Tuesday, 15 August 2006

Some Days Later

So instead of completely falling apart sanity, of some sort returns.
Prayer to the living God works.
Naturally it meant changing my ways, removing the hate, and beginning to do things the right way.
Now there is movement in the secondary things. Possibly I may get the Medical Retirement I seek form work, just possibly. There is a chance the folks I objected to may be dealt with, in the future.
But mostly I have found a slight return to biblical fact! I had put Jesus aside, and let me take over.

The fear of being lost is great. I have no doubt about the existence of Hell. But I seem to forget everything during daily life. I can no longer keep Jesus in my head as it were during worktime, and forget him at most others also.

Thing is, he has put himself out for me many times, I have seen him acting for me in a wide variety of ways. Why then can I not throw myself into him? How come I hold back so often, and end up in a mess so much? Mentally I am too tired to make the effort, and physically this job is making that worse. So I need the job to end, and my mind to rest also.
But it is in the heart I need to give all to the one that really loves me.
Help me do this Jesus, help me truly 'worship' you now!

Thursday, 10 August 2006

Falling Apart?

It seems I am falling apart. Every thing seems to go wrong. I look for an answer and the only answer is, it's your fault! As if I didn't know!
Last week God appeared to be so near. I prayed, began to study the book again, wanted to 'do' things and live the life. Suddenly I find someone at work a real bother. For hours it rankles and leaves me fretting. As this subsides others do the dirty on me at work. Not in a real malicious manner, but again I am so angry I let everybody know what little thought is in my mind! I think they hear..... This ruins my weekend. I am angry, and although I know I ought to just forgive and move on, I don't want to. I want to hurt them, badly! Back at work, vexed, the cloud continues. More trouble.
I have a problem with the knee, and have asked for early retirement so I can be paid off. After too long a wait this is refused. So, vexed from the circumstances around me I ask for medical retirement, and am yet to hear the result. I intended to leave even if I failed to be compensated.
However, it strikes me this company will be unwilling to pay. So I am unsure what to do. Then another situation strikes me. I look for help from the notoriously lazy and don't get it. I complain to management, and believe I have got a positive response. When I return later that day I am shocked to discover I have not. Hiding behind the unions lazybones gets his own way again!
Now I am still angry from other things, and forgiveness is far from me now. I decide that if refused a pay off I will stay and refuse to do work that interferes with the knee. A tribunal may be needed.

But that is the outward signs of my disposition. Inwardly I am angry and ready to yell at anyone, friend or foe. Consideration for others has long gone. Is it selfishness, spoiled brat syndrome, or what? Recent years have seen a tiredness creeping through my mind. This job has added to it. Now I have no resistance to such attitudes.

Once again I see myself for what I am. Small and worthless. Failure at everything, and surrounded by the studies, works and good intentions that litter my life and have never reached anything like fulfillment. The bible verse, 'I am a worm and no man' seems relevant.

I feel lost again. Far from Jesus, aware of his attitude and kindness to me, but not concerned with mending anything. It does seem every time I say OK God, let's go, that it goes wrong. Satan or God testing me? No need for either to do that, we know the result beforehand.
What to do? Run away? No money. No future either at this point. If I lose the job I have nothing but debt and little chance of another. Age and limited prospects see to that. Mind you, I would much rather just lie on my bed and sleep for a month to end this weariness that is with me always. Sleep, oh how I want to sleep!

Wednesday, 2 August 2006


I have to give up work. The doctor informed me that there is a touch of arthritis under the knee. Therefore I must give up the job. Being a postman with a lot of walking and short term cycling is doing the knee no good. Mind you, the state of the knees are not very good anyway. The climbing six story flats has left the knees aching. Since then things have got worse. Too many hills, steps, and strain on the knee have left it sore and now it is time to move on. So I have applied for the early retirement opportunity,but nothing seems to happen there. Maybe I ought to apply for medical retirement. It is important I get one or the other, otherwise I have no money to pay off the debts. I was smiling smugly a few weeks ago as I thought it would go through easily, but I was wrong. Now I fear I may get nothing, and leave soon I must! There are problems of course. I have no money, and debts to pay. At fifty five I have little chance of any other job in this small town. I am trained in things that need a strong knee! Hmmmmm, not looking good for an unemployable idiot eh? I am aware Jesus does not leave us, but am I following him? The things I am doing, are they what he wants? Am I really trusting him, or doing it myself?