no longer obtainable. The unfairness of life smacks you in the face at this point. The point is where other people’s lack of appreciation for the things you love costs you dear!

Of course the day can get better, however wet you get walking home in the rain, but you know it won't. The water bill is lying behind the door, it joins the Gas and Electric ones in the 'This can wait for another day' tray. Stretching back with the morning coffee your eye catches the calendar and note the birthday that you thought is next week occurs today! As you jump to find a card and stop a family disaster the coffee helpfully falls over your laptop.

Just three hundred and twelve more days before the year ends. It seems a long time............

Home is Two Places Edinburgh and Essex

Flying to Edinburgh almost brought one of those 'Idiot' moments. I had booked one of the Boarding Passes,but was unsure about how much Airport Tax had been paid, it increased at the start of the month. As I arrived at the desk to enquire re tax they pointed out the check-in had closed. The idiot inside me had read the closing time as the opening time! So next thing I was rushing, and upsetting my knees in the process, towards Gate 81. This was of course miles away, and I had to go through the security, then the 'shoe check' then rush for miles. Naturally,when I got there the plane was delayed and there had been no need to hurry. Jesus was looking after me, why did I worry? But I do. Self obsessed as I am.

Edinburgh is so different from Essex. Not just the city but the life. When I am there I am actually often back in time, I refer to the airport as 'Turnhouse,' a name not used for thirty years, and I return to a life I left that long ago. Not that it is all bad, however many of my memories are, and I do not like them. However, it is good to see the family. My nieces have all grown up into fine attractive intelligent women each still showing different characters but each one being a lovely lass in every way. Their kids are growing up in the same fine Scots tradition, however much political correctness destroys their education and common sense. And that is the one thing I have always missed down here. Watching them grow up. Now I miss the kids also.
It had to be, but how I wish I had been different.

My mother is now 92 and beginning to feel her age. But she well might outlive most of us! It is difficult being there as I am too selfish and too used to being on my own, hence the great desire to get back home come Sunday night. Nothing is better than being in your own place and following your own routine, no matter how mean and squalid it might be! Again I ask, could I live there? Not at home certainly, but maybe in Edinburgh or thereabouts if I found the right place. Of course to do this I need to win the lottery, and that my friend is just a lottery. But, after the tiredness wore off, I am back in the routine. Job hunt, self concern, staring at wall time asking what to do, then ignoring God and doing whatever I want anyway. Followed either by guilt or nothingness, then questioning how I am to get out of this? Easy pal. stop being selfish, let Jesus be Lord, and it will fall into place, slowly maybe, but surely!

Anyway, the flight back was interrupted by the neighbour at my side talking. Why, I ask, why can women not just look out the window and enjoy the view like I do? However Fiona turned out to be a bright highly intelligent woman, and there is not many of those around. Working for the Voluntary Arts project and struck me as well worth knowing. In the end I had to admit it was the best journey for a while. I also noticed how many folk seem to stand around doing little at the airport. Seems to me that is something to look into. That's my kind of work.

So by the grace of God the trip went reasonably well. However I still do not relate properly to Mum. Would I get on so well with the rest if I was nearby? They would see me as I am, and although they have a good idea of my ways, it will be awful to have them know just what a complete clown I am.

So Jesus, here we are, grateful for the wee holiday, but living totally for my squalid self once again. I apologise almost humbly, but still find my mind full of thoughts that do not glorify you, expose my weakness and emptiness, and indicate just how far I am from you. Should I stay in Essex or indeed anywhere else? I just do not know. Many good things here in northern Essex, not being alongside the stereotype 'Essex Boy and Girl' is one of them. But what now? I don't know, why ask me.......?

How to be an Idiot

First, buy glasses. The old pair are of course broken by being dropped carelessly on a hard floor. Take a trip to the cheape...er best optician in town. Be open to the suggestion of having 'Varifocal' lenses. Pay large sums for what seems a good idea. At first sight it works! Hooray!
Within a week you realise, it doesn't! Booooo!

Buy a laptop! Super idea. Great for trips up north to Edinburgh, and using back there. Discover modem don't work. New modem sent, no instructions on how to fix it. Discover old modem works on Com 6, but new one uses com 5! Why? Don't know, but doesn't work either. E-mail tech. 'Use the disk to put it right.' OK. Disk says, 'use DOS.' DOS says, 'Insert diskette.'
THERE IS NO DISKETTE! So that don't work. Explain why to tech. 'Use disk,' they say.
%$"@!#* say I.
Like a weegie it still don't work......

So, the bath is separating from the tiles on the wall. Simple. Buy some of that white stuff in a tube, and apply. Well, first buy the gun to actually get the stuff out of the tube, then apply. When finished going around the bath, putting the loose tiles back, and breaking in...or two, leave it to slowly begin setting while I do the same in the kitchen. Return to the bath to smooth it all out and tidy the work. Find it has already dried hard! No-one mentioned it was quick drying! Oh, we will fix that....tomorrow......

Get Freeview TV. Buy box. Spend hours fixing the 'simple' cables. Discover it doesn't work!
Decide a new ariel is needed. Rush to Argos. The slowest moving company in the world. Watch headless chickens run around in the back shop, while NONE attend to the ever growing mass of people rushing to the collection point at the bodyless instructions behest. Hours later, receive new ariel. Spend afternoon building it, then rebuilding it properly. Doesn't work! It does not pick up the digital signal! Visit Tesco. Buy cheap indoor ariel, which works. Also buy connector box to bring Tv, Freeview box and VCR onto one control point. Video does not work! Wrong box.
Burst into tears.........

Support the Heart of Midlothian. Wait forty to fifty years for success. Be inspired when George Burley is brought in buy new Lithuanian multi millionaire, and success dawns! Burley sacked when top of the league and many points clear. New man, Rix, brought in amidst recriminations and crocodile tears. Rix lets slip the fact that Vlad insists on picking team. Outcry! Again world about to collapse. Remain in second spot even now, awaiting the defeat of Hibernian in the semi final of the cup, glory is just around the corner. We know what that means eh!

Just back from Tesco. No need to buy anything till Monday. Then I will do the main shop. Great, Saturday with the shops full makes for no pleasure whatsoever!
Discover I have forgotten the bread!
Burst into tears again........

How to be an idiot? Easy, very easy.....

Pickle

I am in a pickle!
I buy a large jar of 'Tesco' pickle instead of the normal size. This is my way to save pennies.
But I cannot get it opened!
I use all my strength, all my initiative, all the tricks, yet it will not move!
I am afraid the jar might break if I try harder.

So I get out the hand strengthening tools, work hard pumping to build up the finger power,
and now I cannot get the jar open.
Why?
The muscles in my hand hurt to much from all the extra exercise!

The jar is in the bin.