Teaching Yankees the Facts of Life - Again!

Now I am not one to complain! Folks for miles around will tell you that complaining is not my thing. However, on this one instance I must raise objections to some of the absurd, ridiculous and completely 'up the wall' comments that certain nameless folks (like Fishawk for instance) have come up with in recent days. That 'crackhead' is not alone in misunderstanding the meaning of certain words, words like 'Football' for instance. These badly educated people,(do they have schools in the colonies?) appear to be mistaking the word 'Football' for a different word, words like 'Throwball' for instance, or maybe ' Vapid' or 'Boring perhaps? let me throw some light in your direction.

'Football' According to the 'Cambridge Advanced Learner's Dictionary,'
(possibly not available in the USA)
noun
1 a game played between two teams of eleven people, where each team tries to win by kicking a ball into the other team's goal:
a football player/team
He's playing football.
Are you coming to the football match?
2 a large ball made of leather or plastic and filled with air, used in games of football

The 'CHAMBERS' dictionary says:-
football. noun.
1. Team game played with a large ball that players try to kick or head into the opposing team's goal.
2 the ball used in the game.
3 (the football) a football match, usually an official game between clubs in a league •

Oxford Un Press

foot•ball /'f{phon_capu}tb{phon_capo}:l/ noun
1 [U] (also formal As,sociation 'Football) (both BrE) (also BrE informal footy, footie) a game played by two teams of 11 players, using a round ball which players kick up and down the playing field (= the pitch).
Teams try to kick the ball into the other team’s goal: to play football
* a football match / team / stadium-

A quick glance at these 'world renowned' educational dictionaries shows clearly that 'Football' is a game played with the feet! Not, you will notice, the hands! Only the goalkeeper, because of his special position (the most important in the side) is allowed to use his hands. Now this is very important, the reason? Some, clearly mentally exhausted, individuals appear to consider a game in which a handful of 20 stone (That's nearly 300 pounds to you) primitives bash into one another for no apparent reason, while a slightly less well endowed, overpaid misfit catches said ball and throws it away can be referred to as 'Football!' At no time does he kick it, or attempt to kick the ball. He merely stands there until deciding to throw it of the (very narrow) field. The ball (oddly shaped) does not venture anywhere near his feet, unless of course he drops it while several nine foot tall delinquents attempt to crush him to powder. Skillful play indeed there! If the hero manages to toss the ball from his hands to another man dressed like a tank, that chap will endeavour to run over a very wide line carrying the ball, then he will cheer, even if nothing more than his broken toe comes near the line. He does not even have to put the ball on the ground! How easy is that? Yet somewhere in the vast continent of the United (unless they are fighting each other) States one individual thought hands were feet and feet, hands and called this murderous enterprise 'Football!'

And you wonder how George Dubyah got elected?


References to 'Football' go back a long way. There are mentions away back in the 15th century and in fact its popularity is reflected here as it was banned by Scottish statute in 1424! So many were playing football with Englishmen's heads that Archery practice was failing! Discipline was therefore restored from the top! Football games were played in towns up and down the nation at that time, and this variety of 'football' survives in several places where the 'Uppies' play the 'Doonies.' A quite violent game where bones sometimes break even today yet everybody joins in. In times past people died quite frequently! (By people died frequently I do not mean the same person died frequently, I mean different people died often, if you see...oh never mind.) Since the days of Adam folk have always kicked balls around, it is a natural thing to do. Balls are of course round and not oblong. Those are deformed balls. (Stop that tittering at the back!) It is a natural and enjoyable kids game that adults enjoy also. Why? I have no idea, but it is fun!

The more organised game appeared in the 19th century when the whole of the British Isles changed for the better (although most folk at the time wondered if a 90 hour week was a 'change for the better!). Organised football appeared early in the century and different rules applied. It was the posh English 'Public Schools' (Public in the sense that they were open to anybody who could pay the fees, so only the rich could apply. National schools were open to the public but were not 'public' schools. I hope that clears this up?) which formalised rules for the game in the middle of the century, and being both 'English' and 'Nobs' they took all the credit for a game developed by folks of all rank. (It was of course much advanced in Scotland but the English took the credit as they take everything else!) Harrow, Eton, Winchester etc decided they knew best, and indeed were in a position to impose their will, having all the money and power. The basic rules were gradually adopted nationally although many changes were made.

The introduction of a Saturday half day, along with increasing rail travel gave some impetus to the spread of the game! However many who played were not granted that privilege and had to be compensated for lost wages. So 'professional football' was born. Rugby football had departed before this when those (lacking talent or just boorish?) who felt the hands ought to be used invented their own version of the rules. This became, and remains, a predominately middle class game. This is because those in the north of England who chose this version required payment for lost wages as in football proper. The middle classes, upset in the later decades of the century at the loss of control of football proper, refused to accept the professional game as they were 'well to do' so 'Rugby League' came into existence. But that is another story! Rugby Union does have the advantage that you have the chance to watch your lawyer or bank manager get his head kicked in. Surely this is always gratifying in its own right?

By 1900 the majority of the Laws of the Game had become set, with only occasional changes. The game itself had been spread far and wide by Scots, Welsh, Irish and even Englishmen as they took over the world creating an Empire we didn't need, or travelling building railways worldwide which folk did need! The famous Milan teams were begun by an Englishman, which is why the English spelling of the name is used, Boca Juniors are said to have originated with an Irishman, and there are many South American players carrying names such as 'Pedro Manuel McCallister,' or 'Juan O'Higgins' and the like! Some folks did more than just build railways! The four home nations, as originators of the game, have equal representation on the FIFA board, something lesser nations object to, even though we gave them the game! How dare they!? Have they no respect for their betters? Some even suggest that only one 'British' side ought to compete! The ignorance of Johnny Foreigner knows no end! Tsk!

In the US, in between chasing the native inhabitants of their land, some did indeed attempt to pick up the rules of the game,like General Custer (reduced to Lieutenant Colonel for insubordination before his death) they failed! The skill and mental intensity required for 'Football' probably proving to be beyond American capacities. However a variation of the 'Rugby Code' (known as 'Rugger' by the poncy Public schoolboys. The word 'Soccer, never used by anyone who knows 'football', comes from 'Associated Football, SOC with the 'er' added on by the public schoolboys! These people ruled the world you know!) did catch, brains not being required to barge into your opponent and grind him into the mud! Brawn and a willingness to hurt and be hurt were more important! So much so that the 'Ivy League Universities,' known more for brawn than brain (how many top folk came from there?) happily took to 'Rugger' and by the early years of the 20th century had killed at least 20 of their fellows during the game! Changes were forced on them by law and the drab, dismal, armoured, grossly overlong, much over hyped activity that now owes its life to the television channels became the main game of the United States. What does that say about the populace I ask? Take away the marching bands, the hype, the half naked women...hold on, leave them, and what is left? Three boring hours of team, college, or town building, all wrapped in the flag! Is it not true that American Throwball is more about 'E pluribus unum' than sport?

So we all know and understand that 'FOOTBALL,' played with the feet, (not 'Soccer') is the game that rules the world. 'Throwball' is a local mentally stifling diversion, in which the townsfolk can enjoy watching their heirs get the kicking they feel they deserve, but political correctness no longer allows!Intellectually and physically demanding proper 'Football' may be, but it is a game that brings peoples of all kinds together, (except when playing Celtic or Rangers of course, all Scotland joins with whoever is playing them at that time!) Loved by thinking people of all ages everywhere, and while an emotional drag at times, you can change your wife but you cannot change your football team, it remains the most popular game in the world. Invented of course by Scots!