Sunday, 26 November 2006

Blackberry Juniper

Another Saturday came. I woke early. I had no choice, I was no longer dreaming so I must have been awake. I rose from the bed with all the grace of an arthritic camel. Bleary eyed I looked at the mess that comprised the living quarters. Dust rose from the carpet as I walked about, wondering what I was doing. Blackberry Juniper I suddenly thought! My mind raced, I gave concentrated thought, but I could not figure out a way to get her to come and do my housework.
Suddenly it occurred to me, it was Saturday! She might be here with her man! She might choose today to pop round! I looked at the mess, oh dear I thought. I looked at the red eyed creature in the mirror and noticed three weeks growth strewn with last nights supper. Oh Dear!

By nine o' clock, the floor was hoovered, the windows had been opened (so that's what fresh air smells like) dust had been eradicated, tidiness prevailed! A bath had been taken and a rusty blade used on the face.

I waited.

And waited.

The phone rang! Jings, crivvens that is her, she is coming today after all!
The phone went down. I do NOT want to take part in that survey!
I return to waiting.
And waiting.
And waiting.

I knew the way to make her come or not. I searched the web for a football match.
If she was coming, now would be the time!
She didn't!

Anyway, watching the football I forgot all about her !

Saturday, 25 November 2006


Dear Reader,

Note I don't say readers! As part of my effort to impress the job shop that I am in fact making an effort to seek work, I undertook a course with 'Learn Direct.' This seemed at first a really good idea. So I chose the English and Maths free options. The staff there are friendly, helpful and capable. Quickly they understood that I was an idiot (please refer to previous posts) and handled me accordingly. The English was dealt with quickly. I was tested and found to be good enough to do the test for a low type of 'O' level immediately. This was done and I await the results. What bothered me was the ease of the exam. I will not get 100% but I do feel the test was all too easy.
That tells us something about the number of successful passes among the kids today!

However, there is a great problem. I failed miserably the maths! So before I do the 'O' level I have to work towards this. Here lie dragons! You see, it is forty years since I have done sums. Forty years! occasionally work has meant some element of counting, and habit makes perfect, and while working such maths became easy to deal with. But apart from counting my change and keeping track of my budget I do no maths whatsoever , and have not done so for years!

Guess what? I am struggling!
I never understood the question,'If a train takes 2 hours to get from A to B what speed was it doing?' Who cares? But when I am asked to not only discover the speed, but translate this into kilometres I find my brain hurting! I have spent a week either struggling to understand the question or failing to read the thing and ending up miles away from the answer required.
Just like school days eh?

I found myself desperately looking for a job at one point just to escape the 'Millilitres into pints' question! Oh my head......

Wednesday, 22 November 2006

I am Actually Bored!

How unusual!
Normally my mind is full of stuff. Tonight it is empty. There are those who may indicate this is the usual state of my mind, but I disagree. I find the books uninspiring to night. I did not even try and find a football match to watch. Earlier I was searching around for something practical to do, and it is now heading for nine o' clock at night. I wonder why this is?

Could it be the discussion re God on the football messageboard? Am I thinking less about myself because of this? Has the difficulty with thinking just worn me out? This Learn Direct course is not as easy as I thought!
The idea of doing sums I last heard about forty years ago intrigued me. Pity I forgot I was too lazy to listen then! It sure is hurting my head now.
Maybe I am just getting healthier? I made a slight effort at exercise today, wandered round the town, and ate better. Has this helped?

No idea. That is that then eh!

Saturday, 18 November 2006

How to be an Idiot! no: 48

In this lesson we will ignore the broken washing machine, (broken when the handle came away in my hand). We will also ignore the P.C. that is lying at the side gathering dust, (this comes about because of its inability to switch off). The failure to install the VCR in such a way as to make it actually record, we will come to later,perhaps.
Instead today we will discuss remote controls.

The problem set before us remains a simple one.
One presses the mute button, to stop those infernal adverts getting up the nose, and finds that the sound goes away, but does NOT return when said button is pressed again.
The answer? One realises that this is an emergency. This means fiddling with the button, pressing hard, soft and bashing it. Pushing it to the left, right, up and down, always using a different type of invective, in the vain hope that on hearing what you say it will work once again.
It does not.
You switch TV off, you switch it on, you leave it overnight to right itself.
It does not.
Eventually you decide a new one is required.
Now, a proper idiot would walk around the shops for several days enquiring after said remotes. But as only one shop (Tesco) actually sold that particular TV it is unlikely the proper idiot will find one. Students ought to practice this technique often! I have!
However, on this occasion, we search diligently through piles of old receipts for the one issued when the telly was obtained. Hooray, we find it, hours later. Contact is made with Tesco where we speak to a bored dullard who insists on following the correct, and slow, procedure. He also insists on asking us to do what we have already done several times! He must be used to dealing with idiots.
Eventually, and I mean eventually, we are passed on to the suppliers and we speak to a retired world war two sergeant who considers all callers as either beneath him or so inadequate he has to treat them all as, idiots. He too follows the procedure, and informs us with as much concern for our welfare that Al-Queda show to passing Christian missionaries that this new remote control will cost £27.10. Sternly he asks if it is required, takes the details and sods of to drink tea while standing straight, chest out arms back and saluting the picture of the queen (circa 1953) on the wall.

Relaxation follows. Job complete, help is on the way!

The real idiot, if he wants to make a career of his idiocy, will now follow the following pattern
Ten minutes after completion of the stressful call a right idiot will note that the details given for the new remote concerns the remote control used by the television. However, the remote control that is giving trouble belongs to the 'Freeview Box!'
The phrase used in front of children is AAAAAAAAARRRRGGGHHHHHH!
Anything else may not be suitable. However, if idiots are unsure of the words not to be used they can learn such words from their children!

The complete idiot then considers saying nothing, buying a new set top box, and running away to Russia.
However, while praying hard that he may not speak to the same folk once again, he calls back. This while kneeling on the floor and hiding behind the desk, so they don't see him, and informs the nice wee lassie that answers that he is an idiot in training. She accepts this without contradiction and while he congratulates himself that he has twice worked his way through the 'Choose number one' choices, without ending up talking to sales, and therefore avoided ending up buying something he neither needs nor can afford! To get hm off her hands nice lass one passes the idiot over to nice young lass two. She listens attentively to his story of woe, decides she has a right one here, and fixes things in that way women do when putting their husbands right without smirking. Without once condescendingto call him a buffoon she treats the caller like a buffoon and puts everything to rights. Not only does she promise the goods will arrive within days, the cost will be almost halved to £12.24! Good girl! The idiot then considers asking if she will marry him, but call ends while he ponders the question.

Job complete at last! What, says the professional idiot could possibly cause stress now?

Saturday, new remote arrives. At this point the knowing idiot will whoop with delight, rush to install the batteries in the remote and try it out. Joy will fill the heart, smiles will light up his face and while the idiot prances around he will discover that the sound STILL has not returned!
Once again the phrase is AAAAAAAAAAARRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHH!!!!! However, on this occasion accompanied by a real deep felt depression! The idiot will struggle to the set top box, he will then do what he ought to have done several silent days ago, and fiddle with the wires at the back. He will then notice the sound has returned, and he has wasted time, anxiety (that could have been used elsewhere) and £12.24 plus phone charges!

Today's lesson is complete. Now, read, learn digest and go out there and forget all you have learned.
That will make you a complete professional idiot in no time whatsoever!

Lesson ends.

Monday, 13 November 2006

Mike Newell Luton Town Manager

Mike Newell criticised the use of women to officiate at professional football matches. I have to say I agree with him! For too long we have seen an erosion of common sense in the UK. One example is the false equality that thinks that placing women in a man's world is a good thing.
It is not. Instead it erodes the difference between men and woman, an ungodly idea, and one encouraged by the enemy of our souls.
We have seen the damage feminism has brought. Instead of giving females the freedom to be themselves we see generations of women unsure as to what they really want! However, hope can be seen by so many women who have discovered that what they want to be is female! Rejecting the nonsense spouted by lesbians masquerading as female, these girls now have a chance to be themselves. Good on them!
Others still encourage the false notion that wherever men are found, women must be there.
This is a notion that must be rejected. We ought to encourage each individual to be themselves. They must be free to understand what the person really wants. however far to many are led by what they read in women's magazines. half truths and downright lies which fail to enable them to see the life ahead of them. There are many jobs women can do in this world, refereeing professional football matches is not one of them.

Sunday, 12 November 2006

Remembrance Day

When the United Kingdom remember s the dead of previous wars and minor conflicts, we hear news of four more deaths in Iraq. A patrol boat attacked tonight, four dead, several seriously hurt. I suppose some would call it ironic!
This erroneous war, started for the wrong reason, bungled badly at the beginning by the American administration, and leaving us high and dry has become a millstone around our neck.
We supposedly fight the 'War on Terror,' however many believe it is Yankee imperialism and possibly just a grab for oil. Who knows the real reason? Nobody does! We know the cost however.
far too many British men killed in action. Far too many risking their lives unsure as too why.

What is the answer?
No-one knows!
How sad is that?

Thursday, 9 November 2006

Heart of Midlothian

Losing by one goal to nil to a strong Hibernian side is no disgrace. Losing with no tactics, players who are not good enough to wear the shirt, and good players who are so disillusioned with the foolhardy behaviour behind the scenes, is a tragedy!
The time is now for Vlad to decide if he wants this club to be successful or not. If so he must step back, hard for a man with his inherent weakness, and appoint a manager who can perform. He must allow the said manager to do his job without his woeful interference, and encourage success instead of this slow death we are now heading towards.
Either that or he must leave!
Enough is enough!